Some history: About 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I always knew Something Was Wrong with my family (besides the drug and alcohol abuse and fighting), I never knew what. When I went away to college and got out of the sphere of my family’s insanity, I started having memories and flashbacks of being sexually and physically abused by my parents. I basically dropped out of life, did not attend classes, stopped eating (I was down to 100 lbs.), stopped sleeping, islolated myself, was in a Major Depression. Started therapy, was diagnosed with PTSD. Cut all my ties with family and moved on with my life. I’ve done a lot of work on myself to get healthy, I’ve attended Survivors of Incest Anonymous meetings, I’ve read self-help books and pyschology books about incest and its affects and healing. I’ve been quite proud of myself with the progress I’ve made.
Then September 11 happened. I’ve been a mess since then. The terrorists are succeeding with me, because I’m terrified. The first couple of days after it happened, I wandered around my house, feeling like a little child. I didn’t want my husband to go to work, I was TERRIFIED when he had to fly to LA on a short business trip. Every time I hear a plane fly overhead, I freeze and my heart starts pounding. At first, I spent a lot of time watching the news obsessively, and crying. I went to a psychiatrist because I felt like I was falling apart and I had started having thoughts of cutting myself. (I used to cut myself when I was younger, I think because I was in so much emotional pain that I wanted to feel like I was in control of some of the pain, if that makes sense) I’m already taking Zoloft for depression. My doc said that the PTSD had been re-activated and that I was having “breakthrough anxiety” and prescribed Klonopin, and anti-anxiety med. Right now, I’m still getting used to it. If I take it on an empty stomach, it knocks me out in about 30 minutes. If I take it with food, it just makes me fuzzy-headed, which I did this morning, so please excuse any missplelings.
I had agreed with my husband that I was only going to watch one hour of news a day, or look at some websites like CNN. But last night I watched about 15 minutes of news, with all the talk of anthrax, and I freaked out again (crying,panicking, wanting to cut myself). I told my husband that I can’t be strong right now, that I’ve had to be strong ALL MY LIFE, and I’ve never had anyone to rely on, and I needed for him to be there for me, and to keep telling me that everything is going to be okay. I feel guilty because I’m having such a bad reaction, and I don’t even know anyone who died in any of the atacks. But I realized that I’m having a rough time because now parallells then: when I started remembering the abuse, my whole world felt like it was collapsing. My views of my life, and life in general, and teh world, and my trust in people, had changed. I knew that life would never be the same, and that I had to look at my past, present, and future differently. The same thing happened to all of us, I think, when the events of Sept. 11 happened.
I had to promise my husband “NO NEWS”. Problem is, I WANT to watch, becasue I feel like I need to be watching in case we get attacked again. I want to make an emergency kit of first aid supplies, flashlighs, blankets, and start stockpiling canned foods and bottled water. But I don’r know of this would help me feel better or make my obsession worse. I’m afraid to put up an American flag because I thought what if the terorists start targeting poeple who have flags in thier cars or houses? I’m scared of us being “at war”. I don’t think the terrorists are going to bomb us with planes again, I think they’re going to try stuff like the anthrax. Or maybe that’s just a distraction and they’re planning something else to happen soon. I CAN"T LIVE LIKE THIS!! I know that you’re suppoesed to turn off the tv and go do something, but I think why should I watch a movie when I could be missing important news. Why should I finish a necklace I’m making because the world could go to hell tomorrow. I’ve always, always wanted to have kids, and my husband and I are currently trying to get pregnant, but now I’m not so sure.
Sorry if this is upsetting to anyone or if I’ve offended anyone. I guess this is my way of “reaching out” and not isolating myslef even tho it’s in cyberland. I’m going to go lay down cuz the meds are making me sleepy now. Feel free to join me if you’re freaking out as well. I’m sorry if I’ve said the wrong thing.