Are you lonely?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Loneliness is of serious impact in many ways, but whether or not it is increasing is unclear.

The poll question is simple “Are you lonely?” but also interested in other things, like if you find technology as more of a cause or a solution to any social disconnectedness you may experience. How does loneliness interplay with the role of religious identity? (Is lack of regular attendance at religious services decreasing what was once a reliable source of social connectedness? Does the decrease in other real life connectivity increase the importance of religious identity in those who do regularly attend?) How does the greater frequency of switching jobs and lack of job security impact it?

2

I’m not sure if social media is a cause or a symptom but I definitely don’t think it helps. People nowadays are more isolated than ever before I think. It used to be common to have three generations of family living under one roof, something like that seems pretty rare nowadays, and over half of marriages also end in divorce. Families are fractured and splintered from one another and also many people choose to remain childless.

I don’t know but I suspect things like mass shooters are also a symptom of this social isolation. You can be surrounded by people and still feel alone and isolated. I think things like cell phone calls, FaceTime, facebook, texting, etc. is all a poor replacement for real human conversation and interaction.

3

I think most people are.

Oddly social media is a double edged sword. You can go online and find people who share whatever odd personality traits you have that make you feel isolated. But online interaction is no substitute for in person.

4

For some strange reason, I don’t feel lonely when I’m all by myself. Usually I can find something to do that’s stimulating enough so that I don’t get brought down by dark thoughts and their associated feelings. (The dark thoughts and feelings do affect me sometimes, though. Like when I can’t fall asleep and my mind is extra loud and crazy.)

I do worry what will happen when I retire. I get all of my social contact at the office. I have a group of coworkers that I consider friends, and for once in my life I actually feel like one of the “cool kids”. I’m the goofiest one in the bunch, but they actually seem to like me anyway. I think having a sense of community at work makes it so that I don’t feel lonely at home. So take away the workplace and I don’t know what will happen to me. Maybe I will be finally crushed by all those dark thoughts and feelings. Or maybe I’ll be one of those annoying people who work until the day they die.

5

I’m not sure. There have been times in the past year (rough year) that I’ve been achingly lonely and other times when you jerks :wink: are all I want to have contact with.

6

I like solitude.
But I have enough social contact that I’m fine.

7

Forgot to say, I do think social media isn’t great for keeping loneliness as bay. It is great for maintaining relationships. But not for making deep connections.

And while technology makes it easier to reach people, it is only as good as the people using it. Let’s say you’re going through something really shitty and you call your best friend for support. Chances are she isn’t going to answer her damn phone because she’s busy doing something else. She’ll make a mental note to call you back later and then forget. So you send out a group text to your other closest three friends asking for someone to call you. One of the friend’s has a dead cell phone and won’t be able to respond until she charges the phone (whenever that is). Another one doesn’t like talking on the phone and is wondering why you can’t you just text what’s going on, for heaven’s sake! And then the other friend assumes that the girl with the dead cell phone is going to reach out to you first, since she’s the closest to you and she’s good with handling drama. But post a nice selfie against a cool backdrop, and she’ll give you a “Like”. All of them will, because that’s what friends do.

I don’t think people are crappier now than they were before cell phones. But I think technology lulls people into a false sense of emotional security and causes them to overestimate how many good friends they actually have.

8

I have been alone my whole life. I had a bunch of siblings and a big extended family. Married, big family of inlaws. 3 kids. But I have always lived inside my head. I am not lonely though. I spend more time alone than anyone I know IRL. But, I am ok.

9

I feel more connected through social media, not less.

10

I find it odd that the poll only offers yes and no. I tend to think of it more as a sliding scale, like from 1 to 10.

For what it’s worth, I voted yes.

Oddly, I think social media has expanded my social circle. I have good friends I’ve made through this board, and I’ve reconnected with some old friends on Facebook. I’ve made efforts to see them in person, though. And there are times when social media seems like a drive-by, sound-byte version of friendship when I need something deeper.

11

Never. Even those times I find myself alone, with a handful of exceptions I prefer my own company anyway.

