Ah – a thread about small wieners! Well, why didn’tcha say so? In fact, I’ve just made a contribution to that thread, in which I tell everybody what a pathetic inexperienced geek I am. (I mean, I’m participating in a thread about magic item jokes, fer cryin’ out loud!)
Speaking of which:
How about a wand of obvious door detection ?
Here are a few:
Cloak of Misplacement–This cloak appears to be a normal article of clothing, but can never be found when the owner wants it.
Circlet of Basting–Causes the wearer’s hair to form a topknot suitable for use in spreading sauce on meat during grilling. Provides no protection from mundane or magical fire.
Tube of Controlling Vacuum Elementals–This strangely light, clear glass object confers total control over one vacuum elemental at a time…if you can find one.
Dust of Dustiness–Any object over which this magical dust is sprinkled will become dusty.
“Fairy Dust”–Actually powdered mica, this dust has no effect whatsoever on anything except to make it sparkle slightly, but it seems to cause players to develop the delusion that their characters should be able to fly with its aid. (Actual item from one of my campaigns–a female goblin used the stuff as a cosmetic before getting gakked by the party.)
Eyes of Myopia–These items are made of special crystal and fit over the eyes of the wearer, causing fuzzy vision and a -5 penalty to spot checks. Wearing only one of the pair causes the character to become dizzy and, in effect, stunned for 1 round. Thereafter, the wearer can use the single lens without being stunned as long as she cover the eye bearing the lens. Of course, she can remove the lens and see normally at any time, or wear both lenses to avoid the dizziness.
Figurine of Wondrous Power: Pewter Miniature–When activated, the Pewter Miniature acts in all ways like a tiny metal statuette of a character.
Metal Bands of Bilarro–When the proper command word is spoken and the square metal device is thrown at an opponent, it will summon all of the still-living members of all the failed garage bands Bilarro started before giving up heavy metal in favor of magic. Any persons conjured will be normal 0-level stock clerks, accountants, and middle managers. Of course, since the last band folded when Bilarro was a teenager, and he’s been dead for centuries…
Manual of Painful Exercise–This thick tome contains descriptions of exercises which, if undertaken, will prove excruciatingly painful and provide no health or fitness benefits whatsoever.
Mirror of Apposition–This mirror may be affixed to a wall and activated or deactivated by use of a command word. While the mirror is activated, any being which looks directly into it from less than three feet away will be instantly transported to a position directly before the mirror and no more than three feet distant from it.
Pluckstone–When roughly applied directly to the skin of a feathered creature, it will cause the feathers sprouting from the touched area to tear free from the skin and fall away.
Vorpal sword of backbiting - More cursed than specifically useless.
Scroll of Read Magic - Only readable by means of Read Magic.
Candle of burning - Burns when lit.
Bag of Holding - Appears to be a normal sack, but can actually hold up to the bag’s volume in material before becoming full.
Potion of thirst-quenching - Counteracts dehydration as though it were a flask of water.
Knife of clean-shaving - +4 vs. facial hair.
Staff of infinite charges - its only magical ability is an unlimited number of charges.
In the D&D-like computer game Nethack, reading a scroll while you’re confused causes you to mispronounce the magic words. Hilarity ensues. F’rinstance, if you read a scroll of identify while you’re confused, the game says:
“You identify this to be a scroll of identify.”
The Teeth of Dahlver Ned - Belonged to Dahlver Nar’s brother. If you remove one of your own teeth and then push one of the Teeth of Dahlver Ned into your gums in its place, it will graft itself into place and allow you to chew food just as though it were a real tooth!
Oh yeah – and before I forget:
ring of nebukinesis - Allows you to pick up and move kings of ancient Babylon, with your mind!
Backinadae’s Ring of Nostalgia
Once per day, this item allows the wearer to perform an action just like he would have when he was 18 years old.
Not like he thinks he could have, peering back through the mists of time, with all the benefits of hindsight, but exactly like he would have at age 18.
Backinadae was a bitter, bitter old man when he crafted this ring.
I remember a video game that had several cursed items. For example if you wore Dark Armor it would give you +50 defence but would cause you to lose 10 HP’s per turn. There was another simular item, when you wore it you would automatically go to sleep on your first round.
Medallion of ESPN – By concentrating for 1 round, the user can become aware of any sporting event in range. Save vs. Wisdom (half Wisdom for male warriors), or the user watches the sports event for the next several hours.
Great Machine of Rube Goldberg – This artifact can generate ANY desired effect (short of creating another artifact or granting deity status), but it involves an inconceivably complex series of steps to accomplish the task. A hamster wheel is almost inevitable.
Uh, do you really want a dragon roaming around looking for something to amuse itself with?
The magic lantern of Bob – Rub it and it says “Bob.”
Wand of infinite woodeness – Wave it and it becomes even more wooden than it was before.
Minos’ touch – Anything touched will manifest a bull’s head.
Ring of rings – When worn, constantly rings like a telephone.
Singing Spoon – Like a singing sword only different.
Amulet of Absolute Tastelessness – Doesn’t go with anything the user wears.
… and gives serious competition to the Viagra industry.
Of course in the hands of a truly Evil DM™ the odds of having some bodily part(leg or foot, or perhaps even lap) underneath the lab table where the mixture is when you add the final ingredient goes way, WAY up.
Enjoy,
Steven
quote:
If I’m desparate, Shade, you’re damn right. I would be hoping that the dragon would go to sleep or something allowing me to escape.
How about:
Spectacles of reverse sight – They allow the wearer to see the backs of his/her eyeballs.
Ring of partial invisibility – Makes the wearer transparent to varying degrees, so bones, organs, and intestinal contents are still visible.
Xeno’s shoes – The wearer will never reach the destination, but will get really, really close.
Einhorn’s Glove of Embarassment - Put it on, it farts.
Potion of Communicate with Corn
Omelette of Brevity - Enables user to get to the point more quickly.
Amulet of Enhance Perspective - Causes parallel lines to really converge towards a single point on the horizon. No, really. Lasts 1d6 turns.
Thrashgar’s faded Mighty Mouse underoos - Enchanted skivvies. Just take my word for it.
A doctor could put that ring on his patient’s finger and look for tumors.
Gargle I, II and III - A Gargle spell causes the caster to throw back his head and let out a deep, resonant gargle for 1d8 turns. At higher levels, the area of effect is increased up to a 25’ radius.
Scroll of Parsing - Enables user to be completely resistant to comma-delimited files.
Milo’s Unpopular Critter - Casts a level 2 Wedgie spell on all squirrels within 3 kilometers of user.
Potion of Spontaneous Orgasm - Warning: Keep this away from trolls. I’m not kidding here.
Hawaiian shirt +5 - Adds +5 to the wearer’s save versus poison when eating poi.
Scroll of Scrolling: Attempting to read this scroll causes the words to move upwards, too fast to read. If the reader manages to read the scroll by some method, it says, “All work and no play makes Archmage Zandelblau a dull boy”, in various languages.
Wand of Teleportation: When the user touches the wand to an object and speaks the command word, the wand teleports itself only to a random location in the same plane.
Dust of Ashes: Sprinkling this dust over ashes turns them into Ashes of Dust.
Ashes of Dust: Sprinkling this ashes over dust turns them into Dust of Ashes.