Hello friends, I’m sitting here with the dog and we’re BOTH having a rough night of it I think. “Bandit” (our rat terrier) sure loved his momma. The kids have both gone to visit granny and this big house is mighty lonely right now. I’ve been working on the journal some and it seems to help. http://journals.aol.com/galloway159/Theresemylove/
There’s still so much I want to say…but right now I just wanted to touch base with some of y’all. It’s too late to call or visit anyone. Watching the TV just makes it worse. The house is practically spotless though. I don’t think it was this clean when we bought it new five years ago.
I want to thank everyone again for all the love I’ve felt from this place. Maybe I’ll get a chance to meet some of you one day. I still find myself completely fucked in the head at night. (Excuse the language but I can’t think of a better description.)
I lay in bed and not sleep. Oh I’ll finally doze off for a couple of hours around daylight or so. Maybe catch a short nap here and there. Physically I’m okay…I’ve always been strong and healthy as a damned ox. Mentally it’s still a bit screwy, mostly emotions and lack of motivation. You see, everything I built around here was for Therese. I’ve managed to mow the yard and work the garden a little. But, I can’t make myself go to work.
I don’t know how many folks know it but I contract labor for construction and remodel houses, pour concrete, build basically anything that someone might want. Not having worked for the past month while I was in the hospital has bankrupted my ass.
I talked with a friend who is a retired banker today. It looks like that’s what I’m gonna have to do. The damned bill collectors are driving me up the freaking wall. I received over fifteen thousand dollars worth of shit this week alone. The damned helicopter care flight for Therese was over six thousand bucks. Man, talk about having a bad summer. Plus, I had to bounce a six thousand dollar check last week just to bury my wife. The SOB’s said they had to be paid in full BEFORE the service. I didn’t know it was gonna bounce when O wrote the check but the funeral home notified social security and they froze my f’‘in assets. My wife got a piddlin’ $400/month SSI check and they want this and last month’s back. It was direct deposit and my bills are autopaid online. So, it’s gone. Claim I could wind up in jail over this BS. Hah…at this point.
Aw, to hell with it. I’m not gonna worry about it anymore. There ain’t a damned thing I can do about it now. I’ll pay my mortgage and utility bills and give what’s left to the funeral guys.
I’ve got a couple of good jobs lined up to bid in a couple of days. Maybe I can get pissed off enough at the bastards to get up offa my ass and start working again.
Hey guys, I’m just blowin’ off a little steam. My family is just poor ass country folk with lotsa heart but little else. I can’t burden them with all this shit. So, I’m venting it on y’all. Don’t worry about it. I’m not gonna do anything stupid. I just had to get it outta my system and think it through. I’m tough enough to make it and will. My young’uns and Therese have always relied on my strength and I’m not about to let them down now.
Damn I miss her though. I wish she could …nevermind. Thanks for listening friends. Take care, t/k
Sorry about the longwinded rant. I feel better now though.
Thank you for sharing this. I did read the first entry and little bits of other entries. She sounded like a remarkable person. And she is very pretty. Such a sweet smile. You can tell that she was a nice, likeable person.
Writing all these memories out is good, I think. It’s good to keep the memories. Print all of these journal entries out and save them. (Sure, they should be up on AOL forever, but do you want to rely on them 100%?) Save them as a Word file or a text file to floppy or CD also. (Preferably CD—more stable.) Her kids will treasure these entries (or at least selections from them) as they grow.
My prayers are with you, and I know that all the good thoughts, good vibes and good wishes of other Dopers are with you too. Grieving is a diffcult process, but you will get through it. You will never forget her, and it’s good that you won’t. She will never be forgotten. But after a while, the memories will become bittersweet. Missing her—feeling the tears flow for the missing of her—will have a sweet edge to them, because that will mean that she’s still alive in your heart.
Take care of things, go day by day, and just get through it. Some days will suck more than others. Some days you might feel like, “I’m a strong guy, why do I feel like crap?” It’s okay to feel like crap. It’s okay to feel whatever you feel, whenever you feel it, for however long you feel it. Take care of yourself.
I hope I’m not being redundant here by repeating oft-given advice, but I guess some things can’t be repeated enough!
t-keela, I’m still praying for you! You know we’re always here for you, right? Perhaps you could use your kids as motivation to get yourself working again; I’ve never been through what you’re going through, but I sure as hell know that I could do stuff for my kids that I could never do for myself.
t-keela, I usually don’t post to threads like this because I feel that anything I say would sound hollow since I don’t know you personally. I changed my mind because you have moved me with your posts (damn that sounds like a cliche). The contrast between your pictures and your writing struck me. Ever hear the words big scary redneck before . Your words show your true self. The pictures of you and your wife clearly show she knew the truth too. I particularly liked the one with you in the cowboy hat. Anyone who wants to know about you and your wife need only to look at that picture.
I don’t know if there is anything that will make things seem better but know that your writings have helped me. Due to deployment I am now separated from my wife and will be for sometime. We had been fighting more than we should before I left , mostly about bullshit. Your posts made me tell her again how I feel and made me realize how stupid our arguments are. I hope I can continue to remember this. Just know through your posts you have touched others. Lean on us anytime.
You know, I was just about to start an amusing (I thought) thread about an accident my house-mate had on his motorbike last week. Glad I read this thread first. My condolences to you and your family.
I guessing getting back to work again will do you some good in a number of ways… not just financially but to help you get your mind on other things, to help put things in perspective, to reestablish some sense of normalcy, to let your kids know that their Mom didn’t want them to stop with her passing but to take her memory and love with them as they continue on life’s journey.
I can’t imagine what you’re feeling now but I’d imagine Therese would want you guys to carry her strength with you each day, to let her love for y’all not exist just as a memory but as a motivation as well.
My heart goes out to you and yours and I’d wish you all both peace and strength.
. Your words show your true self. The pictures of you and your wife clearly show she knew the truth too. I particularly liked the one with you in the cowboy hat. Anyone who wants to know about you and your wife need only to look at that picture.