According to The Twelve Steps, Step 9 is:
“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
In what way could making direct amends to someone you harmed have the effect of harming them or others? Can anyone point to any practical examples? Does this ever happen in real life, or is it like the Commerce Clause in the US Constitution - theoretically important, but practically meaningless because almost anything can be explained around it?
It is real and was put there to be taken seriously. There are a number of situations where it can apply. Perhaps you abused someone so badly that they never want to see or hear from you again. You shouldn’t use your “changed person” status to track them down and force them to listen to your explanations or apologies. It could be a deep secret as well. Maybe you got drunk and cheated on your wife 20 years ago and she never found out. It may or may not be correct to tell her about that eventually but you shouldn’t use the 12 steps as the reason to do that because she will be harmed by the revelation.
The amends is to help heal the damage that you caused, not to relieve you of guilt.
As you can imagine, some folks who are owed amends may not want you to darken their door, so to speak. Your amends make not make them feel any better. It may disrupt their lives.
To add to Shags example, you may have slept with your friend’s wife. Maybe friend and wife are still married and she never told him. It might make you feel better to unburden yourself of the guilt but may break up a family.
Granted, that family may have some problems with honesty and communication…but that is not your place to say.