I’ve posted before about how my mother and aunt (her sister) have both gone deep down the conspiracy-theory rabbit hole. With my aunt, it’s space aliens, telepathy (for instance, she’s been trying for a very long time to buy a horse because she said the horse was secretly talking to her and asked her to buy him), and possibly bona fide schizophrenia - and with my mother it’s much more of the political/QAnon/Trump-Christianity type.
Trying to reason with my mother doesn’t do the slightest bit of good, it hardens her all the more and makes her dig in her heels. I’ve stopped any sort of such attempts because they’re inflaming her and making her think I’m one of the muggles, so to speak. Nothing my father or three siblings has said has ever had any beneficial effect either.
I’m starting to think the only way to get her out of this would be to use reverse psychology. I’m considering pretending to go down the conspiracy-wormhole myself, in such a way that would alarm her - such as letting her “accidentally” notice that I have videos on my computer or smartphone claiming that the Earth is flat, that Nazism is good, that World War II never happened, that Hitler is good, that Biden is in fact a lizard dressed up in human skin, etc. The idea being that it would hopefully appall my mother and make her realize that this is what ludicrous conspiracy theorism really is.
Any other ideas? Getting her to see a therapist is no use at all; she’s made it very clear that if we compel her to go, she will dutifully sit in the therapist’s office and endure a lecture and pretend to comply, and retain her warped thinking anyway once she leaves.
In my past years of debunking CTs, it was often noted that the best tool for debunking a CT was another Conspiracy Theorist. Making her think you believe different CTs won’t convince her to re-think her own CTs, it will just make her debunk your CTs.
And on the flip side, don’t underestimate their ability and/or willingness to believe even more CTs, even if they contradict their current ones. How will you react when she says, “Man, I never thought about it before, but you’re right, Hitler did have some good ideas!”?
Is she likely to do harm to herself or others if you just let her stew in her conspiracy juices? Maybe make three matching tinfoil hats and insist all three of you wear them when you come for Sunday dinner.
I don’t think you can change her or your aunt. These beliefs are not rooted in reason – they reside at a level untouchable by logic. Look at other beliefs that people hold, including, say, a belief in God. For true believers, nothing can shake them, not even the threat of death carried out. (Cite: Christian martyrs)
Sometimes people DO give up what were once closely-held beliefs. Just musing here, but I’m picturing this if something happens that leaves the believer feeling personallybetrayed by the system or hero that they held in high regard. Not sure how you could arrange an event like this…
Maybe you should read up on those people who “de-program” people who are rescued from cults. They probably have some tricks of the trade.
Or you could just let Mom and Auntie twist in the wind and avoid controversial topics when you visit.
She’s not likely to do herself or anyone physical harm, but she may do major financial damage. In recent years, she has sometimes done torrential spending - she once blew $200,000 in just one or two months - and her conspiratorial thinking is driving a lot of the spending or her financial decisions. There is a real risk she may drive herself + my father to bankruptcy after he retires if we cannot restrain or change her mindset. She’s the kind of person who, if she feels that God is speaking to her and telling her to give every penny of a 401k to some Benny-Hinn type televangelist (or is told by a Trumpish “prophet of God” to do so,) very well may do so - and do it in secret if need be.
This may very well be the case; our older son saw a therapist for years before he became an adult, and basically said the same thing-- “I might have to go, but I don’t have to listen”.
But it seems like getting her to a therapist in person is half the battle; once there, a good therapist may have the tools or skills to get through to your mother despite her resistance.
Also therapy for you and / or your father may help with developing skills for coping or dealing with your mother.
In any case, I don’t think the ‘reverse psychology’ piling on of conspiracy theories idea is going to do any good, and could likely make things worse.
Sounds to me as if the most important thing to do is limit the amount of control she has over family money?
Not much you can do about individual 401K or IRA assets she personally owns, but you should be able to set up permissions so she can’t unilaterally drain joint bank or investment accounts?
Unfortunately, that’s all in my father’s control, and throughout the entire marriage my mother has always been domineering to him, so her spending is often met with feeble or no resistance.
