OK. I’m bipolar, I was diagnosed when I was 16 or so. For a few years I took a whole bunch of different drugs, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Depakote briefly. They made me gain a lot of weight, and made me unable to control my temper. I assumed I was just a loose cannon until that report on Prozac making people suicidal and prone to violent outbursts. That was me for a while.
I stopped taking all the drugs because I gained so much weight. I figured it was silly to take drugs to make me happy when the drugs themselves actually gave me a reason to be depressed.
I haven’t taken anything for almost 5 years now. I do all right most of the time, as it’s not very severe, but sometimes I just feel like absolute shit. Like right now. I have a great boyfriend, I’ve been doing well in school, I just started a new job that I like. And I feel horrible. And I know I shouldn’t feel horrible, that it’s all in my head, but I can’t change the way I feel.
So I was wondering, will I ever be able to manage this on my own? Will I get to a point where I can decide not to be depressed? Or are my only options taking medication forever or feeling crappy periodically?
Are there any other options besides drugs? And should I worry about occasional horrible thoughts like “I wish I were dead” or “Maybe Ben got in a horrific car accident driving home” or “I wonder what would happen if I stabbed myself in the stomach with this fork”? Does everyone have those, or am I crazy?