Person A makes a remark that is clearly not intended to be insulting in any way, shape or form. Person B is nonetheless insulted by said remark.
[ol][li]Should Person A simply apologize, regardless of the fact that s/he clearly did not mean the remark to be in any way offensive, or is the explanation of intent sufficient response?[/li]
[li]Should Person B apologize when told of Person A’s innocuous intent, deferring to possibly being overly sensitive, or should s/he expect the apology anyway?[/li]
[li]If person B demands an apology either way, who should be more indignant - Person A for Person B’s oversensitivity and misinterpretation of his/her clear intent, or Person B for not getting an apology since, regardless of intent, s/he still feels offended?[/ol][/li]
This is, FTR, a hypothetical situation. WWMMD*?
I invariably apologize. It’s just my nature to do so. Others don’t. I just shrug them off.
In short, do whatever you feel like doing. If you feel like you wounded someone deeply, just say sorry and be done with it. Or don’t. They’ll get over it.
I generally apologize just to be civil, but I do not do so in a manner that suggests that the “offence” was rightly inferred. For example, if someone mistakenly interpreted a statement of mine as sexist, I would apologize for not being clearer, making it crystal clear that I think a misinterpretation has taken place.
If there is someone who is hyper-sensitive, I might not apologize if I think indulging this tendency will only lead to more silliness.
“I’m sorry you misunderstood what I said, but it was not what I meant.”
This is presuming it’s not some stupid thing like when the guy in D.C. said “niggardly” and people took it as a racial insult. In that case, there is no reason to apologize for somebody else’s stupidity.
The effect of a real or perceived insult can cause the various fluids of emotion to flow quite heavily in some. There are those who might suggest that testosterone and adrenaline can excite the ego of a properly predisposed male, to amazing levels.
At the same time, the thought of apologizing can bring an equally bilious taste to someone with tendencies to think: “Right or wrong, ain’t no way I’m gonna give in even an inch to you.”
There seems to be many occasions in life where the art of hiding an emotion can better serve a situation. In business, public, or personal interaction, those who can prevent others from detecting any response to words or actions can sometimes make an encounter turn out to ones own pleasure. Hidden anger, or distaste, or fear, or lust can, in the short and long run, create the potential to disarm whoever initially inspired those feelings.
Common courtesy goes a long way to lubricate social interaction. The failings of some to observe this need not require a response in kind.
Sometimes, for some, wording an apology and then voicing it in a manner that others would deem flawless, can still allow the one delivering it to know at a gut level that s/he has just won in the grand scheme of things. The pleasure of skillful acting in certain situations can be the thoroughly marinated olive from the depths of a triple martini, figuratively speaking of course.(swizzle)
Person A should apologize to Person B, intensity of the apology should be based on whether in retrospect Person A can see how what they said could be taken as insulting.
i.e. if you intended to insult them, you likely wouldn’t apologize. As you did not intend to insult them, you’ve caused an accidental injury, and therefore should apologize. If you’d accidentally dropped something on their foot, wouldn’t you apologize? You didn’t try to hurt them, but you did hurt them, so an apology is due.
A person’s feelings were hurt. A person you felt was worthy of your conversation was hurt by something you said. This always rates an apology. An explanation of your original intent, accompanied by an indication of regret at having hurt their feelings or insulting them, should smooth it all over. A conversation isn’t all about you. I hate it when someone upsets me and then gets upset with me for being upset. Why not accidently kick me in the shin and then frown at me for feeling pain and saying “ow”?
absolutely appologize Esprix and I teach that to my clients as well. The theme (as expressed here) is that person A intended no harm, but harm occcured. Why should they not express regret that harm occured?
Happens all the time. It becomes a problem when folks get stubbornly focused on ‘I din’t do nuthin wrong’. I always point out that, for example, I was in the right 2 years ago when some one totaled my car. Didn’t mean I didn’t have a totaled out car, either. Being ‘right’ isn’t the be-all and end-all.
People are raised in different ways, slang terms mean different things to different people. I try personlly to not assume offensive intentions whenever possible.
Example (and I just love this one, true story - I work with convicts, so I have a million of 'em).
Person A, when she was with her friends hanging out, they all would say stuff like “hey Bitch, get me a Pepsi”. Thought nothing of it, that’s how they commonly referred to each other in a friendly setting. She went to prison (see where this is going?) wanted to be friendly… “hey bitch…” she got beat up. a lot. It took her too long to learn that not everyone considered the word ‘bitch’ to be an affectionate one.
nature of offense, relationship of A to B, nature of remark, personality of A and B, etc.
I do think that the fear of offending has gotten much worse, and people are taking offense much too readily. The “niggardly” remark is an excellent example. That completely annoyed me, because that is a terrific word which has fallen into disuse precisely for that reason. Not unlike the new and improved promounciation of “Uranus”. Get a goddamn grip, folks.
Oh…the most important component of “depends” is “desired end result” - does Person A really care what Person B thinks? If person B remains offended without apology, will this have long term consequences that A does not wish to experience? The big picture must be taken into account.