12

As much as I love my kids, being a parent has sucked the time and energy out of my relationships with other adults, including my wife. I’m lonlier than I’ve been in years. But I’m so busy just slogging through all the daily crap that I can’t really dwell on it. If I ever had enough free time I might have to deal with how unhappy I am.

13

I’ve rarely felt lonely in my life (horny, yes, but not lonely). Now that’s live with my wife and son I’m pretty much never lonely.

14

In response to OP’s original post, thank you for the juicy question! Well posed, many threads of thought to unravel.

First, let’s address the surface questions before delving into my crazy thoughts. (I’m playing, I don’t really think I’m crazy.) I do think there is a false sense of connectedness in internet/phone conversations that take people unawares. There is something unidentifiable about looking at a person face to face as you sit down next to them and truly interact that is lost in the hasty little texts and interactions we perform from our devices. We unwittingly turn to our phone and social media when we’re hungry for social interaction, and I think the reason it could make people lonelier than before the advent of these things is we’re… How to say this. Complacent. I could be wrong, but what once might have been a request to get coffee is reduced to “Hey, what’s up?” in a text that gets seen but not replied to.

Inadvertently, I fully believe the dissolving of the religious nature that once described our country is a direct contributor to people feeling more lonely. (And I suspect you do too, but it’s hard to read much between the lines in a purely textual setting.) I did not say I think people need to believe in God again. (That’s another thought for another time.) However, the impact of social cohesiveness and emotional support that regularly meeting a select group of people provides/provided cannot be brushed aside. It is often understated just how much our species thrives or fails based on the level of social support they receive.

Job insecurity does not only impact loneliness, but I think it would threaten a person on multiple mental fronts. Without money, one cannot buy food. Having a job is about survival. When a person loses their job, especially a breadwinner, I would think more than social connections being severed troubles them. This can be seen in the reported loss of self-esteem many are said to face when they struggle to find a new job. In fact, being brought down to such a basic level of necessity would create intense stress and probably make the idea of socializing seem less important than the current predicament. (I have many thoughts about this as well but I won’t elaborate here.)

Now to my crazy thoughts. I think there are issues relating to lack of validation that manifest as feelings of loneliness that should be considered (My immediate thoughts run to early lack of bonding/emotional abuse in life. For example.). And, I think the current social atmosphere only serves to deepen these feelings, as well. I also think the issue is a lot more simple than it seems. We are social animals. In fact, we are intensely psychologically impacted by one another. When we are treated in a nurturing way, we start to form a positive opinion of ourselves. Somehow, when we’re damaged by one another, we likewise begin to form a negative opinion of ourselves. And, with the lack of interaction, we deteriorate psychologically. (That or we befriend bears and wolves and stuff. Just kidding. That’s pretty rare.) People move away to find jobs, families divorce, and many don’t even gather for dinner. I think this is causing all kinds of problems, and people are looking for identity and belonging in places beyond the family. I don’t think it can be stopped, though, just that perhaps in our only recent internet-connected world we haven’t fully adjusted. We’re, I am supposing, only temporarily lonelier. (As a society.)

15

Pretty lonely. I’ve been on my own for five years now, and I’ve been able to keep minimal contact going with people via facebook, but my work schedule is keeping me from meeting up with friends or going out to much of anything. The facebook contact means I keep track of the people, so I know they’re still out there and interested in hanging out, so if my work schedule changes, things will pick up. I’ve tried getting out and meeting people in other ways–online dating, meetup.com, talking to people at the gym, gaming, trying to get back into the SCA… and my schedule keeps being the big stumbling block. So, I’d really like to be able to be with people and be more social, but I don’t have any way to change my schedule, so I’m just in kind of a holding pattern.

16

I keep telling myself that. I don’t believe a single word of it. Fuck, yeah, I’m lonely.

17

It’s been pretty bad for the past eight years or so since my ex was deported. I got better but I really started depending on my adult daughter for companionship. I struggle something awful socially. I have recently been diagnosed with autism and that explains a lot. I’ve always considered myself painfully shy. I have trouble talking, even with family other than my daughters. My brother stopped inviting me to his family occasions a long time ago because I usually make my way to his library and read books instead of socializing. He has a lot of cool books though! I don’t know, maybe I came off as snobby or something. Or maybe he didn’t think I enjoyed myself. We’re only about 10 minutes apart but we almost never see each other. He has a very busy life though, so I understand.