While reverse psychology might be fun, it doesn’t seem likely to bring about the change you really want. If her words and behavior are doing serious damage to your relationship, I think you’ll have to explain to her that you love her and want a loving relationship with her, but you can’t continue to have a loving relationship as long as she is spreading insanity, hatred, etc… and you have to mean it. You have to actually cut her off, or at least all-but cut her off, if she doesn’t change. This is only if it’s really that bad. If it’s not that bad, then I’d just walk out or hang up every time she brings up the craziness, and tell her you’re not going to engage with that stuff, and definitely mean it.
All of the following comes from poorly remembered episodes of the You are not so smart podcast.
The method (not trick) of changing someone’s mind is listening and asking questions. Real questions, not “gotcha” ones. Asking questions and listening to the answers gets them to think about their beliefs. Giving counter arguments and debating makes them defensive. Try to find common ground, and discuss from there.
The host’s newest book is about this topic: How Minds Change. I’ve not read it, but based on the podcasts it’s not a guide to deprogramming your mother, rather a summary of the latest research.
Many episodes of the podcast address the topic of conspiracy beliefs directly.
My response would be to explore why she (or they) hold on to CTs. What do those theories do for them and give them? There’s also cognitive dissonance to consider. If someone is confronted with factual evidence that contradicts their beliefs, they will paradoxically hold on to those beliefs more strongly and defend them harder. Instead of confronting a belief head-on, it can be easier to change it to something less distressing and more constructive, as long as it continues to fulfill the underlying role the current CT does.
I’m going to suggest that, sadly, CT belief is an addiction. And like any addiction, the addict can change only once they’ve decided on their own to change. At that point, and not before, others can step in to help.
About the limit of the OP’s options are to make it clear to Mom that she won’t be rejected if she decides to move past her addiction.
The best I can tell is that it gives her a sense of righteous anger that she enjoys. She’s always had a martyr-streak in her, convinced that she’s either suffering for righteousness’ sake or soon will be (or needs to be,) and a steady diet of “Biden and the Democrats and (insert _______) are deliberately ruining things and doing evil this and evil that” is what revs her up.
She also latches very hard onto the words of various Christian “prophets,” and takes their predictions very seriously despite them being wrong almost every single time.
The strange thing is that, in 2016, she was a diehard Trump opponent, to the point where she’d try to persuade random strangers in supermarkets, etc. to not vote for Trump. Then in 2020 she voted for Trump. I don’t get it.
I’ve tried. His response has been “Well…your mom may be right, you know.” And when I asked him if he was going to let her blow his retirement savings, his response was to laugh and say, albeit not-really-enthusiastically, “Yup…”
This is the core of the whole situation in the USA today. Of which the OP’s dear Mom is a pretty good example.
Righteous anger is an addictive drug and there are many outlets pushing it in several flavors. It is easy for someone to immerse themselves in it, literally swimming in a sea of anger-mongering attuned to their personal preferred flavor, whether that’s CTs or MAGA or racism, or LGBTQ+ or whatever.
If she was to decide that righteous anger was just making her old and bitter, and cut herself off from the flow of drug, she would slowly wind down to semi-normalcy. There are lots of vids & blogs about various folks’ recoveries from that rabbit-hole. But it all starts with a near cold turkey quitting of the drug, and that has to be motivated from inside the addict.
This approach sounds more suited to a sitcom with wacky results than real life. I can’t see it working. My approach with conspiracy theorists is to nod my head and change the subject. If that doesn’t work, I make it clear I have no interest in discussing the subject and once again change the subject. It’s worked with my father well enough, but he’s only Conspiracy Lite. One of my best friends is way down the rabbit hole (as a radical leftist) and has burned through several friendships because of it. I’m one of the last ones left standing of his friends because I just say “huh. that’s interesting. Did you check out the Mets game last night?” and veer him off-topic. Can you view that as enabling? Perhaps, but arguing, as you noted, just further entrenches him in his worldview, so I’d argue pushing back is even worse at some point. I ain’t got time for that sort of frustration and it’s counterproductive.
I had to get 2/3 of the way through this article before I could tell if it was parody or news.
Telling quote:
“It’s just nice to have a candidate who shares my belief that 5G is rewriting our DNA who isn’t also completely opposed to gun control of any kind!” said Ann Arrrrbor. “Someone who believes, as I always have, that Americans should die of preventable disease, not from gun violence.”
Actually I’m still not sure.
If it is a parody, it’s a good attempt at reverse psychology.