Update - Stepfather pleads to child molestation charges. Need advice.

In My Humble Opinion
61

I understand where you are coming from CAAOM, but consider this. How high, wide and deep is the barrier between you diddling a child? That is a big, huge, massive mental hurdle to climb over. The discrete difference between “one ya know, one ya don’t” is extraordinarily minor by comparison.

I can’t even fathom a grown up of any age not being able to pick out a 13/14 year old in less than 5 minutes of conversation. I’m assuming it takes more than 5 minutes for an average guy to get his hand down an average girls pants.

62

Get the kids out, and get them in a stable situation. The oldest is just hitting puberty and entering high school and the others are soon to follow–this is exactly the time in their lives that they need a good male role model.

After Greg gets the kids (hopefully), he should carve out huge amounts of time in his schedule to make them a part of his normal life.

63

If they’ve already been moved around a lot by their mom, then if Greg gets custody and they have to move yet again–well, they will be saved many more random moves at Susan’s whim. So while it wouldn’t be fun, I think it would be best and more stable in the long run.

64

The conviction is a material event sufficient to justify a new hearing on custody. As a former guardian ad litem, I have to say that I would not want to have this case. The competing interests here are going to be the safety of the children of the first marriage, given that the stepfather is at risk to molesting those children, versus the likelihood of harm that would proceed from separating the children of the first marriage from the children of the second marriage (having lived together for five years, there is likely significant bonding, and this is a factor that is given significant weight).

If I were the father, I would waste no time filing for a change of custody based on the conviction and not wait for the stepfather to be released from prison to file. If he waits until he gets out of prison, the mother can argue a laches defense to the father’s motion for reconsideration since it was based on events that took place quite some time ago. Even if the motion to change custody based on the conviction fails, a new motion filed when stepfather is released can again be brought because his release again constitutes a material event.

65

Hmmm - in the previous custodial hearing, was this little tidbit mentioned at all? It says a LOT about the mother’s ability to provide a stable home. Also, what’s with moving that often? With 6 kids involved, NOBODY moves that often unless they’re forced to.

Which would suggest a bit more digging into why they were forced to move so often.

66

Yeah. And even if the argument were that stepfather was blind drunk (which is a random thought - I don’t think NS said anything remotely about that above), the mere fact that he drank so much as to not know WHAT or WHOM he was doing, is pure and simple evidence that he’s a danger to the kids.

On the other side (assuming everything Susan says is gospel truth, hah) even if the 13 year old really was a “slut”… quite frankly, if you’re an adult male, these days you avoid being alone with young kids not related to you simply because of the risks of accusations like this. So he should have gotten away from Li’l Lolita before anything came within 10 miles of happening. Another sign that there’s at least one adult in that marriage who’s got seriously fucked-up judgment.

67

go for full custody.

68

I know my earlier response was a bit lukewarm; having read the additional information you’ve given us and thought about it more, I think Greg should undoubtedly fight for full custody of his children. Their mother is clearly not providing a stable home, and she’s not showing good judgement in regards to the safety of her children. Of course Greg’s boys will be angry and upset at having to move again, and leaving their siblings, but hopefully they will recover and (eventually) understand that it’s for the best. If Greg does get custody, family therapy could be very helpful in smoothing out some of the rough spots.

69

Most of the adults I know cannot even stand having a conversation with a teen. They talk too fast and its all about boys/drama/TWILIGHTOMFG EDWARD IS SO DREAMY/and stuff. It’s like stream of consciousness talking on a Red Bull Expresso with more eyerolling and whatever. yanno?

It would take alot of familiarity to get into some girls pants, IMHO.

70

On Friday, Stepfather was sentenced to 3 years in prison for molesting the 13-year-old girl.

Susan had a bizarre reaction. The very next day, she suddenly left the state with her 6 kids to move to across the country, more than 2,500 miles away (from California to a state in the Southern U.S.)

Here are the details: Two weeks before Stepfather’s sentencing trial, Susan made a mention to Greg of a plan in the event that her husband was sentenced to prison. Apparently, the Stepfather’s female cousin was in town for the sentencing hearing (along with his parents and some other family members). Susan befriended the cousin, who is a woman around the same age as Susan, who is in the middle of a divorce and lives in a small town in the aforementioned Southern state. Susan and this cousin came up with the idea that they could become roommates (since the cousin is divorcing her husband) and the cousin’s parents (Stepfather’s aunt and uncle) offered to pay for a trailer for Susan to pack her things and drive cross-country.

The idea sounded very far-fetched, but we didn’t think she would actually do it. She often talks about things that she never ends up doing.

Two weeks passed, and Greg did not hear any other mention of a plan to move… no mention of packing up the house, nothing.

Then this Saturday - the day after her husband was sentenced to prison - Susan calls Greg from the road and said she’d packed up her house, bailed out on her lease, and had begun her journey across the country - with her 6 children and Stepfather’s cousin - to “begin a new life.” In essence, she is running away, and burying her head in the sand to avoid having to face the truth about her husband that she has denied for so long.

