Very funny courtroom transcripts

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

**I did a search … no one appears to have posted this yet.

One of my friends posted this on Facebook this morning:
**
TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget…
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death…
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No…
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

2

Funny. What’s up with the ad link at the end?

StG

3

Cute. I think these’ve been rolling around since BBS days. I’m also not entirely convinced of their authenticity (not because lawyers and witnesses can’t be as dim or witty as the rest of us–just my general skepticism of anything that’s passed around as a chain letter on the internet), but that doesn’t make them less amusing.

4

Whoops! My mistake – a cut-and-paste error. Mods, could you remove that link?

5

Yeah, the last one, in particular, is a perennial favorite. I’m not sure when I first saw it, but it was quite a while ago.

I’m likewise dubious about their authenticity, though I would not be at all surprised if some of them really did happen as written, and others had just mutated a bit over the years. Given the way lawyers often have to build a narrative through baby-step questions, it’s inevitable that they’re going to misspeak sometimes…and, like a toddler, sometimes they’re going to run off into the tall weeds because they’re too focused on those baby steps rather than the destination. Usually, it’s just confusing, but it would be odd if it didn’t turn comical from time to time.

6

Done. BTW – these things get dealt with faster if you report the post. Use the ! in the triangle. No, it’s not just for reporting spam or misbehavior – works for anything you need a mod to see.

7

I think I read that book, or a similar one. My favorite went something like:

WITNESS: I was just sitting there and he came through the @#%^ door! ATTORNEY: What door did he come through? WITNESS: The @#%^ one!

8

Pretty much all of those have been around for longer than I’ve been practicing law.

I can personally attest to some pretty amusing things said by witnesses, though. I once presented a client for deposition who was asked “Did your father ever have any problem with his facial muscles while you were alive?” She looked genuinely confused and finally answered, “But I am alive.”

Another time I asked a doctor defendant on cross-examination whether his testimony on a key fact in response to his own lawyer’s question was different from what he had said when I asked him the same question on Tuesday. He answered (wary I guess after having been impeached a few times), “That depends on what I said on Tuesday.”

Court reporters can make funny mistakes, too. There was a transcript of a defendant doctor being passed around years ago wherein he was asked about his whereabouts when the nurse called him to come to the hospital and the court reporter transcribed the answer as “a topless bar.” Apparently he had an accent and was saying “tapas bar”

9

I know this one isn’t law related but medical, but as a doctor I’ve read some pretty funny medical transcriptions. The best one I recall from reading a lengthy discharge report probably dictated by a medical resident.
Describing a patient in ICU, note was made as to management of fluids, that inputs or “i’s” (that is oral liquids and IV fluids going in) match or equal outputs or “o’s” (that is waste fluids especially urine) lest the patient become dehydrated. I had a good 10 minute laugh when the dictated “I’s and O’s were well matched” became transcribed as “eyes and nose were well matched”!

10

Yeah I’ve seen this exact list of supposed courtroom transcript excepts going back to USENET and chain emails from the late 1980s

Another one from those lists not in this one, was something along the lines of:

Prosecutor: Did you accompany [the witness] to Los Angeles?
Defendant: I refuse to answer that question.
P: Did you accompany him to New York?
Defendant: I refuse to answer that question.
P: Did you accompany him to Boston?
Defendant: I refuse to answer that question.
P: Did you accompany him to Chicago?
Defendant: (thinks a bit) No.

From a purely legal POV, I’ve always wondered: is the jury allowed to make the obvious negative inference about the defendant being with the witness in any of the first three locations?

11

I’m not a lawyer, but my understanding is that any fifth amendment issues could only be invoked if the person does not testify at all. The jury, as finders of fact, are thus free to make any inference from what is actually said.

From a practical standpoint, I don’t think it would be wise to try to do otherwise. How can you make them disregard the information, and how many people can actively disregard information they have? There’s just no way to enforce it.

12

Ancient thread, but whatever.

There are a couple of real transcripts done in dramatic and hilarious fashion:
What is a Photocopier? (actually a deposition)
State of Georgia Vs. Rick Allen (done in Rick and Morty style)

13

One courtroom funny that is at least presented as being true, concerns F.E. Smith. This site, for example, gives a source for it.

The story concerns Smith addressing the judge in great detail, and at great length, on a rather arcane point of law - which led, eventually, to this exchange:

Judge: I’ve listened to you for an hour and I’m none wiser.
Smith: None the wiser, perhaps, my lord but certainly better informed.

You kind of hope it really happened.

j

14

Loved this. I rarely laugh while perusing online, but I needed that. Thanks.

