Yeah, just something to lighten the mood. I’ll start us off.
I ride a bike – for transport, exercise, it’s what I do. So: one afternoon I’m out for a ride, deep in the countryside, riding through a tiny village on very narrow roads – when I come to the village church. There are a lot of cars parked by the church, but that’s not a particular problem, I can get by. But as I approach, clearly visible to all, the front car starts up and rolls towards me, into the middle of the very narrow road, completely blocking it. The only way I could possibly get past would be to cycle off the road into the dirt at the side.
Now, I should say that if you ride a bike, this sort of thing isn’t particularly unusual. Most car drivers are fine, polite, respectful, looking out for their fellow human and so on – but some of them are undeniably sh*ts. They’ve got a car and you’ve got a bike, so obviously they have right of way. Needless to say this pisses me off, and if I can make a point, I absolutely will. Indignant? You bet. So, filled with self-righteous anger, I just stopped the bike in the middle of the road, put a foot down, crossed my arms and stared at the driver. Saying in very clear body language: You know what mate? I’ve got all afternoon. And I just sat there, staring him down until he backed up into the parking bay; and I slowly cycled past, still staring at him, just in case he hadn’t got the point.
When I broke the stare and pointed my nose forwards again, I realised I was heading – still slowly – towards another blockage in the road. A priest in full regalia was in conversation with a man in a black suit with tails, and they were standing next to a long black sedan. With a coffin in the back. Ah – so I had just forced the car leading the guests away from a funeral to back up.
I felt significantly less satisfied with myself.
So: that’s the idea – I should say that when I do these things (which is fairly often) I do take great pleasure in telling friends the story. I just find these tales of deep personal humiliation very funny.
That was one of mine, and I would very much like to hear yours. What have you got?