This woman has never held a job in her adult life, has no education, and the father of her younger 3 children will be in prison for 3 years - he was the only breadwinner in her household. His income is gone, and the only other money she has coming is the child support Greg is paying…

She knows no one in this new town except for the cousin. She is leaving an area where she has a large support network of family (mainly her parents) who could help her with handling 6 kids on her own. Greg’s 3 kids were close with their grandparents, and they usually stayed over the grandparent’s house every weekend.

I don’t know what to think. I am worried about how the kids are reacting to all of this. It must be confusing and frightening - their stepfather of 5 years goes to prison, and the next day they are moving across the country? Greg asked them on the phone yesterday, very gently, “how do you feel about your trip?” (answer: “I don’t know,”) and said “if you want to talk about anything, just let me know…” Minutes later, Susan texted him, reprimanding him for asking the kids questions and “stressing them out.”

The only positive thing at this point is that the kids will be within an 8-hour drive of us, so visits will be a lot easier. BUT other than that, I don’t have a good feeling about this.

Greg’s custody case is still ongoing, and the next hearing is scheduled for July. He is going to talk to his lawyer about the latest developments, but I don’t hold out much hope. Now that the stepfather is out of the picture for the next 3 years, a judge no longer has a reason to remove the children - absent any solid proof that Susan is an imminent danger to them.

This sucks. Any thoughts or words of wisdom will be appreciated!

71

I just want to add another detail: to be fair, the rents in this small Southern town are very cheap - we looked on craigslist, and you can get a 4-bedroom single-family home for like $1,000 a month or less, which is MUCH cheaper than the rents in the Bay Area, where Susan was living.

She told Greg her plan was to rent a 4-bedroom house, and she would have one bedroom, the cousin a room, Greg’s 3 boys a room, and the other 3 kids (ages 1, 2.5, and 5) a room.

So in effect, Greg’s child support will be supporting Susan’s entire family: Greg’s 3 PLUS Susan and her other 3 kids. This strikes me as a huge kick in the balls to Greg. Even if Susan got a job, any minimum-wage job she could get would barely cover child care for her younger children, if at all. And then she could only theoretically work during school hours.

72

IANALawyer, I’m only spouting some random thoughts that I might talk to a lawyer about.

If he has some visitation rights, he may be able to pursue some legal recourse, as she will be moving to a place where practical visitation is impossible. Or spousal kidnapping? I dunno, it all depends if they have some arrangemnts with a court that this move will violate.

Honestly, though, it doesn’t sound like a terrible idea to me, except for taking some of the kids out of range of their father – the one not sentenced to prison. The idea of going far far away has some genuine appeal, and I can see why she’d leap at the chance.

73

That’s just silly. The kids are closer and easier to visit now. I vote for “let the legal system do it’s thing, making it go as quickly as possible without hurting Susan in the process.” I can’t imagine what she’s going through right now, although it seems like she’s making terrible choices.

74

Why are some of you questioning the father’s ability to be a good parent to three children while he has a full time job? Single women do this all the time! Forget his gender. He can do this! Get those children out now and away from that admitted child molester and the woman who covered for him.

I would even try for a temporary court order.

Yes it hurts to be separated from your siblings and from your mother. This is an all-round ugly situation. He is their father and must act to protect them from something which potentially could hurt them far more. And they will still have each other. In the future they will remember that their father was there for them.

75

nyctea, question for you: what do you want to see happen? Here, take my magic wand, and think about what you want before you wave it.

'Cause I have to be honest - it looks like nothing this woman can do will please you. This thread and others have been all about how terrible a mother she is to keep these kids with her husband, in a state far, far away, and now she’s moved them away from him, to a state much closer to you, with an affordable rent and a cousin who needs her help and can help her out, and that’s not good, either? What do you want?

76

nyctea scandiaca, thanks for the update. I haven’t posted often to your threads on the subject but I follow them; my sister divorced her child-molesting husband a few years back so the subject has personal resonance.

Whynot, if I were nyctea, I would use your magic wand to get Greg custody of his children ASAP. Yes, the kids are no longer living with Stepfather the Molester. Yes, she and the kids are now closer to Greg and has more affordable rent. But Susan is still interfering with Greg’s fathering, is still making questionable life choices, is still involved with Stepfather the Molester’s family, and is still relying on Greg’s child support to support more than just Greg’s kids.

77

Sorry I didn’t re-read the OP. I thought the mom was moving away from the unindicted dad.

78

I’m a little confused too. In post 54 she states that what seems to be happening would be the ideal situation. Now that it is happening it is apparently not the ideal situation.

79

Heck, as far as we know, my grandfather’s molestation has all been of his descendants; we do know that the Stepfather in the case this thread is about molested the daughter of friends’, that is, someone for whom he was (even if laterally) responsible. Being his (step)children or the friends of said children will not be a barrier at all: it will be an opportunity.

80

If I remember right, Greg’s kids are old enough to yell “Get me outta here!” if they feel threatened. Have they even hinted that they’re not content with the new arrangement?

Make sure your ducks are in a row for the hearing in July. If you can, ask a neutral friend to play Judge Judy/devil’s advocate and ask the hard questions, so you’ll be ready. You won’t have more than a few minutes in front of a judge, so you’ll need to focus on what’s best for the kids, and convince the judge that they’re better off with Greg.