I’m starting this thread because I’m hoping some Dopers can give me some tips about how to deal with long stretches of my own company without sinking into a depressive episode - usually characterised by paranoia, self-hatred and pessimism.
Reading Skald’s thread about the hypothetical year without human contact made me realise not everyone approaches this kind of situation in such a silly way.
It’s not like I don’t have friends. I should have recent memories and future appointments to make me realise that being alone now doesn’t mean being alone forever.
I was dumped over a month ago - and I’m getting over it, the relationship was short but I loved him. But he still calls and is a good friend.
But I can’t deal with spending a weekend on my own, especially during the approaching months (I think Oct-Nov is the worst time of year for me. The clocks go back and the evenings get dark. Almost a year now I suffered insomnia, extreme anxiety and frequent suicidal ideation. I’m worried about going back to that.)
I should be okay with it. I can piss away hours on the Internet. I like reading and music. Though I’m put off watching films and doing active stuff (e.g. visiting a museum, going for a swim) probably due to my depressive tendencies wherein I convince myself I’m better off not trying.
How do you enjoy your own company? What activities help, what don’t, in combatting any feelings of loneliness or depression? What CBT methods do you use in lonely situations, if any?
Sounds a lot like me. I know you just said you were put off of such things, but active really is better than passive, I find. Reading, internet browsing, and even music and movies, in my experience, are too easily shrugged aside when the shitty thoughts start cropping up, so the best way for me to avoid wallowing is by getting involved in things that I’m not easily pulled right out of. If you’re anything like me, it doesn’t take much to distract you from your leisure activity and put you in a kind of self-destructive frame of mind when you aren’t feeling so hot, so the more distracting the activity itself is, the better off you’ll be.
For me, posting to the boards is better than reading the boards, listening to music while going for a walk is better than while sitting around, playing a video game is better than watching TV, and so on. It really does make a huge difference to take off some of the edge that comes from feeling required to provide your own recreational sustenance when you have a little bit of external feedback coming back at you, even if it’s just a little bit of a change in scenery or something.
Like I said, I’m not terrific at it myself, though, and I’m not always great at taking my own medicine, but I find that the more I require myself to do, the less I’m thinking about thinking, or feeling bad about feeling bad, or what have you.
Escapism. Video games. Lots of them. Alcohol. Not quite so much. Weed. A little less. Powerful combination, they are.
Oh, and being utterly devoid of a sense of responsibility helps too.
More to the point: Don’t. I completely understand the desire to withdraw, but that’s a really bad idea. Exercise helps a lot (and I say this while I’m sitting lazily at home, of course). Socialization, even with a few strangers, can help somewhat. Friends are even better. You should not be learning to enjoy your own company*. You should be trying to override those negative feelings and doing things that you don’t want to do, knowing that will be good for you anyway; over time, those irritating forced distractions will become more and more pleasurable and you’ll have less and less desire to mope. And slowly, life regains its regular pulse (or perhaps gains one for the first time) and hopefully you’ll become too immersed in the moments to be miserable. It never really turns out quite that well, of course, but every little thing helps.
*That’s not to say you can’t use some time to yourself every now and then, but right after a breakup and right before the onslaught of possible depressive episodes does NOT seem like a good moment. Learning to enjoy being by yourself might be something you can learn later on when other things in life are going all right, but IMHO there’s too much on your plate right now for you to go at it alone.
Reply-fair point, but there will be times when I am low on funds, my flatmate’s away on one of his many frequent business trips, there’s nothing going on at work or amongst my other friends…It doesn’t help that I’ve only been living in the city I am for two and a half months, and a lot of my best friends are further south in London. I think I would just like to be at peace with my own company, at least.
Being somewhat of an “ambivert” I can go for long periods of time without human company so long as I have something to occupy my time. Like a book or videogame or something. But after awhile I tend to need some human companionship (and Internet does not count FYI). How comfortable you are by yourself is largely dependent on whether you are an introvert or an extrovert or somewhere in the middle. Also note that has nothing to do with how shy or gregarious you are.
Basically I think I know what you are talking about. When I lived alone, I had a fair number of friends to do stuff with, but we typically did it in the evenings. So for most of the day or all day Sunday I wouldn’t really be interacting with other people on a meaningful level. The only thing I can suggest is to join some sort of activity or club or something where you are meeting with people on a regular basis. Or just call someone up to go to lunch with or something.
I’m not sure what it’s like there, but normally I’d suggest maybe doing something outdoorsy in this case. Hiking, camping, mountain biking, rock climbing, etc. are great, low-cost escapes whether you do them alone or with small groups. Bring a book along for intellectual stimulation (which is another form of distraction). That would provide exercise, a change of scenery, external stimuli , etc. – all good for you even if going out seems like the last thing in the world you want to do. You don’t absolutely have to take people along with you if you don’t want to.
How about a pet? Even just a temporary one? Sometimes animals can provide some degree of emotional support (at least a semblance of shared joy) without the accompanying complexity inherent in human relationships. If you don’t want a long-term pet, consider helping out at an animal shelter for a few days or weeks; sometimes they’ll let you take animals out for walks or even home for a few days.
I know I joked about it, and while gaming IS an effective escape, I heavily recommend AGAINST it in times of distress – it is sometimes too effective and can easily become an unhealthy addiction. Take my word for it and don’t go there.
Sounds like you have a touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder.
How about getting a full spectrum light designed for those with SAD and put it into your lighting fixture?
