I have zero hospice experience. The woman who is the patient has been a member of our church longer than I’ve been alive. She’s always been very private and won’t want a fuss. I’m going to take her a small flower arrangement.
I’m wondering though if there’s something I could take her husband and daughters
who will, I’m sure not be leaving there. They live about an hour’s drive from the facility. I imagine that hospice is set up better for family than a hospital, but have no confirmation of that. Are they likely to be eating out of vending machines?
Some fresh snacks? New magazines?
I know nothing I can buy at Target can make this time fun for them, but is there some small thing that would make it more comfortable?
My experience with Hospice facilities is that they have a kitchen area where families can store and prepare their own food. Often church groups or other volunteer/charitable groups make it a project to come in and cook for the families of the Hospice patients. It is a wonderful facility and project for those who wish to help others.
That said, some simple food that they could eat and store in this kitchen area would probably be welcome. People seem to like it when I make a loaf of homemade bread and cut it into small pieces, like four thick pieces per slice. The most popular loaf I’ve made has dried cranberries or other fruit in it, so it’s sort of like a muffin but not as sweet. I have brought a container of cinnamon butter that I whipped up, and some plastic knives in a ziplock.
Another idea might be a CD of some soothing music, if you think they might have a player there. If you don’t know them well, an arrangement, perhaps a card and simply your presence, showing that you care, is a great gift that you can give.
I made a portable garden for my cousin, and he loved it.
It was just a cardboard box covered in brown paper, holding 8 small pots of brightly coloured flowers.
It was small enough to have in his room, and easy to water.
He really liked the idea of having something alive and growing near him. Being bed-ridden, he found it a very soothing thing to look at, and watching buds slowly bloom gave him a lot of pleasure.
My wife worked at a hospice house near Edwardsville, Illinois for over a year. From what I gather, just showing up and being good company for the hospice resident is usually appreciated greatly.
As far as the family members, if you have their phone number, see if you can bring them lunch or something.
This is more moving that I could have thought. When bedridden with little to do with your mind except witness the minutes as they tick by, the idea of watching flowers bloom is sweet and sad. You lay there. You literally glance over every few moments- and in doing so as the hours slowly pass by, watch the plants flower.
Families sitting with dying relatives are terrible at taking care of themselves*. So good nourishing food, sandwiches, or muffins, some fruit or fruit salad are wonderful ideas. Also maybe some magazines or puzzle books. If there are small children colouring books and crayons or small quiet toys would be a welcome respite for them. Actually if there are small children, taking them to a park for a while, or sitting with the patient while the family takes a break is an enormous gift.
Just coming will brighten the family’s day somewhat.
*said as both a nurse who works with seniors and as someone who lost 2 grandfathers in two weeks and had spent the entire summer shuttling grandmothers back and forth to visit.
Thanks for the very kind words there, Cartooniverse. I miss him. Remembering his garden had me blink back the tears, and your post was like a lovely arm around my shoulder.
Just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated that.
I don’t have any experience with hospice either. But I’m wondering, if the person is awake, aware and communicative, if maybe bringing family pictures (or in the case of non-family, other old pictures) that they might help to identify people in them? Is that insensitive? Or maybe come in with a microphone and ask them to recount stories and old memories.
I don’t know that this is appropriate for a visiting acquaintance, but Munch’s post reminded me of a school project: the kids identified a terminally ill patient and asked that she do that very thing — record memories of her life and messages for all the people she loved before she died. The kids did it as a technical project; they learned to record video and sound, and then edited it into a keepsake piece. They were young students, fifth or sixth grade. The teacher told me the family was incredibly touched by this project and the patient herself was grateful she was able to do it.
Ellen, if I may? This goes well beyond Hospice. EVERYONE who is elderly is filled with memories. So few of us ask them to tell the stories. To recount the minutae that defined the 2 generations back from ours.
Get your kids to sit with their iPhone or recorder and a camera. They should write out their own questions as well as be fed some “ringers” ( They wouldn’t know to ask the question that prompts the favorite story about Grandfather Joe wearing bright peach socks to his wedding, etc. ).
Show them photos. Ask who people are. Remind them that they are still INVOLVED in the family. Hospice is a good time to step in and do this but IMHO, any day is a good day to remind the older generation of their deep relevance in our lives.
Homemade soup, with bakery fresh rolls, some sweets for after! Take it in the pot and put it on to warm when you arrive, don’t ask, just do it! ( Even people who ‘don’t feel to eat’ when experiencing heavy stress, can be lured, by enticing aroma, into a bowl of soup!)
Burn a cd of old timey music that will get everyone up and waltzing in the sick room. Put it on, turn it up a titch, get them up and dancing. They will smile and dance and have joy hopefully!
Now serve the soup, break bread together. (Include everyone even hospice staff)
For me it is the simplest things that bring authenticity to charged moments.
Yes. Something easy to eat. When we were sitting with dad we had forgotten to eat and a friend spontaneously brought a light lunch. None of us had realized how hungry we were.
It’s already been said here, but when you get there you will probably notice some simple tasks you can do to make things easier for them.
Thanks everyone. After reading your thoughts I remembered that my sister mentioned that when she was with her mother-in-law helping her arrange her father-in-law’s funeral that they really appreciated the food people brought that didn’t need any prep - cut fruit and vegetables so I went that route.
When I arrived there was a family at the desk reporting that their bag of groceries had been taken from the fridge. I mean, just uggh.
The woman who is the patient was not awake when I went, and I got the sense that she isn’t usually. Besides acknowledging her, I want to make sure her daughters feel supported because all their energy is focused on their parents.
Taking care of the caretakers is just as important as taking care of the patients. So often the people doing the heavy lifting are forgotten. If the patient isn’t awake take care of the family.
My sister is a hospice director and frequently says hospice can often be more about taking care of the family and friends than taking care of the dying person. (Of course, they do take care of the dying, but that doesn’t always require much)
I was gazing at the fish on my counter top last night and wondered if a goldfish would be a welcome little piece of life to gaze upon for the bedridden person. JerrySTL do you by chance know if they’re permitted.
My husband was severely ill last year (I may have mentioned it here once or twice … ) and spent months in the hospital. He wasn’t in hospice, and I realize that’s a significant difference, but I mentioned this thread to him anyway and asked what he had wanted us to bring him.
His response?
“FRIED CHICKEN!”
Anyway, bringing the family a nice lunch and/or treating them to a meal out is a good idea - people really do forget to care for themselves or, worse, are so caught up in the situation that they don’t care about taking care of themselves.
My best to her, and to her family, and you’re a good person to go and visit.
) and spent months in the hospital. He wasn’t in hospice, and I realize that’s a significant difference, but I mentioned this thread to him anyway and asked what he had wanted us to bring him.