Hi, long-time lurker, and here is something I can actually relate to, as I’m going through this now. I selected five: I’m Different, No Sweetheart, No Pets, No Time for You, and Quiet Presence.
I’ve felt Different all my life, never feeling like I fit in, regardless where I was. As a Christian, too conservative for most(even on this board), but also too out there and weird for my church people. I am married, but separated and living apart, so No Sweetheart, and that also makes me feel MORE Different at church as this is my 2nd marriage that’s failed/failing. There’s line in a Faith No More song where Mike Patton sings, “I don’t speak that language anymore, My blood is not that color anymore.” This is exactly how I feel around everyone and always have. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to embrace it. I’ve accepted I’ll never find a group of people that are “my people,” and that’s more than fine. I like who I am, and starting over again like this, I’m FINALLY becoming the man I’ve always wanted to be, and I don’t need anyone else to validate it. It’d be great to find someone who did, but at this point, I don’t need it.
My ex took the dog and cat, and right now, as much as I love animals, I’m getting my own head together and don’t want any extra responsibility of another creature relying on my care. That goes with the Sweetheart thing: yeah, as much as I’d love human contact, a partner, I’m rebuilding myself and would not be emotionally healthy for anyone else right now. Sure, there are a lot of lonely times, but I knew this is the way it would be and this is only a short season.
I have a great group of friends I have no problem calling brothers, and they are there for me, but they, too, have families of their own and I certainly don’t expect them to drop their lives whenever I want company.
Yes, there are many times and nights I feel lonely, but this is also a very exciting time. I always wanted to be a father and have a family, but as that window is starting to close, I have to dream differently now. I’m building a new career, re-building myself and my identity, and I have solid support group of brothers. I intend to fully take advantage of this time and find out what kind of life to make as a single man in the mid-40s.