If a woman faints or nearly faints she is pregnant.
The gorgeous no account drifter will turn out at some point in the future to be the long lost son of someone in your community. Most likely it will be the CEO of the multi-national corporation, or the highest ranking member of the royal family that Sampiro mentioned.
All you need to change the results of a paternity test is a No. 2 pencil.
“Missing and presumed dead” really means “I’ll be back as soon as my loved one begins to date again”
Infertile? Sleep with two men, and your problem will be solved. Run two paternity tests though, because the first one will get tampered with.
If someone’s been gone for years, and you miss them, start talking about them a lot. He or she will be back within a month.
If you suddenly get the urge to pay lots of attention to that young child or older relative whom you’ve barely interacted with in years, be careful not to leave anything unsaid, because that person will almost certainly be dead in a couple of weeks.
Corollary: a poor person who suddenly becomes rich through winning the lottery or coming into a massive inheritance will blow it in three months and become poor again.
Babies, toddlers, and older kids prefer to spend all their time quietly alone in their rooms. They don’t care to move about freely, so must be handed around by the adults.
In the UK, you should try to get a job street sweeping or at a launderette, so you can afford several vacations abroad each year.
The easiest way to get rid of a kid forever is to send him up to the attic to get some skis. Cite
That is hilarious.
Whenever you are lost in the woods, you conveniently find a cabin that has:
Food, bed, fresh bedding (or at least a clean blanket), candles or kerosene lamp full of kerosene, a fireplace (usually with logs just awaitin’ to be lit) and a fairly decent sofa in the middle of the room.
As Sampiro mentioned, every pregnant woman should avoid steps and staircases. They may have walked up and down them for the past 20 years without incident, but once your are visibly pregnant, you will fall down them.
It is amazing that all Soap kids do not weigh 280 pounds - every day of their life, when mommy and daddy want them out of the room, they send them to the kitchen for cookies, or ice cream or pie or…
You can get on a plane anywhere on earth (Greece, London, Australia) and be back in your hometown USA in about 15 minutes, without a hair out of place or a sweaty armpit.
And of course, if you have something REALLY important to say, you will turn your back to that person and look out the window when saying that important fact, as the other person watches the back of your head.
If there are two rich men in the same town, they are mortal enemies and each is constantly plotting the other’s downfall.
If you’ve managed to go an entire year without being in a car wreck, a plane crash, getting shot, falling off a cliff, or experiencing some other life-threatening calamity – thank your lucky stars because you’ve beaten the odds.
There are two, exactly two, blueprints for children’s rooms: boys’ rooms involve triangular school banners, girls’ rooms involve lacy frills (it may be black lacy frill or pink lacy frill or tourquoise lacy frill, but it is frill and it is lacy). There is a third blueprint for teenager rooms (unisex and involving a computer desk). None of them has a TV; the specific posters, robots/stuffed toys, wallpaper pattern will vary, but the actual blueprints are always the same.
These same blueprints are also found in movies, although there the teenager’s room may not have a computer (when the teenager is moving with a relative somewhat unexpectedly; it will acquire one as soon as the relative can go to K-PC unless the kid, being either Cool, Nerdy or both, already has an Apple laptop).
There is no such thing as a cranky toddler or gassy infant on a plane.
There is no such thing as a stranger, or even someone who doesn’t impact your life in a very major way. If you do happen to bump into an unknown person, they are either related to you or about to mess with you and yours.
Some from EastEnders:
Nobody ever calls the police. They’re incompetent, and have it in for everyone. So it’s best to connive, lie, and risk your life instead of calling 999, or cooperating with the cops.
If you are experiencing a life crisis or serious drama, everything will be revealed in the very public Queen Vic pub, at a time when it’s packed to capacity, so everyone in Albert Square will know your business.
At least one family will have their Christmas ruined every year.
If you’re a woman, you’re loud and gobby and will accost people by screaming, “What are you looking at?!?”
Having unprotected sex just once will result in a pregnancy, every time.
Very average men will bed gorgeous women on a regular basis.
When people choose to have an affair, it will be with someone in Albert Square. Never mind that you live in London, you’ll bump uglies with someone two houses down.
No matter how many times a person has been divorced, there is someone willing to marry them again.
No matter how many crimes a person has committed, they are rarely in prison more than a month.
IRL, Sami Brady would have been sentenced to life by now.
Without fail, during the first two weeks of November, February & May, one of the following four things happen:
Always within the first two weeks of Nov, Feb or May. Always.
When a murder does take place, the first person arrested, tried & convicted of the murder is NEVER the real killer.
On Mondays and Fridays, people talk to themselves, often recounting what happened during the weekend, or what happened during the week. Causual Items (I forgot to buy toilet paper!) are NEVER mentioned, but deep, convulted secrets and plots are typically solilqueyed
A tucked in t-shirt can be mistaken for a thong.
