ED = Excessive Dumbness?
Please people, introduce your acronyms.
[Yes, I’m kidding. I know which ED is meant. Both of them] 
Can’t quite believe I even opened this thread, but on this point… given a food-processor-like vacuum cleaner, the interval between the first slice and the next slice is going to be a matter of a small number of microseconds (rpm of the motor being in the thousands, possibly tens of thousands, and there being multiple blades on the fan). Taken together with the fact that the machine is also actively impelling anything that goes up the tube, I’d say there’s not only going to be a single slice of the salami, before reflexes kick in to stop it.
You’re probably right.
My point was that real vacuum cleaners are very unlike food processors.
Thinking of the two-bladed processors, rather than the ones with grating disks, one of the “features” is the space between passing blades is big enough to drive a penis shaft into. Whereas a more typical vacuum fan has blades much closer together so you can’t advance the workpiece very far into the cutter per rotation before you hit the flat of the next blade.
Your point about high RPM is significant. Given enough space between two or even 4 blades, and an impulsive speed of advance of the workpiece, you could get a lot of slices in a very short unit of time compared to human reaction time.
Every time I add to this thread I keep thinking about the wacky German(?) guy who wanted to be killed and eaten. And arranged to make it so. There might be somebody out there so insane / misguided / confused about the correct use of penises to give this a serious try with serious self-mutilation as the goal.
Dudes be wack.
I’ve checked: my shop vac spins over 20,000 RPM. Ordinary household vacuums tend to be smaller, and so it’s likely the impeller spins even faster .
I have mentioned in the past - my first husband had a (mud) fetish. And he networked with other fetishists, some of whom had multiple fetishes. Including one guy who had a vacuum cleaner fetish.
And if there were real chance of getting hurt, I would have heard about it.
I don’t know what you guys are visualizing as to how this works, but the penis is a long way from the motor
I’m glad I’m not the only one utterly befuddled here by talk of blades and stuff.
Perhaps you’ve never looked lustfully at the underside of a Hoover upright. Vacuum cleaners don’t all have long hoses.
Well, it’s the hose that kinda sorta if you squint just right and it’s dark looks something like a woman’s anatomy
If you’re talking the underside, we wouldn’t be talking about lacerations. Come to think of it, I’m not sure what would happen. Anyone want to volunteer to find out? … I mean with a sausage, not your “sausage”
Underside of a vacuum:
https://images.app.goo.gl/AKSB2Db4EG1i3yzPA
Vacuum cleaners don’t all work the same way - in some of the larger ones, there is turbine near the output, creating low pressure in the main body of the device, causing air and dirt (and optionally, dangly appendages) to be drawn in through the inlet, with the filter bag or collection tank trapping the dirt - the turbine is not close to the inlet, and in theory, nothing that the device sucks up can ever get into the turbine - the filter or collection container is in the way.
In other, often more compact devices, the motorised impeller is quite close to the inlet; air, dirt (and optionally, people-salami) is drawn in a short way before passing through the whirling impeller blades, to be blown out into the filter bag. In this type, everything that goes in, goes through the fan by design.
The former type has the advantage of keeping the moving parts mostly free of debris; the latter type has the advantage of generally greater suction per motor watt, because there are fewer losses of suction (via seals, etc) in the smaller low-pressure setup.
One other possibility is that, for a vacuum cleaner of the cylinder type - as depicted below - the end of the metal tube is not necessarily well-finished - at least, not to the standard it might have if the intended use case was direct contact with soft skin. A vacuum of this type could, I suppose, create a laceration encircling the base of any fleshy cylinder that it might uptake.
Yeah, uh-huh, “it turned itself on and caught his penis”. Like I believe that! 
I wish mine would “turn itself on” and vacuum the carpet.
Successfully resists urge to make inappropriate joke.
mine actually does, but it is too low and stocky for my taste and also speaks with the most obnoxious spanish accent, that really turns me off - that’s why she is referred to as Matilda in our household.
Yes, but it works for free. LOL
“I was vaccuming in the nude, as one does, when I tripped and fell…”
You want a Roomba.
I gotta say about this whole thread …
Only on the Dope.
Let’s see … the vacuum hose and attachment are facing down on the floor, so you would have to trip, fall, and somehow get underneath the assembly, and somehow the attachment would have to fall off, and somehow your hapless penis would have to find its way into the hose? Again, I say, “Uh-huh!” 
How on earth would you stick a penis into a Roomba? Think before you post. Sheesh. 
Geez, two-click rule!