Because of the way I am I have a hard time finding and keeping jobs. I worked in construction for a long time but I can’t now. I’m almost 50 and while I’m healthy I’m just not strong like i used to be. I’ve put on weight. Anyway… I don’t work, so I do get really lonely.

The loneliness has been especially noticeable in the past month since my daughter married and moved away. We still talk but it used to be she’d come home from work around one and we’d hang out at least part of the day every single day. When we weren’t in the room together we were texting or PMing from FB, sharing silly stuff. It’s been quiet since she moved. She talks to me every day but only briefly. She has a lot going on as a new wife and I’m happy for her but I miss her something awful and I don’t know how to fill that empty spot. I still have my 13 year old here but she’s not the talkative sort. I have a childhood best friend I talk to a solid hour straight about twice a month and that’s great, but I never hang out with anyone at all. I only see my roommate briefly and we don’t have much in common. We’re kind and friendly with each other but still, no hanging out. Most of my old friends have moved away and we will communicate on FB but it doesn’t do a thing to ease the loneliness.

I try to fill that void by talking to people online. I’m in a LOT of groups. Parenting groups I’ve been in for 14 years. Autism related groups for parents and autistic people. I post on news pages, Youtube, and a dozen blogs at least. I never get close to anyone though. I don’t even feel comfortable talking in PMs. I feel really isolated but I don’t know how to fix it. I’m too weird. I don’t fit in anywhere.

18

I’m alone, but I’m not lonely. I think social media has been a big help. I stay in touch with two of my friends several times a day with just ongoing little day to day bullshit that wouldn’t warrant a face to face visit. I can open my door and scare up some company most of the time if i want. I could probably find someone to go to the movies with me, but people chewing popcorn with their mouths open makes me a tad insane, so it’s probably better that I go alone. I wonder what will happen when I get old, but i figure I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. Nothing good ever came from worrying about the future. Prepare? Hell, yes. Worry? Pointless. (I’m 56 for what it’s worth)

19

I am an intensely emotional person. I almost cry when I read novels, for instance. So take what I say knowing that I am intense.

Lady, woman, honey, whoever you are, you very nearly made me cry. I’d talk to you any time you needed. I’m a fair bit younger than you, but I tend to befriend people much older than me, as they tend to understand me and whatnot a lot better. I believe my life and my isolation have made me predisposed to sound and think like a much older person. Anywho.

There is a lot a person reveals unwittingly. Or, without much prodding. And I am unsure if you realize how colorful and telling your words are. You strike me as intensely sincere and humble. How could your brother and daughter treat you so carelessly? Though, I already know the answer without needing a response. I get similar treatment from the people around me, even people without guile. The sweetest people sense some vulnerability in me and I don’t even think they realize when they exploit it. It’s almost like it’s instinct to treat the harmless with a little roughness. (Not that I am entirely harmless. But I do try to analyze my life.)

I am mincing my words. No one should ever feel alone. Ever. And you hit me right in my heart with the fear that perhaps you have always felt alone. Maybe always felt different or not good enough or made correctly. Everything in me wants to make others never feel that. I have felt that.

You’re very sweet, anyways, regardless, for not complaining while laying out the harsh reality you face. I hope you continue to find ways to work around your circumstances and make happiness for yourself. Have a lovely evening. (Oh, and autism doesn’t make you weird. I could be way off, but I think it just means things get overwhelming socially. We all have our hangups. Yours is pretty harmless. If you consider it a hangup. I was trying to be funny and probably failed, ha.)

20

I feel you. My baby went to college and now my nest is empty. I am a loner anyway so refilling that spot is not gonna happen. Pull your younger daughter out, these days with her will end all too soon. Don’t miss that opportunity. I volunteer, it puts me out of the house and forces interaction with others that I wouldn’t necessarily do otherwise. Could you find something like that? Good luck to you.