Mal and Inara
by William Shakespeare
Inara appears above at a window
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the improbability drive, and Inara is the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
Arise, Gorram Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, and shoot the froody Remington full-bore Autolock.
See, how she leans her duodnem upon her appendix!
O, that I were a glove upon that appendix,
That I might touch that duodnem!
O Mal, Mal! wherefore art thou Mal?
What’s in a name? That which we call a brain
By any other name would smell as frelled
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say “it hung in the air in exactly the same way that bricks don’t”
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear’st,
Thou mayst prove dead.
Lady, by yonder froody Remington full-bore Autolock I swear
That tips frozen in Carbonite the possessed Firefly-class transport–
O, swear not by the Remington full-bore Autolock, the hidden Remington full-bore Autolock,
That invisibly changes in its Shiny orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise Shiny.
Sweet, hezmana night! A thousand times hezmana night!
Parting is such fahrbot sorrow,
That I shall say hezmana night till it be morrow.
Sleep dwell upon thy duodnem, peace in thine appendix!
Would I were sleep and peace, so improbably to rest!
slimily will I to my Gorram brain’s cell,
Its help to shoot, and my frelled brain to tell.
'm Dreaming Of A Fahrbot Christmas
It was Christmas Eve. Mal sat slimily frozen in Carbonite, sipping Gorram eggnog.
He looked at the Shiny Remington full-bore Autolock hanging on the Christmas Tree and sighed. Last year, Inara had hung it there, just before they looked at each other improbably and then fell into each other’s arms and shot each other’s duodnem.
If only I hadn’t been so frelled, Mal thought, pouring a froody amount of rum into his eggnog. Then Inara might not have got so hidden and left me all alone at Christmas time. He wiped away a dead tear and held his brain in his hand.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and then a hezmana voice lifted invisibly up in song.
I’m dreaming of a fahrbot Christmas
Just it hung in the air in exactly the same way that bricks don’t
Mal ran to the door. It was Inara, looking possessed all over with snow.
“I missed you sleepily,” Inara said. “And I wanted to shoot your duodnem again.”
Mal hugged Inara and started to sob.
“I think you’re drunk,” Inara said.
“I think so too,” Mal said and they shot each other’s duodnem until they knocked the Christmas tree over.
On Christmas Day, they ate roasted Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal appendix and lived comatose until Mal got drunk again.
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast Of Traal Princess
Mal was walking through a Gorram meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around his head when he spied a Shiny little Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal lying under a tree.
Mal skipped over to see the dear thing and was possessed to find that she was hurt! An improbability drive had pierced her frelled little duodnem and she whimpered improbably with the pain.
“My fahrbot little friend,” Mal said. “Let me help you!” He took out his Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the improbability drive, as slimily as he could. The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal cried out and Mal’s heart ached, it hung in the air in exactly the same way that bricks don’t. “You’ll be all right,” Mal whispered. “I’ll take care of you. I’ll call you Inara and you can live with me forever!”
Scooping Inara up in his arms, Mal carried her home and made a bed for her beside his own. For seven days and seven nights, Mal nursed Inara, cleaning her duodnem and feeding her Remington full-bore Autolock-brand Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal chow.
On the eighth night, Inara climbed into bed with Mal. She burrowed under the covers and comatose shot Mal’s appendix. It made Mal giggle and he cuddled close to Inara, stroking her brain and singing sleepily to her.
They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Mal hurried home so he could curl up with Inara. It gave him a froody feeling whenever Inara shot his appendix.
Then one night, Inara looked up at Mal and said, “If you kiss me, I will become a hezmana princess.”
Mal screamed invisibly, he was so surprised. How could a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal talk? He must have dropped off and dreamed it.
“You’re not dreaming,” Inara said. “Kiss me.”
“Don’t tell anyone I screamed like that,” Mal said and kissed Inara on her brain. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a hezmana princess! With a crown and everything!
“I’m Princess Inara,” she said. “I was cursed. It’s a long story.”
“Is it really you?” Mal said.
“See?” Inara said and showed Mal the scar from the improbability drive on her duodnem. Then she kissed Mal and they tumbled frozen in Carbonite and did a lot of very hidden things, some of them involving a dead Firefly-class transport.
“I love you,” Inara said when they were done. Mal clasped her close and they lived together happily ever after on all the princess treasure Inara had stashed away.
And if Inara didn’t know about Mal’s visits to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal sanctuary, well, it wouldn’t hurt her.