I just sent off friend who will be overseas for a year, and came back feeling rather…emotional.
While I do have friends and what I like to term as ‘activity buddies’, I try to hide my depression and self-worth issues behind a facade. I don’t talk about that any more (as it seems to alienate people) and I’ll try to deal with problems on my own. So far it has been working.
Except that I have no one to confide to. Some have actually commented on how much happier and healthy-looking I am since the past few months, and that only made me more determined not to approach them for help. Some have enough problems of their own, and I intend not to add to their burden. My family is as good as non-existent, and that includes my extended family.
The neat sum is, I don’t have a support system. I have no one to go to for advice, no one to talk to in times of distress. I felt like a tap at times; As much as possible, I provide a listening ear to my friends, extend my understanding to them, sit with them through tough times. It’s just that when it’s my times of need, I don’t know who to go to. In fact, you can even say I have forgotten how to express my troubles.
I guess I’ll survive, it’s just kind of sad. At times I feel like a dam ready to burst. Yes, I can talk to my counsellors, but a friend, well is different.
I well know how you feel (check out my name). On the surface I’m kind, caring, and confident. But in bed at night, alone with my thoughts, the feelings are completely different. Sometimes they threaten to spill over during the day, but I usually hide it well enough.
I’d be very happy to discuss this with you via private email.
Are you on any medication for depression? Even a small dosage can take the edge off and stop the negative cyclical thoughts that just.farking.refuse.to.leave.your.head.
My advice is for you to get active. Get your body so tired that at the end of the day you just melt into your bed.
I have been weaned off Xanax, and not sure if taking faverin will help. That said, you are right. That weekend I spent my time just distracting myself. Had a great Japanese dinner. Watched Inception. Hit the gym. Go for board games with friends. Planning to swim tomorrow.
It sounds cheesy, but try starting a journal. A lot of time people need to talk because it helps organize their thoughts and can bring some conclusions to their inner dialogue. Surprisingly, this doesn’t always need someone on the other end- just writing this stuff down can make a huge difference.
Also pay attention to what things you enjoy. It may not be the things that you think you enjoy. I discovered from my journal that I do enjoy time I spend with people who I don’t consider great friends. Every but if socializing was good for me even if it’s a little less than a cosmic connection. Indeed, there is rarely anyone you can connect with fully and completely. Different people are good for different parts of your life. So cultivate whatever small support system you have…it will add up in the end in ways that might not seem apparent.
Buy some Sea Monkeys. They’re really cute, wearing little crowns and riding around on seahorses. They can even be trained to do tricks and light clerical work, and also to talk, if you have a waterproof microphone and some knowledge of German.
Exactly what I was going to post. Sometimes we assume that because someone wants us to listen to their problems that they aren’t willing to listen to ours.
Maybe you could start small, for example, when someone asks you how you are, don’t just say ‘Fine,’ say something like ‘I’m actually a bit down today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.’
That gives them the opportunity to say ‘Oh, what’s gone wrong today?’ or, if they don’t want to engage with you, they can say, ‘Yes, I’m sure tomorrow will be better.’
The thing is, you may be right about your friends not wanting to listen to your problems, but you might be wrong. By trying something like I’ve outlined above, you at least give them the opportunity.
The other thing to remember is that if you’ve been giving out ‘I’m fine, nothing wrong with me’ vibes, it will be quite a shock to them to hear that you aren’t fine, so you’ll need to give them a bit of time to adjust. So don’t hit them with the full message, as it were, take it a bit lightly to start with.
This is in reply to both sandra_nz and Thudlow Boink. It just happens that some of the closer ones have problems of their own, am I do not wish to impose, as the nature of the problems are similar. For instance, a friend of mine is depressed too. From past experiences, it isn’t a good idea to go to him when I am depressed.
For some other friends, it’s time. They’re working, married and etc, need at least 2 or 3 weeks notice to find some free time and that is subjected to change. I guess it’s my fault for suddenly wanting company in a sudden, and I do respect and understand that not everyone can accommodate a last minute demand on their time. This was precisely what happened the day I wrote the OP. No one was free. Was with their friends, family or having to work for the weekends. Just to emphasis: I understand, and I don’t blame them.
Finally, there’s a group that I just feel uncomfortable confiding in. Perhaps it’s because they are younger (in the range of 19 to 22 years old) and I am afraid that they may be dismissive of me. I just don’t have anyone wiser or more mature than me to approach as my family is pretty much non-existent.
That all said, I have to admit that sandra_nz’s ideas are worth a try. I guess one of the reasons why I am scared of talking to some is because I am not sure if they could take it, especially if I am calling them up while having a panic attack or when really depressed. It didn’t go well once, and I am afraid that a similar event may happen again.
Maybe I just have to expand my social circle, or be less needy.
Or maybe get a therapist. There’s a reason people pay good money to have someone to listen to their problems and discuss them.
People poo-poo talk therapy but I have found it useful on a short term basis (4-5 sessions) when I have something I just need to talk out and clear my head about. While I have many people I feel I can confide in, some situations call for an objective evaluation, or maybe are just beyond my friends’ experience to advise. I have, in the past used a therapist who held a MSW (Masters of Social Work) and found the sessions very helpful.