I have an aerogrow garden sitting next to me, the light cycles on at 5 am when I get up and off at 10 pm when I go to bed. Fools me into believing it is light out =) [or at least some little sensor in my brain that goes all wonky in SAD sufferers]
Though an aerogarden is a good idea, growing things tends to cheer people up, I have a basil plant that is growing so fast I have to prune the top once a week to keep it short enough to stay in the aerogarden =)
If you’ve only been living in your city for a few months, one of the things you could do is to explore it. Does it have any cultural or historical sites that would be worth visting? Is there a guidebook for tourists that you could look at for inspiration? One of the fondest memories of my life was a summer I spent alone in England, so I’m biased, but there were a lot of places I visited that were fascinating and enjoyable on my own. Many cities even have books of walking tours that you can take. Even if your city doesn’t rise to the level of a tourist attraction, you can still go for walks to learn about it. Look for new restaurants to try for lunch, explore local shops, get a sense of different neighborhoods. Just walking around you might see activities that might interest you – something going on in a local park, a flea market or craft fair, classes being offered, etc.
I find that this kind of exploration is very good for feelings of loneliness and depression, because a) it’s good exercise; b) it gets you out of your rut and thinking about something new and different; and c) it makes you feel like you are a part of your community. I remember once during a bad period, I went for a long walk and went into a little shop where I ended up having a nice conversation with the proprietor (he was from Egypt and we talked about his background). I went home feeling great that I had actually established contact with a new person and had a conversation, even though I don’t think I ever saw the guy again. Part of your current loneliness is that you’re feeling like a fish out of water in an unfamiliar place. You might feel better if you turn it into a familiar place.
All of your post is good advice and definitely rings a bell - especially the difficulty of taking your own medicine…:rolleyes:
Reply, it cracks me up that the other poster wound you up about only getting to level 24 - what a bastard! And yeah, I’m in Birmingham - the British one.
What annoys me is – yesterday I did the activity and excercise stuff – I went swimming, I went to a farmers’ market, I spoke to a travel agent about a holiday, and visited a new independent coffee shop. I rang a couple of friends. Why, when I get home, I can’t just watch Strictly Come Dancing, drink a couple of glasses of red wine and read a book without feeling rubbish - I don’t know.
Perhaps the wine is part of the problem. I like the taste, dammit!
Alexandra, your post really spoke to me strongly. I have struggled with similar issues in the past few years myself. After I moved to Japan the first time, 2 years ago, I would sometimes be sitting at home and just start sobbing to myself because I was facing a whole day with no human interaction. The strange thing was that back at home in the States I had no problem going for WEEKS without human interaction. But once I started meeting more people, it was like an addiction and I just needed more and more human stimulus. Now I have just moved to a new city in Japan and am feeling that way again.
It`s better now, probably because I don’t have as much culture shock and homesickness going on, but I still know what you mean about spending a busy and productive day with friends and doing errands–and then still feeling like a loser because you don’t have plans for that night. As far as I know, I don’t have any problems with clinical depression or anything–loneliness is just something that happens to everyone. I don’t know if you have depression issues or anything–and I don’t want to pretend those don’t exist–but maybe it will help a little to keep in mind that almost EVERYONE feels like that sometimes. It doesn’t matter if you are young and beautiful and busy–or the opposite. I have heard some of my most social, popular friends talk about these feelings of loneliness. Douglas Adams, an amazing and hilarious writer, himself wrote about the “long dark tea time of the soul.” I really think it’s a pretty universal feeling, although I’m sure clinical depression and whatnot can really exacerbate it.
A few things help for me. Keeping it in perspective, as I mentioned before. Exercise is always a big one. Gets you some endorphins. Often I will just go out to a coffee shop and read or study for hours. Just being around other people, often just chilling on their own, like I am, does wonders. You can also try actively meeting people–just making the effort makes me feel better. For example, I’ve been meeting some cool people on OKCupid lately. Seeing that people actually want to talk to me and are interested in me makes things look a little brighter.
If you ever are feeling down and want some human interaction, feel free to send a PM. I just may be feeling down too.
Cycling works for me, some other individual physical activity may work for you. Booze too, probably a bit too well. The internet also. Work, definitely (I usually work on on-site projects, which helps shift your focus and forces you to deal with other people). Calling people on the phone sometimes works, but not all that much for me - I’m just not that chatty, when I talk to people it has to be about something concrete/interesting.
Play an MMORPG. You’ll be spending time you didn’t know you have on it. Weekends will never be dull again as you are asked by your guild/group to help camp a mob, go on a raid, level up, do quests, or attend a fake wedding.
Well, I reached out to someone, not the right choice (my ex, still a friend, but not the friend I needed right now, I realised in retrospect, as he told me he was putting himself out there again) and I expressed myself badly but…shit. It didn’t help. Still lonely and this is descending into a general depression-whine so I’ll stop but thank you for the messages and PMs, people - I want to reply properly, so if I haven’t, it’s because it’s half eleven and I’ve been proofreading and crying all evening (oh how emo :rolleyes: ).
If it helps at all, you’re far from the only one. (And I don’t think you need to apologise for sinking into a depression-whine - it’s far better to bitch about it out loud than let it echo around the inside of your head!) I’ve just moved from the UK to France, where I don’t know anyone other than my partner, and can’t find a job. Not that I’m looking particularly hard, admittedly - but there’s nothing around when I do look. And I, too, can see this becoming a big problem as the weather gets worse and the days get shorter and blah. Autumn and winter are not fun.
So, I’ll be stealing the suggestions from people in here - particularly those of you who moved abroad, like Tanaqui, thank you for sharing your experience - and if you ever need to bitch to a random stranger, well, I’ll almost certainly be online, since I have nothing much else to do!
And yeah, I’m in Birmingham - the British one.
