I am convinced now that I am doomed. Every single solitary time I let a bit of joy or hope or happiness bubble to the surface, someone drops a turd in the bowl.
The first time I noticed this was when, after a long, hard time in my marriage, things seemed to be going well, husband had a job that looked like decent money, and I let myself consider the possibility that we might just be able to buy our first home…got real happy. That day, husband confesses to me that the great wage was just a training period wage, and once training was over, he would be on straight commission…no guaranteed money coming in, and within months he was earning NO commission…we had to PAY his company each week for our health insurance.
This trend of get happy, get crushed continues, in little and big ways through today. Great weather, day off, feel semi-rested, going to a meeting tonight to look into going back to teaching…felt a little pure joy bubble up…phone call from boss.
She’s too sick to work…can I go in for her. Not this morning, when I have free time…but this afternoon, when I have a doctor’s appt. and this meeting to go to. Smack, smack, smack.
This is why I refuse to get happy about the guy I’m dating. It’s doomed, and as long as I feel that way, it’s safe. Anyone else feel joy is an enemy?