You know what I’ve found to be a cure for loneliness? Stepping outside of myself and just openly giving to someone who is in need. When I stop focusing on my needs for interaction and just go do something kind for someone, I often find that the act of giving/charity/compassion is more than enough to feed that bitter demon who sits on my left shoulder trying to convince me that I’m lonely.
I’ve also learned that much of the time, loneliness is a choice. I can sit around my house and watch TV while cradling my bong next to my heart, or I can pick up the phone and call my mom, or go out with a friend, or go serve soup in a homeless shelter, or go tutor a kid at the library, or teach an immigrant English, or become a Girl Scout troop leader, or volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, or… you get the point. The choice is up to me to reach out to people when I need to or to sit home and complain that nobody beat down my front door to comfort me.
DISCLAIMER: Depression is a clinical illness and if you are depressed, then that’s when I think loneliness isn’t a choice.
I echo the journal/blog idea. That’s a good one. I keep a private blog that is secure and locked down and you have to be specifically invited and approved by me to read it. I don’t put it out there for people to read. I put it out there to get some of my deepest darkest thoughts outta my head.
I would also change the last bit above a little bit. Not so much pay attention to what you enjoy, but pay attention to when you’re feeling happy/joyous and try to figure out what it is that made you feel that way. Not long ago, I was bouncing around at work, helping or teaching about 4 different people with their work. I had several deadlines that day and was getting nothing done. Yet, I noticed that I was happy and smiling, and walking around the office with a bounce in my step, singing and humming to myself as I moved from one person to the next. (It was one of those days when everyone needs your help and only you will do.) I stopped and realized that what was making me happy was helping and teaching other people. Four people were able to do their jobs better that day because of my actions. I felt necessary. I had purpose. I felt valued. It was exactly what I needed. This is why I’ve suggested doing things for other people. It also comes back to you sometimes; some people will be there for you because you were there for them.
I’m not remotely suggesting talking to these people when you are in these states (panic attack or severely depressed). At those times, you should be talking to a professional, be it a help line or a therapist or your doctor.
What I’m suggesting is to let your friends into your world a bit. I get the sense you’ve been giving the impression of being the stable rock for all your friends to confide in. In doing so, you’ve made a rod for your own back because you’ve not let yourself be the one needing to confide.
I have been active, trying not to be cooped up at home. Between work which takes up most of my time, I have also been trying to socialize with people. The problem is the interaction is always superficial but perhaps I still need more time to be comfortable with other people.
Since I’m posting an excerpt to Straight Dope, that it means it’s by Wallace. Apologies for the format. That’s not a poem, it’s part of a short piece. That’s a PDF.
Talk to your friends. They’d be upset if they knew you were cutting yourself off like this.
I agree with what’s been already posted. A change of scene, helping someone else, getting a haircut, trying something new, making a charitable donation, or even reading about someone less fortunate than me have all been known to improve my mood.
You’re not alone. PM me, if you like. I’d be glad to help.
What you have quoted sounds eerily like me. I think I am a drain on everyone else’s resources (More accurately, I felt). No one would come to me if they don’t need something, which is often the case for me. Need my help for a programming question? Need me to do a survey? Look through your report/FYP/essay? Sure I’m there. I just don’t get called to movies, parties, dinners and the such. Maybe I am a real kill-joy or something.
I really don’t know what to tell my friends. I afraid if I just whine a little they will all just go away. There’s someone else they prefer to spend time with anywhere…
And ladies and gentlemen, those thoughts just go on and on.
I started forcing myself to go out more, and a couple years ago I “invited” myself to go to a movie marathon with my friends that had been going to said marathon for 15 years.
I had a good time and was like “hey guys why didn’t you invite me to this the last 15 years?” One guy piped up and said that they figured that I knew they were going (true) and if I wanted to go, I would have asked.
Basically they figured I was a loner and anti-social and didn’t want to do the same crap they did (actually that was true when I was younger, which is why they thought it) and left it up to me to come around.
I think if you turn down enough invites, invites stop coming.
Once I got my head out of my ass, I had a much better time. I don’t like sci-fi but I go to their marathon every year. I don’t like wine but I am the designated driver for wine fests. I didn’t think I’d like Whirlyball, and I sucked at it, but I’m aces at it now. I was afraid to go to parties with my friends’ friends but they are all my friends now.
I also throw my own parties now, inviting tons of people who are Facebook friends (all at one time were IRL friends). I make my own excitement. People come here and have a good time. My different social circles mingle. People who I never spent any quality time with in the past now come to my house.
Part of curing lonliness is the willingness to try new things, and to be positive about those things.
I’m not having any fake fun. Even when I do stuff I don’t like, I am still enjoying being out and about with people.
You gotta reach out to folks. You can’t just sit around and wait for them to come to you. You may not find your one true confidant on the first go-round but you’ll at least not be lonely all the time, and you will expand your horizons and hopefully find someone that “fits” in a sea of new faces.
Yeah, I do. Till a point that I perceived (so I might be wrong) that people are getting annoyed with me. The usual thing with movies are “Oh, I am going to watch with my friends” (And what does that imply? No, I better not think too much about that)
I try to, I have been exposing myself to other social circles, but those aren’t the people I think I should let in that t I have depression, so when shit hit the fan, I feel really alone.
You’re right here. Maybe I should have a chat with my counselor about social anxiety. Maybe I need to temper to my expectations. Or take time for relationships to grow.
I guess a lot of what is happening are consequences of choices I made, intentionally or unintentionally, long ago.