The man woke up with a start. Someone was banging on his front door. “Help me, help me!” a voice cried. “He’s trying to kill me! Let me in! Oh, help me!”
“So much for getting some sleep” the man thought, and went to the door to see what the commotion was all about.
He opened the door and a girl came sweeping in. She didn’t have a broom or anything, that’s just a way to say she came in in a rush. And that’s not to imply a cattail deally was involved. He opened the door and a girl entered the house quickly.
“Why you are a man of small stature.” the girl said.
“Great, I’m dealing with some PC wienie” the man thought. “No,” he said. “I’m a Dwarf. And just so you know, I’m rather tall for a Dwarf.” said the man, who was a Dwarf and damned proud of it too, thank you very much.
“Wow,” the girl thought. “If this is a tall Dwarf, I wonder what the short ones are like. He only comes up to my bellybutton. If I ran into him at night when I got up for a glass of water and he was coming the other way, I could break his nose. And I’d enjoy that much more than he would.” Ain’t relative stature great?
“Who are you, and what’s going on. We need a little plot development, girl.” said the Dwarf.
“Oh, yes,” said the girl. " I am Grisel. I am engaged to Prince Charming, but his mother, stepmother really, but I don’t like to make that distinction. Once the family is blended, it’s just a family, I always say. Anyway, his mother didn’t like me. Jealous of my beauty if you want to know the truth. “Who’s the fairest of them all” she’d ask. When the mirror, she has a talking mirror, said it was me, well, she freaked. She sent me off into the woods with a woodchopper. He was supposed to kill me and take my heart back to the queen. I got away from him using my feminine wiles. I pretended to come on to him, then I kneed him in the nuts. I ran off, and found your house, and here I am. You have to take me in and protect me."
“Well, it’s not just me who lives here. My name is Meadowlark, by the way. I’ll have to ask my brothers. Ah, here they are now. They must have gathered around while you were bringing me up to speed. This is Stumpy. This is Scabby. This is Leather. That’s Ringo, and there’s Queezy. Bob’s over in the corner. So, boys, should we keep her?”
“Yeah, she could be our bitch.” said one of the Dwarves. Grisel didn’t look to see who it was, but you just know it was Scabby.
“I could take care of your house, and cook your meals. That kind of stuff. But no fooling around. Not till we get to know each other better. And if I wake up tied to my bed with 14 beady eyes around me, I’d better not be untied, if you know what I mean. You heard about the woodchopper.” said Grisel.
“OK” agreed the Dwarves.
They got along fine. Grisel kept house and the Dwarves let her. Scabby would “accidentally” walk in on her when she was in the bath, and “accidentally” brush up against her, grabbing her ass “accidentally”. Until Grisel “accidentally” poured a gallon of hot soup into his lap and “accidentally” threatened him with a carving knife.
Every once in a while an Old Lady would show up at the door, selling apples. Grisel was always nice to her. She’d let the Old Lady in and offer her tea. Grisel would buy the batch of apples and send the Old Lady on her way. She wouldn’t eat the apples. What? You think Grisel is stupid? But she and the Dwarves would chuck them at the rats they found in the pantry.
One day, when Meadowlark came home from the mines, he brought a newspaper. He sat down in his favorite chair and asked “So, the Old Lady was back with her apples again?”
“Yup,” said Grisel. “See how the plate is already tarnishing? I swear, I just get it clean and she shows up with another load of apples. Her disguise is getting better though. Her nose didn’t fall off into the tea this week.”
“That’s nice, and the rats are staying out of the pantry now. Check out the paper. First page of the “People” section. It might interest you.”
“THAT BASTARD!” Grisel said. “I’ll love you forever, he said. You’re my one and only, he said. I was wondering why he didn’t come get me.”
The first page of the “People” section had the headline: PRINCE CHARMING BIGAMY SCANDAL! Snow White and Cinderella wed to same man.
“He was going to make me wife number trois. Ooooh, I’ll GET him for this. I’m getting a lawyer!”
She did get a lawyer, but didn’t take the prince to court. He settled to keep the story out of the papers. Two wives were bad enough, but if everyone found out about the Twinkie on the side, and she was living with seven guys, that was too much. It was quite a generous settlement. She could have afforded her own place, but she really got to like the Dwarves. She did take some of the money and hire a burly guy to keep the Old Lady away. The rat problem was taken care of, and they just didn’t need any more poisoned apples. And she was really getting on everyone’s nerves.
Uncle Rue, story guy.
