Straight outta a 1970s driver’s ed film . .
Today I was driving down a residential street and a red dodgeball bounced into the street in front of me. I stopped and thought " wouldn’t it be funny if a kid came running out into the road before looking?"
Yup, he did!
One time, my sister and I were in a car accident. Once the initial shock wore off, the first thing out my mouth was “damn it, I broke a nail.”
I was once at an event wherein there was a twelve year old boy across the narrow roadway lighting off fireworks from a bagful he had. Annoying everyone. He was lighting them with a smouldering wick thing. Which, just like a hundred cartoons you’ve seen, he proceeded to drop into the bag o fireworks! And, unremarkably, it set them off all at once! Scaring the kid and amusing all of us!
It was like watching Bugs Bunny!
A few days ago, I drove by a grocery store, and darned if I didn’t see someone come out holding a paper bag with three baguettes sticking out (the universal signal on TV and movies that the paper bag someone is holding is actually full of groceries ISO-Standard Urban Groceries - TV Tropes)
I always thought “They grow up so quickly” was a dumb cliche, especially as a busy mom of triplets. But then this weird thing happened…they grew up! Now it really does seem like it happened in “the blink of an eye”. Hmmm.
Last week, I was making my Sunday morning bacon sandwich, and slicing a tomato, when the toaster almost, but not quite, popped up my toast. I reached over with the knife to unstick the toast, then decided that would probably be a bad idea.
A couple years back I got pulled over in Georgia by ---- mirrored sunglasses, big star, pot belly, .45 ACP with fancy grips, the whole nine yards. I got pulled over basically by this:
How I didn’t get a ticket or die laughing I will never know.
True story:
Back in my early 20s I’d just moved into new quarters at a new USAF base. Next morning my doorbell rings. I open it wearing my gym shorts and there’s a total babe in a half-open bathrobe and bare feet standing there. The door to the apartment across the hall is standing open. She says in her adorable Latina accent: “Are you LSLGuy?” I say “Yes.” She glances over her shoulder towards the open door, flipping her long dark brown hair, and says “The phone’s for you.”
I’m thinking every cheesy porno cliché you can imagine. Damn she’s hot. This can’t be happening. Damn she’s hot. It sure can’t be real, can it? WTF?? Damn she’s hot. WTF?? This *is *the Third World, such things *are *done here. WTF?? Damn she’s hot.
She turns and I follow her into her apartment and pick up the phone receiver laying on the table. “Hello?” “This is Capt SoAndSo. Please show up at Building 123 at 1100 for inprocessing.” “Yes sir.” Click.
Turns out that was his apartment and his girlfriend. It was just coincidence I’d drawn the apartment next door and he thought to use his GF as a messenger since I didn’t have a phone yet. Total buzz kill.
Damn she’s hot.
Back in high school we were horsing around, and it was a lot of fun until someone got hurt.
As soon as I became a professor, I also became quite absent-minded. I suppose that counts.
Oh, and my uncle was in the crowd at MLK’s speech (1963?) at the Lincoln Memorial, but he fell asleep next to the reflecting pool. Yep, that’s right…he had a dream!
One time a few years back, I was browsing around at the local Barnes & Noble. I met a lady, said “hi” and we got to talking.
We discovered that we were the exact same age, to the very day.
We exchanged phone numbers, and were friends for a while, but we drifted apart.
I stood on the end of the rake and the handle smacked me in the face.
I saw the rake and wondered idly to myself “I wonder if it actually is possible for the handle to flip up like in the cartoons?” so I carefully stepped on the head, held my hand in front of me ready to stop the handle.
Thing is, physics ensures the handle flips up much quicker than you’d expect and not always in a totally straight line. So it missed my hand and smacked me in the face.
As a pizza delivery guy I was come on to for a quickie by a sexy woman.
When I was 11, my father left us to go bang his secretary. Even at that age, it struck me as terribly cliche.
14 years ago I found the mythical old lady that used her second car just to go to church or to the park.
I did not believe it much when I got one of those new Beetles second hand from her… Until I had to change a tire on the car and when opening the bottom layer of the trunk to get the spare tire out I found that the original tools and a new spare tire were still packed and unopened in there.
I was with a group of friends on a hot summer day. We stopped at a bridge that crossed the Conemaugh River. Without saying a word, one guy jumped off the bridge (turned out he had done it before and knew it was safe).
Another friend asked the rest of us, “if your friend jumped off a bridge . . .”, and we all jumped.
I saw an old van squeeling around a couple of corners, really moving. Then I noticed it was leaking a LOT of fuel, right down the middle of his lane. Then, I realized what he was trying to do: Escape the Flame.
Yep, just like in the cartoons, here came the flame, right on his heels. A nice burning line of fuel, chasing him where ever he went.
The guy finally stopped and jumped out. The van burned to the ground, while he jumped around in panic. The whole thing was quite surreal.
Several years ago I had physical therapy on my knee. At the follow-up appointment, when the doctor asked how I felt, I told him: "Everything’s fine – except it still hurts when I do this!"
With a perfectly straight face, he said: “Don’t do that.”
:smack:
It didn’t happen to me, and it’s certainly not funny, but I’ll share anyway . . . .
An ex-boyfriend, when a teenager, ordered a rubber circle exercise thing that was supposed to build muscles. His father was displeased and gave Ex the standard safety warnings. Nonetheless, Ex sat on the floor, wrapped the rubber thing around his feet, and started pulling hard with his hands.
Yes, the thing slipped off his feet, hit him in the face, and put out an eye.
When my husband and I first met, we soon discovered that we had the same birthday, 20 years apart. And in 2015, on our birthdays, we got married.
And one day several months ago, I was on my way to get some money out of the ATM. Something really funny was on the radio. I laughed all the way to the bank.