I suspect that we suffer from Hollywooditis about a lot of things. An easy example is how people think your eyes meet across a crowded room, you fall in love, and there are never any arguments or compromises or difficult decisions etc. because that’s how it happens in the movies. I’m exaggerating and oversimplifying the Hollywood product of course but in some ways it must filter into our psyches that this is normal, attainable, desirable, whatever. Maybe that leaves us feeling inadequate when what we’re seeing on film is far from the norm or the truth.
I know many people, and I’m friendly with many of them but it isn’t friendship. If it were, they’d call and see how I’m doing or suggest we get together, that sort of thing. I remember chatting with a co-worker once, and he seemed pretty cool. We’d talked daily and were friendly, so I suggested we do something together sometime. He looked like I’d hit him with a 2x4. The vibe was, “Hey, we’re at work, and I enjoy talking to you here but man, don’t encroach on my free time!”
Two things at least are required for relationships to grow: being connected and having time to connect. I remember thinking, with childlike wonder, how great the internet would be when I finally connected—because I could write one letter to update my friends and family, then send it to all of them and get tons of replies. That thought no sooner formed than I realized: ‘Yeah but people have to reply for it to work.’ Everybody’s busy. Busy with the job, busy with the family, busy with school, whatever. In the triage of things, friends come fourth or fifth, maybe. And some just don’t have an appetite for keeping in touch.
I’ve probably mentioned it somewhere in these boards before but there was an article I saw in an architectural magazine that lamented the disappearance of the front porch. Used to be people sat on their porch at night, chatted with neighbors walking by, knew what was going on, pitched in and helped those down on their luck. Now we live hundreds of miles away and don’t know our neighbors’ names. Ask and they may be suspicious of why you want to know. We build decks out back and don’t answer the front door because we’re scared. I recognize a lot of user names in here, like the OP’s, but if we lived next door we probably wouldn’t know much about each other.
I think the computer is testament to that. We don’t know how to connect to each other face-to-face, so we use a couple of machines and a wire to do it. Look at internet dating: I know a lot of people say, “I work lots of hours and I just don’t have time to find someone.” Uh, it’s probably the most important decision you’ll ever make in your life and besides, you’ll need to spend some time in a relationship to see if the person’s right for you, so…? Sidenote: I wonder how many people conclude that they met the right one because the computer said they did. Computers can’t be wrong, can they?
Some years ago, when I went through my divorce, I decided to give church a try. Partly, I wanted some wisdom to get me through the experience, and partly I wanted to make some friends. It helped, but the thing I noticed is that a lot of people seem to have tunnel vision. We’d meet for a service and it was “share the peace of God” but then everybody went off to their own homes, families, plans, etc. I guess they already had a full dance card.
As a single man, I will say that it’s easier to find a date than it is to find a friend. I think that’s in part because dating has some ritual, protocol, format, goal-orientation and so on surrounding it. If I try to befriend a man, maybe he’ll think I’m homosexual; if I try to befriend a woman, maybe she’ll think I’m interested in her.
I was in a couple of divorced/widowed recovery type groups where I noticed that a lot of people had sort of cocooned, chugging along with the family unit and being self-contained until the marriage fell apart or the spouse died. Kids grown, marriage over, friendships gone fallow…they had to start over. I see the same in my mom since my dad passed away. It only gets harder to make friends as you grow older.
There are some who say that our urban planning is working against us, making us increasingly disconnected. Here’s an excellent documentary if you can catch it:
http://www.subdivided.net/
I remember part of it saying that we live in big triangles now…one area for living, one for working, one for shopping. Some subdivisions don’t even have sidewalks, so socializing is a “drive-by wave” to the neighbors.
Sorry to be so disjointed but it is Sunday evening, after all.
