My friends who don’t have children nor grandchildren don’t live in my immediate area. Between work/family schedules it can be an ordeal trying to plan something. Then there’s the question of do-I-drive-there-or-do-you-drive-here? Consequently we can go for months without any contact whatsoever. The upside is that they’re the type of friends where you can just pick up from where you left off as though they’ve physically been there all the time.
This has been my life in a nutshell since I was a kid minus the working from home.
I have to say, reading these responses makes me feel less alone.
Aside: I’m with my mother right now. When I came in, she was awake, quite lucid. We exchanged a few words. Except for being on death’s doorstep, she’s doing pretty well. No pain. No fear. She said, “I guess I’ll see you in the next world.” Wow.
The last lucid conversation I had with my mother was shocking in the sense that she told me a bunch of family stuff that I never had any inkling of because she’d taken pains to shield be from it when I was small.
Her only comment about dying was, “I’ve had a good life. I cannot complain about anything. I don’t want to leave you but I have to.”
Does this mean which ones I feel right now, or which ones I’d feel if they happened? All of them would affect me to some degree. But I have someone who currently is just there, and two lovely pets. I also am not in a new situation, and, I do have family that can be deep friends–but I wish I had more.
The rest all apply to me, though I don’t necessarily feel them most of the time. Some of them I’d never even think about had you not brought it up, but I still can’t deny the feeling exists.
I currently have cats, but I experience that sort of loneliness when I don’t. I used to feel lonely because I don’t have a romantic partner. Maybe that’s the upside of menopause; I don’t feel lonely about that any more. Put me in a room with people I do not know at all and require me to do or say something? Not only lonely, but anxious. I only have one sibling and he and his wife just moved from here to NYC for a couple of years. That has had me crying and feeling sorry for myself for about six months now. I divorced back in 1990 and my last serious boyfriend hit the bricks in 2000. I never had any children. It’s all ok, really. I had some problems with loneliness and depression in my 30’s, but now I bop along pretty happily.
It worries the crap out of my cousin, though. She wants me to join an over 50 dating service. All I know is that after years of living alone, I’m not sure how flexible I’d be regarding things like cleaning and décor and breathing—you know. I’ve always thought that a duplex with a connecting door would be ideal. Sometimes the door is open. And sometimes it is shut. Or even locked.
The only one I checked off is the New Situation one, because I was in the same job for a long time and grew quite comfortable with the people there, but now I’m in a new one.
I debated clicking on the I’m Different check box, but didn’t because, well … my upbringing was significantly different from people because of my religion, but I’m no longer in that religion, so feeling different isn’t one of those perpetual feelings, the way it is with feeling new or feeling the absence of a pet/romantic partner. It only crops up in specific situations. (Everyone’s different, so I do feel different in that sense. But feeling isolated and alone because of the difference isn’t something that happens all the time.)
I think my loneliness is mainly in the No Sweetheart category. I have been married for a couple of decades+, but the last one has seen us grow apart in many ways. ThelmaLou says: One of the loneliest experiences in the world is lying in bed at night and hoping the other person in that bed won’t reach out to you. In my experience, it was the opposite, hoping the other person would reach out to me, but instead I got snores. I hardened my heart and moved downstairs. That’s on me, but I don’t see an easy way to remedy things, so an area of loneliness.
For a variety of reasons I prefer solitude to social situations (solitude ≠ being lonely). I can tolerate small gatherings for work, but large, uncontrolled situations that require a lot of small-talk are not for me. Altho, I will say, in smaller settings when I am alone I am more apt at striking up conversation with total strangers. Maybe because I know they don’t know me, and can only judge me on the last few minutes. So I guess Only Casual-Friends, as well.
I enjoy myself being outdoors alone and going at my own pace. I think there is something to be said for sharing experiences with others, but I learned long ago if I wanted to do something in my life, I had to be prepared to do it on my own and not depend on others. Sure, it can be nice to have a companion, but I know I will regret not doing something if the only reason for not doing it is not finding someone to go with me.
In recent years I have withdrawn from some social circles and have not replaced them with others. I recognise this happening and it not being a good thing, but being alone feels better and I am more confident than when around others, with the exception of a few close people I trust.
I have good friends but they have families that keep them busy so No Time For You was spot on there. I am fortunate to be in love with someone who loves me but several of the others apply. I am a introvert and I actually need to have some time alone but sometimes it gets too much and I want the company of others. And sometimes when that happens there just isn’t anyone there.
