FLEEEEE for your sanity. Also, here’s another comic. And here’s a snark (best part is at the end of the post).
Oh, you should definitely read them. I keep coming upon hilarious parodies of them online, or my friends are making fun of them, and I can’t join in! It’s truly tragic, because I believe my Natural Outstanding Wit would have a field day when given that inspiration. But I don’t want to pay good money for them, and I’d be two hundred people down the waiting list to get them from the library.
(I sort of watched the movie when I was on a plane and really wanted to read but had to listen to something to drown out three screaming babies. I kept losing my place when I stood to let the person beside me out, so I just watched random scenes. I think I got the gist of it. There’s not much to it.)
[spoiler]Yeah she totally gets sparklepired, when EsmerNettalina makes an appearance, and then it’s obvious that the rest of them are all state school sparklepires but Bella Swann-Cullen graduated early from the Harvard School of Vampiring and is a member of Vampire Mensa! She smashes boulders in a cocktail dress! She and Sparklehubby have sparklesexing in their forest cottage!
And she has the most self-control ever demonstrated by a Sparklepire and it becomes clear that she is the VampireJesus come to save their kind, without the inconvenience of having to die for their sins and with really awesome hair. So she stops all the other Sparklepires from fighting a Sparklewar because that was her Holy Mission but she looks really good in Abercrombie and Fitch jeans so the author stops short of crucifying her.
And then she and Mr. Sparklepire live forever on the planet Kobol with their baby NotWithoutMyHandbag.[/spoiler]
You’re welcome.
Not quite.[spoiler]The baby grows incredibly fast–Think Jack with Robin Williams–which is why she knew before the end of the honeymoon, I think. She was also turned into a vampire after giving birth–it was pretty much a necessity because of the strength of the child.
They consider telling her parents she’s dead, but don’t. Charlie knows something odd happened, but is on a need-to-know basis. Renee doesn’t have a clue what happened.
The name thing was stupid, I agree.[/spoiler]
This is the best summary of this pile of steaming crap I have ever found.
Sparkly vegan vampires! GAH!
Ok, I know I was the one who started the thread, and I have been conspicuously absent, but I’ve been busy.
Upon reading all your wonderful reviews, I think I am gonna pass on this one. After reading the little passage about Ed’s crystal (meth) skin, it just SCREAMED “trashy romance” novel…only without the sex.
Although I have to agree that I almost wanna dredge through book 1, just to see what went batshit crazy in book 4.
Thanks for ya’lls help!!
[spoiler]Bella’s baby grew at an unnatural rate, when it was born it broke her spine and other bones, and despite brutally dispatching its mother, everyone immediately loves the little freak. Thus it combines all the worst attributes of a genestealer hybrid and a xenomorph, except that its appearance means it would be better at blending into human society.
In my preferred genre, this would be around the point where people break out the flamethrowers.[/spoiler]
My wife says, "Oh God! Don’t read it! It’s the WORST SHIT EVER! All they do is say, “I like him. I don’t like him.’ And its advertising was centered, not on its plot (and there isn’t much), but on how WHOLESOME it is, as in NOBODY FUCKS ANYONE! Not despite how some of them are VAMPIRES, but because there’s no sex.”
True, she only read the first one, but this is a woman who has read every damn 19th-Century “woman’s novel” she could put her hands on, either by buying 32nd editions at antique stores or by visiting Project Gutenberg. She is intimately familiar with literary crap.
To the OP: Overall if you want something Harry Potter-like, I’d go for Mercedes Lackey’s first set of books, Arrows of the Queen, Arrow’s Flight, and Arrow’s Fall.
Synopsis: Girl being raised by evil muggles is saved and transported to a magical school, where she discovers that not only is she special and magical, but is the Chosen One to save the kingdom. I.e. Harry Potter, but with a girl.
The difference is that Lackey’s books are written a lot more realistically. People bleed, die, have menstrual cycles, get raped, tortured, are openly gay, and so on. That said, I read them when they came out which was around 1987-88, so I was only eight or nine myself.
I’ve heard that the ‘vampires’ sparkle when exposed to sunlight and don’t drink human blood. That’s really all I need to know. That one fact tells me that these books are both incredibly lame AND miss the whole point of vampires.
Check out Airk’s link in post 17. Everything you need to know about the books in a much more amusing format.
Anyone know if/when Midnight Sun is going to be published? hangs head in shame I’m…probably going to read it.
Or read the original source, the books that Rowling ripped off more than any other source for her extremely derivative HP: read the Earthsea books by Ursula LeGuin, still masterpieces, still the best series of books about a young boy at a school for wizards.
The first* is* a great book and a true classic of the genre, but HP is hardly even derivative. I mean, then you can say LeGuin ripped off Tolkien and Nesbit.:rolleyes:
And then there was that whole Merlin story.
Thanks to everyone who spoiled Book 4 for me. Holy shit, that’s some crazy.
This newgrounds spoof is pretty amusing
I haven’t seen Twilight, nor do I plan to, it just looks bad, stupidly bad, the whole “no drinking blood”/sparklies thing seems TOO stupid to be believed
The only way I’d be in any way tempted to watch this drek is with the Rifftrax that’s due out at some point, but therein lies the dillemma, in order to experience a riffed Twilight that means I’d have to either rent or buy it, and I don’t want to support the manufacture of more of this drek, given the choice, I’d say renting is the lesser of two evils
Ok, so my entire knowledge of this series comes from this thread and from the comics parodies linked in it.
Am I to understand that the Mary Sue protagonist has some kind of a werewolf friend (or boyfriend) who falls in love with the baby? WTF?
My nine year old daughter ordered the movie up on On Demand a week or two ago and stopped watching less than halfway through because she thought it was “too stupid and unbelievable.” Too stupid and unbelievabe for a nine-year old. I thought that must be some powerful stupid, but if the links I’ve been reading are accurate, I had no idea.
She’s unconscious when they have sex and he breaks her bones? And she’s ok with that? Seriously? This writer has some profound issues she needs to deal with.
A lot of people say they know they’re stupid but they keep reading them anyway? Why? can someone explain what’s compelling about them even in a guilty pleasure way? From the sound of it, I’d have more fun reading a dictionary.
Not exactly.
[spoiler]She is conscious but he is so turned on by her, and so very strong, that he gets a little rough with her and bruises her pretty badly. He also bites a pillow in half and breaks the bed. This is supposed to be romantic, because wow, he’s so into her. After that, he refuses to have sex with her, which leads to much angst. Of course, she’s instantly pregnant anyway, and they don’t have sex again until she too is a vampire.
The baby does break her bones. The kicking breaks her ribs, and the actual birth snaps her spine. However, since her uterus is vampirized, the vamps have to bite the baby out of her body, and Edward has to inject her with venom over and over to save her from death because her broken corpse is stewing in a bed full of her own blood by this time. It’s truly grotesque and horrifying. But she gets to live forever as a beautiful, perfect vampire, with her husband and baby! So it’s all OK. :rolleyes:[/spoiler]
I just wanted to see where she was going with it and just how stupid she would get. The answer: stupider than I dared imagine. It’s almost awesome, how ridiculous it is. Also, since I teach middle school, I wanted to be able to discuss the books from an informed position, since I think kids should talk about the books and hear why they are not, in fact, romantic or deep or about healthy relationships. Fortunately, the Twilight craze seems to have died out. We’ll see if the next movie revives it, or if it tanks due to lack of interest.