There is nothing more condescending and insulting that you can convey to a person experiencing a physical affliction—especially if you know them well and should know that the person is accomplished.
If your message is “Try a little harder. . .”, inherent in that message is “you’re not trying hard enough. . .” And just fuck you, OK?
In my case, my T6 vertebrae is 4 times the size of a normal vertebrae. I’ve shown my MRI to these Try-a-little-harder assholes (TALHA). The physicians tell me that this isn’t a life-threatening ailment. I understand that. I don’t fault physicians for saying “be positive”. Physicians in general aren’t doing research. They are applying research/knowledge that others have generated. Nobody is working on DISH—because it isn’t fatal.
But when TALHA implies that I’m not in pain, I just want to say, “Really, PHYSICIAN, you studied for 8 years, and completed a residency?? —Then DON’T TELL ME THAT A BASEBALL SIZED GROWTH IN MY CHEST DOESN’T HURT!” I can believe that it’s possible to have large growths in your abdomen and be asymptomatic. But there’s only so much room in your chest cavity.
And then there’s the why-don’t-you-get-another-opinion people. Really? Think that’s a good idea? Why didn’t I think of it! Stupid asshole. Of course I saw multiple drs. Of course the diagnosis was the same. I’ve seen my MRIs and CT scans. But thank you for implying that I am a moron and incapable of going to a dr.
Gee. What you really need do is … (insert asshole’s preferred woo here) :dubious:
Fuck the armchair doctors. Seems like everyone has an opinion. And the less informed they are the more forcefully they try to inject their opinion when I haven’t asked for it.
Wow. Really? Shark cartilage cured your arthritis you say? Well this isn’t fucking arthritis. No I don’t need the phone number for your spirit healer. I don’t care that your aunt Matilda felt better after drinking some special herbal tea. Just. Fuck. Off.
I have a cousin, getting on in years and in poor-ish health, who swears by a Chinese-herbalist-style healer he knows. Hey, if it’s your fountain of youth, more power to ya.
In defense of alternative ‘medicine’(which would not apply to something like a baseball size growth in your chest!);
I get bouts of esophageal spasms. Quite unpleasant. I’ve been to multiple doctors and taken multiple remedies, none of which have worked all the time. Some have been successful for a while but then side affects became worse than the affliction they were treating.
Anyway, my husband (who just happens to also be a doctor) suggested pickle juice based on it’s reputation for stopping leg cramps. It’s disgusting, but it works - at least it seems to work for me. Not as a preventative, but it seems to stop the spasms when they do occur.
I would love to know if it works for anyone else.
I think, in general, people want to be helpful. They don’t want to see you hurting. OTOH many of the are ill-informed so they’re basically shooting in the dark in the quest to be helpful.
As for the woo…if it works, great. If it doesn’t and/or you don’t believe in that, that’s great too. Different people try different things, whether it’s pickle juice or a supplement. Even if it isn’t actually working, the placebo effect is still there in that at least you’re doing something about it. To most people, that’s preferable to not doing anything at all.
My husband is one of these. I’m still having issues due to my broken hip - I had NO physical therapy due to insurance - and am nowhere NEAR 100%. Nor is my appetite. I’m on several medications due to heart issues and liver issues - plus severe allergies and migraines. I get pushback EVERY DAMN DAY how I don’t exercise enough, how I shouldn’t take the medication because the Doc is just being paid off by big pharma or some such nonsense, how I don’t eat enough, how I shouldn’t get nauseated and throw up from all the stress - and do NOTHING all day. I guess this 50 hours a week I work from home and get paid for is nothing. I can’t drive - I’m dizzy all the time from the medications - he won’t buy otc stuff like allergy pills because he doesn’t believe it them. I’m going to have to resort to getting everything I need that makes me feel any better on line pretty soon. And I have to take sponge baths - I can’t get up the stairs to the shower. This has been going on since mid-JULY. But it’s MY fault - I don’t even TRY!
I’ve been needing get that all off my chest for a long time. I’m about ready to cry - it feels so good to just get it OUT. I don’t need any responses - nor do I want sympathy - I just wanted to put it out there so I’m not the only one burdened with it - now the Pit can keep it for a little while.
Yes but very often it’s as my coworker Ene put it once, to a wave of applause: “you’re not telling me ‘don’t cry’ because you don’t want me to be sad, you’re telling me ‘don’t cry’ because it makes you uncomfortable!”
People who really care are capable of setting their mild discomfort aside and listen; if they say something, it’s relevant, because they have listened.
Oh, you must know my in-laws! There’s a reason why nobody in my husband’s family sheds any tears nor shows any kind of anger because, god forbid…it;s just NOT the thing to do. :cue snapping open Victorian fan and fluttering it madly:
And unfortunately those who really care are, more often than not, in short supply.
When I first started using the internets back in the Dark Ages of the 90s, I was shocked at the number of disabled and/or ill people I found in chat rooms or on message boards. Lots of what others would call whining. I did too until I realized that probably many of them had nobody who cared IRL because their illness/disability made others too uncomfortable. I daresay it’s the same thing even today.
I’ve had juvenile reumatoid arthritis since damn near infancy. Even after going into “remission” when I became an adult, I’ve always had morning stiffness and aching, along with seasonal aching. That disease is systemic and doesn’t go away. So count me in with the chronic pain party. The silver lining in my personal cloud is that after a literal lifetime of this, I got over the “why me” stage early and my coping skills are rock solid.
My beloved husband, before I met him, was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in his mid-30’s. He had huge difficulty getting diagnosed (fibro tends to afflict more women than men) and then learning to cope with chronic pain that happened for apparently no reason. His wife at the time didn’t care for his complaints and told him to suck it up. The marriage quickly died after that.
One of the bonds in our marriage (besides the healthy ones like love and respect and humor) is that we have shared compassion for each other’s pain. There are days when one will ask the other playful questions like “is it painful today or is it just me?” Also because I’m so good at coping, there are times when I realize that I’m moaning and groaning alot, feel fed up and just sit up and roar, and he understands that it’s just an emotional release. We give each other leeway to do that sometimes.