15

But that’s just it. There hasn’t been any information given, only lack of information, and I believe that juries are instructed NOT to take a defendant declining to take the stand or to answer specific questions as indicative of guilt or admission of anything.

Otherwise there wouldn’t be much point to “pleading the fifth”, if in so doing the prosecution could simply say, “well only a GUILTY PERSON would invoke the Fifth Amendment when I say <whatever the heck they want>”.

What is different here is that the defendant has selectively chosen to respond to questioning. I would think that still makes taking “negative inference” from declining to respond to the other questions off limits, but maybe it does not, since as you say, the person could have declined to respond altogether, but did not.

“Anything you say can and will be used against you” - which could include, saying yes to A but not to B, which includes having said nothing at all about B, even under cover of the Fifth Amendment? (This is where an actual lawyer type person might be helpful!)

16

It’s hard to parse without context, but generally speaking, when you plead the Fifth, that doesn’t mean you refuse to answer all questions, just questions that could possibly incriminate you. So in the example above, if it’s being asserted that the witness and defendant committed crimes in LA, NY, and Boston, but not in Chicago, and in fact they never went to Chicago, it would make sense to just answer that last question. And the fact-finder is not supposed to use your silence against you.

I think the funniest actual transcript I’ve seen in my practice involved a judge dismissing a case where the mom occasionally smoked a little weed but the kids were fine. (No juries in our court system; it’s all bench trials.) County counsel (prosecutor) was arguing back, pointing out that, your honor, it’s not just the mom; the aunt smokes too, and I think, wait…(flips through report)* I think the uncle*… and the judge cuts her off, exasperated, and says “Everyone smokes.” I have that page up on my bulletin board for when I need a laugh.

A lot of our trials involve no testimony because we have some unique hearsay rules that allow for all kinds of statements to come into evidence in the form of the social worker’s report. So another page up on my bulletin board details a conversation between a mother and her much smarter 7-year-old daughter. Mom says *come on, honey, we’re getting out of here, and I’m going to call Donald Trump and get him to shut this place (child welfare) down. *Daughter is already too wise in the ways of the world and protests, *but mom, Donald Trump is not a nice man! *

My other favorite report of all time wasn’t even a direct quote from a witness. Dad was a meth addict and Mom briefly dabbled in the stuff until child welfare got involved; then she realized what a dangerous game she was playing and swore off it immediately and, as far as I can tell, permanently. (Four years later, her case hasn’t come back.) The DI (dependency investigator, the social worker preparing the report for trial) interviewed the 4-year-old daughter. These interviews can sometimes be really sad. Some children are desperate for the social worker’s attention. Some children are too mature for their age, solemnly explaining that Mommy is sick and needs to learn how to do better. Not this kid. Mom’s foray into foolishness had apparently been too brief to affect her. “This DI attempted to inquire of Minor whether she knew what drugs were, whether she had smelled anything funny, or whether Mommy ever acted silly. However, the Minor was unable to answer this DI’s questions, as the Minor was too busy pretending to be a Ninja.”

17

We were asked during jury selection if we would think differently of the defendant if she chose not to testify and told that not testifying is her right. I think someone did say they would judge her for not testifying and they were dismissed.

18

Yes, if you are compelled to answer all questions truthfully, that’s your basic Star Chamber oath, which procedures I hope are not taken seriously by judges and juries these days.

19

As someone who elicits and hears testimony regularly, I assure you that what reads as funny in a transcript in relative isolation, are just examples of the pervasive incompetence and dishonesty one encounters on behalf of lawyers, parties, and witnesses.

I’ve got 6 hearings scheduled today. I guarantee you that by the end of the day, I could give you at least a couple of instances of: “You’ve GOT to be kidding me?” “Did you really ask that question?” “Do I look THAT stupid?!”

20

Years ago I spent quality time hanging out in a lawyer’s outer office. I read his magazines. One of them had a feature on the back page entitled “Stories from the Trenches” or somesuch.

Me: Did you see the accident?
Witness: Yes I did.
Me: Tell us about your background.
Witness: I retired from the police department after fourteen years as an accident investigator.

Other Lawyer: Where were you born?
Witness: The second moon of Pluto.

Lawyer had a case where an old man assaulted his landlord. The client mentions he served in the Battle of the Bulge. Turns out the Judge is a vet. He is a big fan of George Patton.

Me: Tell us about your background.
Client: Blah, blah, blah, Battle of the Bulge.
Judge: You fought in the Battle of the Bulge?
Client: Yes I did. It was horribly cold. I was wounded and almost died, that God I was captured and saved. Patton even visited the hospital while I was there.
Judge: What was your outfit?
Client: Das Riech Division.