And there-in lies the problem. The people in the party concerned were not all mutual friends although everyone, theoretically, was a friend of the BD girl. We know our friends and we know what to expect of them. What we don’t know is the mien of our friend’s friends. That’s where the rules of polite society come into play or not.
Based on the way the night played out the expectations of the “co-diners*” were not even close to being aligned. Those who arrived on time, dressed for the occasion were expecting the others to do the same. I have no idea what the expectations of the overly tardy were… In the best of my imaginings they realized they couldn’t actually afford dinner at the site chosen by BG, but were too embarrassed to bow out tactfully. This led to a very unsatisfactory, unfun, expensive evening out for St. A. and most likely BG herself**.
On the broader issue of “splitting checks”; we often go out with other couples who dine differently than we do. We usually have a cocktail before the meal and then order a bottle of wine. Most of our friends drink either beer, iced tea or soda. I do not feel comfortable “splitting” the check under these circumstances. The cost of our meal is quite often double that of our friends. Luckily we live in the mid-west where the first question asked by wait-staff is “Would you like separate checks?”
I’m not calling them guests because if they were guests then BG should have picked up the tab. BG essentially arranged to have dinner at the location of her choice and “invited” others to join her. Note; there is nothing inherently wrong with this and my friends and I do it all the time. However, we usually come to an agreement on a venue that we all feel comfortable with prior to going out.
** Damn, who wants to be dissed in front of everyone and the wait-staff by your friends on your birthday. How embarrassing is that?
*** Dangerosa, I promise not to wear the red one with purple parrots.
This sort of bullshit never happens when I’m out with friends. It happens when it’s a mixed group connected by mutual affiliations but when not everyone knows each other. I’ve had people heinously underpay and had to fork out twice what my own meal cost in order to cover tax and tip. Sometimes these people are just shit at math, and sometimes I’m sure they’re actively trying to take advantage. Either way, not cool. Never again-- I do what Chimera does, and I feel fine with it. I will put in more money if it turns out a server is getting shafted on the tip, but believe me, I’ll note who screwed up what, and will be careful if I ever dine with that person again to get separate checks.
I’m not sure, but I think if done in the restaurant, that’s an etiquette breach. However, I believe that Emily Post does say you can take them out to the parking lot and shake it out of them, but only if you have at least one uncle named “Vito.”
This actually shocked me, though I’m nominally from the Midwest (being a Chicagoan). That’s not a standard question around here, but when my cousin and I went on a road trip to Memphis last year, every single place we ate at, without exception, asked if we wanted separate checks. I had never noticed this before, but we both found it very odd, but in a good way.
Anyhow, my rule is, if you’ve never dined with others in the group before, you never ever split the check evenly, unless it’s somehow been agreed to by everyone at some point. Ask everyone to throw in what they think they owe. In my experience, this usually ends up with more money than is necessary including tax and tip. If not, you announce to the table that the check is short. At this point, usually people will contribute evenly to make up for the shortage. At no point should the last person holding the check be compelled to make up the difference. It’s not their responsibility.
The uncle, whatever his name is, should either be Sicilian or Sicilian American. I have three such uncles*, by the way, in case any of you try to stiff ME on a bill. Plus I have my father, who has rather firm ideas of etiquette.
It’s really a lot easier to settle up and fairer if everyone pays for their own, and these days, it’s not that much of a burden on the server. Probably I wouldn’t feel so strongly about this if I weren’t such a light drinker…I usually don’t drink any alcohol, and frequently I only drink water. And I’ve been stuck a few times, making up the bill when the drinkers have either left their wallets or cash at home.
*The uncles are real, though rather elderly. My Cousin Vinnie is and always has been only an injoke on the SDMB.
I have to say it seems a lot of people are hanging around and going to dinner too often with assholes. In my group of friends, and anyone they choose to bring, the check is always ALWAYS split by how much you owe. In our 15-20 years of doing this, we’ve never had anyone complain. Sure, sometimes the math is bad and we end up short, but then no one ever has any qualms about throwing in a few more bucks to cover it. Everyone does this, no one complains.
The OP’s problem could be rectified by simply leaving early. Some of us in the group have to go earlier than others, some come from further places, and others are just late often. We generally try to stick together, but its no etiquette breach if somebody leaves early. I’ve done it and everyone just smiles and says bye.