Folks, it’s Lissa here to tell you about a new, amazing household appliance that will change your life forever! It’s the new, Dog-O-Matic 3000. No home is complete without it.
How many times have you been in the kitchen and oops! you spilt some of the spaghetti sauce on the floor? No problem! Simply call for your Dog-O-Matic and your floor will sparkle like new!
Crumbs on your shirt after you’ve eaten potato chips? No problem! Dog-O-Matic even cleans up those embarassing globs of food that land on your shirt while you were engrossed in your favorite TV show.
Don’t want to clean up the dishes? No problem! Simply leave the room and when you return, Dog-O-Matic will have your flatware shining! Dieting? Dog-O-Matic will remove that temptation right from your plate if you go to answer the phone!
Dog-O-Matic will even clean your bathtub after you shower! Simply leave the curtain open and Dog-O-Matic will hop inside to lick the water from all of the *May require some wiping up of footprints from surfaces.
Soap scum build-up is no match for the Dog-O-Matic’s speically designed micro-fiber tongue.
Do you, or someone in your home, have a bad habit of leaving your shoes in the middle of the floor or carelessly dropping your discarded clothing? No problem! Our new Sirius model will break you of that habit! *May require replacement of some items.
Don’t wait! Get your own Dog-O-Matic today! Supplies are unlimited and Dog-O-Matid is sold in a wide variety of shapes, sizes and colors to match your home decor. Environmentally friendly and made in the U.S.A! Don’t wait! Get one NOW!
Crud-- could a Mod please correct my coding? (It was telling me “boards.straightdope not found” when I tried to preview. I assumed all would go well. I assumed wrong.)
My dog Chloe loves my undies too. She carries them under the bed. Her favorite thing to do is chew the buttons of my nightgowns or pj’s. When she’s done she leaves them in a little pile.
Caution: Some Dog-O-Matic models may arrive with the leghump feature activated. If you do not wish to have an active leghump, consult a qualified specialist. DO NOT attempt to disable the leghump yourself.
You forget to mention that it slices and dices in a jiff. Don’t forget that they can be an ice breaker at parties. “Look at the dog humping that ladies purse.” “Shouldn’t you go over and tell her?.”, or used to get the guests to mingle. “Run !” “Mad dog!” “He’s coming this way.”
New! Amazing! Dog-O-Matic will gently, yet effectively, remove your makeup at the end (or the middle, or even the beginning) of the day, with a soft, gentle, yet thorough scrub action. Dog-O-Matic will even take off waterproof mascara.
CAUTION: Dog-O-Matic may dispatch contents of its storage container (“tummy”) on peoples’ laps unexpectedly, especially if you are wearing clean clothes and heading to work, and stuck in traffic.
WARNING: Dog-O-Matic should always be positioned in the passenger seat, securely in the appropriate Dog-O-Matic round, soft storage device. Should the Dog-O-Matic not be stored in this manner, and should the Dog-O-Matic feel queasy, we will take no responsibility for the unexpected disgorgement of Dog-O-Matic contents.
CAUTION: Some restrictions apply. Dog-O-Matic is habit-forming. Keep small parts away from mouth. Not be taken internally. Do not tug tail. Provide unlimited love and patience.
Dog-O-Matic is available at a special rate at your local retailer. Adopt a shelter dog today.
My Dottie model automatically shreds any dirty undies that I leave lying around in inappropriate places, say, a laundry basket that doesn’t happen to be under lock and key.
The Phyllis model has a handy Automatic Alarm feature, sensitive enough to detect UPS men, trucks going by outside, and leaves falling off trees half a mile away. I haven’t been able to locate a bypass switch or sensitivity adjuster (or volume knob, for that matter). Anybody got a manual?
They both seem to have a strange intermittent shimmy at the back end. Can’t figure it out.
But I do have to say that they also have an excellent antidepressant effect.
The Cayanne model will make quick shredding of documents, cardboard boxes, and anything else left lying around… She will also alert you to the delivery of new documents and cardboard boxes.
Critics of the product line note that the Polaris model’s memory and interpretive unit can become stuck in an incorrect command function. During the testing phase, the Polaris model was trained using the praise-only method. Whenever the prototype began to chew on a sock, the researcher would distract the subject with a yummy and time-consuming treat. Unfortunately, the Polaris model has taken this to mean that sock delivery is a praise-worthy activity and brings its owners socks pilfered from the laundry basket, dancing in anticipation of a treat.
But wait, there’s MORE!!* If you act now, we’ll upgrade your order of the original Polaris Dog-O-Matic model to an advanced garbage disposal function!
(Tonight she ate half a bar of chocolate and a travel pack of Dramamine.)
The Rusty model Dog-o-Matic comes equipped with a terrific rear-end atomizer function. That’s right, every evening he releases a steady stream of SBDs that fill the room with an unforgettable aroma. A regular application of Lysol is recommended to counteract Dog-o-Matic’s contributions to the atmosphere. Warning: Ingestion of dairy products will increase the Dog-o-Matic’s atomizer output to near-lethal levels.