I also picked the pet one which seems to be the least common choice. I had dogs all my life and my last dog lived for 17 years. I loved her very much. She was very special to me and even though she passed away over two years ago now I miss her terribly.
I checked I’m Different, No Sweetheart, No Time For Me, and Quiet Presence.
Being different doesn’t bother me that much but I am aware of it. The differences are intellectual and religious. Many of my acquaintances are fundamentalist Christians, while I am an atheist. Their beliefs do not bother me but my lack of belief certainly bothers them. It makes us both uncomfortable. As for the intellectual side, I am fortunate to work with very smart, very well-educated people, but those are work relationships that do not spill over into our personal lives.
For me, No Sweetheart and Quiet Presence go hand in hand. My dearest best female friend always has to be doing something. We work very well together, so our time together is spent on projects around our respectives homes. And we go to the movies a lot. But I would like to have a compatible, loving, male presence to share daily life with. A companion and partner, to talk with or be quiet with, to laugh with or cry with, as needed, wash, rinse, repeat.
No Time for Me wasn’t a particular issue while I was still training and showing in dressage When I was actively showing, I didn’t have time for a relationship, so I didn’t care about its absence. I spent my time with my riding friends at the barn. But my dressage career ended last May and so did much of my contact with my many, many friends. It is very hard for me to be around dressage and not do it anymore --I fought giving it up for several years before admitting defeat – so watching my friends ride and train and show, all the things we did together, is very painful. Losing that part of my life has magnified my sense of loneliness. Because they are still training and showing, they don’t have much free time for non-horse-related activities. I get it. I lived that way too.
That last one is a BIG one for me. I really wish there was a way to skip the courtship and go straight to cuddling on the couch with your sweetheart while binging House of Cards on Netflix. Lol
I wish that there was a box for “lonely for people who have died”. My mom died when I was 16, my dad when I was 29, and my only sister just died last year. I am in a happy marriage, have wonderful pets, and I have all the friends that an introvert can ask for. But I miss my birth family. I have no one to remember with- and that is really lonely.
FatOrangeCat, I adore your username. I have one who’s on the bed enjoying the sun and a good wash right now. I wish you the same contentment.
It’s interesting that so many of us think we’re different. It makes me wonder if we really are. Maybe it’s just not commonly discussed and there are quite a few of us differents out here.
I can’t speak for anybody else, but I’m an atheist surrounded by theists and also I have a ton of weird hobbies that nobody I know has anything that comes close to.
Of course it doesn’t help that I don’t know all that many people and I never meet anyone new. I suppose that in theory I could have dozens of clones all around me, but if I don’t know about them they don’t really help me much.
Checked most boxes. After living in this city for 28 years I still don’t have anyone I can call a good acquaintance, let alone a friend. Though I am empathic and kind-hearted, I am just too shy and socially awkward to go out and try making new friends. While I get along perfectly well with the people I do meet, I cannot form a deeper connection. Don’t have a romantic partner or a pet. Years of loneliness and depression has rewired my brain to seek more of the same. I don’t see it ending well.
I remember once, while walking my dog a few years ago, seeing something like the daffodils had just poked their heads out for spring or whatever, and realising that I had nobody to tell that to. I could have posted it on twitter or facebook, but we all know it’s spring. I didn’t have anyone who would notice and care that I had seen signs of spring. Nobody else else would ever share in that moment with me, even secondhand. And I felt loneliness as a sudden pain, like the final spur of a long-term affliction.
I checked “No Sweetheart” and “Quiet Presence.” Like jayrey, they go hand-in-hand for me.
I’m 46, and haven’t had so much as a date in the past 5 years. I moved out of my mother’s house in early 1994 (when I was 22): after a few months in a shared house I moved into an apartment, and have lived alone ever since — except for 2008-2009, when I lived with my ex-boyfriend. I’ve never married or had children. My friends are great and have plenty of time for me (despite having kids), and I’m active in the local jazz community. I do spend a lot of time alone, but it’s by choice. I have a challenging career that I enjoy, and I’ve had a wonderful dog for the past 10 years.
The times I feel lonely, it’s for a significant other. Aspenglow put it well:
I’d sum that up by saying that sometimes I’m lonely for a partner. Someone for love (and, yes, sex), but also someone to do stuff with — or do nothing with. So far I haven’t been lonely enough to do anything about it (I kind of dread the “getting to know you” stuff; I’m with Grrr!), but lately I find myself thinking about jumping back into the online dating scene.
