Vigil (way TMI. not sexual)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Well.

My mother in law died June 18, last year. She was diagnosed with lung cancer May 9, though she refused to have tests done beyond the first. She was afraid she would die under anesthesia.

We got the call in the morning, while she could still talk- by the time we got there, she couldn’t talk anymore. Couldn’t move either, though at that point, she was still focusing. The hospice minister was there, and had said a prayer before, though she’d often said she wasn’t sure about God anymore. His sisters were there already (they lived nearer, and to be honest, we weren’t as fast as we could have been. He didn’t want to go- he knew what would be happening. Human nature.) So his sisters said she seemed more at peace.

Maybe I was projecting, but she didn’t. She couldn’t comment, though.

So hours pass. The literature we got from the hospice implied that death used to be something that people saw, were accustomed to, since it happened at home. How? Desensitization? It’s easier to cope with if you see and hear it? This is a good thing? To not feel horrible as you listen to someone struggle to breathe?

What do you do? Leave? You can’t, and still feel like a person, even if you don’t know if she knows you’re even there, even if you want to. Stay? Time stretches…just the sound of rattly breathing, because nobody feels like talking.

At the end- she stopped breathing, and his sisters started crying. I went over to him, he was standing where she could see him, and she jerked, then gasped. Stupid thought, hope, she’s still alive, they’re wrong! And then she stopped.

So. My mother has congestive heart failure, and her lungs keep filling up and she has to go to the hospital. Same kind of sound. It’s odd, how a sound can make you cringe- I keep having dreams that she’s his mom. For the record, it happens when she cheats on her salt, and she’s not in massive danger, just my connecting the two events.

Thanks for listening. I can’t really talk about it, it hurts the people around me, on either side.

2

Alatriel –

I am sorry. I certainly don’t have answers, but I share your questions. My younger brother died several years ago. He suffered a severe head injury and was kept on a respirator for three or four days until the doctors determined that his brain had ceased functioning. We had been visiting him daily while there was hope, but when it was time to remove him from the respirator I didn’t want to be present. My mother and sister were there, but I didn’t feel my presence would be helpful to my dying brother, to me, or to my mom and sister.

I’m not squeamish and I hold strong religious beliefs that are a great comfort when facing the death of a loved one, but “being there” was more than I felt I could handle. Others may feel differently, others may have had different experiences, but I still feel strongly that I made the right decision at the time.

The only other experience I’ve had that was remotely like yours (and it is very remote) was when I took my mother’s cat to the vet’s office to be euthanized. He was old and sick, and there was no doubt it was time for him to go. The vet asked if I’d like to be present. I was young. I thought I could be clinical about it. I wasn’t. The cat’s death was quick and utterly painless, but there was something about it that disturbed me, and in recollection is still disturbing.

So if the recollection of the death of a pet still makes me uneasy years later it is not surprising that reminders of the passing of your mother-in-law less than a year ago cause you to cringe, especially with the added association of your mother being involved.

If you want some free advice, I’d say to go ahead and talk to your husband about it. I know it was painful for him too, but if it was me, I’d rather my wife shared a painful feeling with me than suffer in silence. It’s surprising how two people can comfort each other just by sharing.

Best wishes,

Pluto

3

Alatriel,

I’m sorry that I took so long to open this. Now that I have, I wish that I had some piece of great advice to offer. I don’t though. I’ll just keep you in my prayers.

4

Alatariel-

I am so sorry. I don’t have any answers, either.

But…

Love doesn’t die. Not even if the person we love dies. And we all handle these things in the best way we can. Some people get angry, some get sad, some cry. There is no RIGHT way…just YOUR way.

You have my prayers, and my best hugs.

Scotti

5

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Scotticher *
Alatariel-

Add my condolences and prayers to the list. I too still remember my grandmother in the hopital listening to the fluid bubbling in her lungs.
Its a sound you never forget. <hug> Good luck to you and yours.

6

Alatriel, I’m so sorry. I went through this 12 years ago with my grandmother. I had to come home and go back to work, though, and she died the morning I left for home. I’m glad I wasn’t there. She wouldn’t have known either way, though, because the doctors said she had no higher level brain function left by then anyway.

Three years ago, we went through something very similar with my FIL. I was there when he died, but not in the same room (he died at home, as he wished.)

This is a hard thing to go through, and it is perfectly natural that you’re having an emotional reaction to that sound. It was horrible listening to the sound of the fluid building up in her lungs. My uncle is in the hospital dying now and I cringe to hear him trying to cough and clear his lungs.

If you want to, email me–if you want to really talk, let me know and I’ll give you my number.