Vote here: Least useful, most idiotic Martha Stewart homemaking tip...

[Duck_Duck_Goose]

Well, here’s a link to the pro-Martha Stewart thread.

But I’m sorry, DustMagnate, she’s just–drivin’–

–me–

CRAZY!!

I’m passing over the fairly routine Martys, like “Frame and hang wallpaper samples on your wall!” and “Make extra pieces of luggage into nifty end tables!”

But every so often she takes a quantum leap forward into the Weirdness Zone, and on those occasions, since I read her column in the Sunday morning paper, I frequently amuse my family by fulminating helplessly in the car all the way to church.

Last Christmas, I thought she had reached the Ultimate. She wanted me to make pinecone topiaries and put them in my windowboxes. (It’s winter, Martha, the windowboxes are SUPPOSED to be empty.)

http://www.ohio.com/lawn_garden/news/docs/018582.htm

Pinecone topiaries
A row of lollipop-shaped topiary trees can make a fun, seasonal display in a long window box. Construct them from Styrofoam balls (8- and 10-inch balls are ideal for most displays) and use birch posts to serve as trunks.

To make, cut a small hole in each ball, scooping out some of the foam to make room for the trunk. Next, lay a piece of sheet moss over the ball, and wrap floral wire tightly around it to secure. Cut the wire periodically as you work, twisting the cut ends and pushing them into the Styrofoam.

Cover the entire ball with moss, leaving the hole for the trunk exposed, then work the birch pole snugly into place. Use a hot-glue gun to attach miniature pine cones to the moss in a decorative pattern. Secure the completed topiaries in a base of dry floral foam cut to fit the interior of the window box, and camouflage the foam with a mulch of pine cones.

I thought that was pretty much the nadir of her gonzo homemaking tips. Talk about makework! She goes out and manufactures needs, and then fills them. “Oh!” she says, “Those window boxes look empty with no flowers in them. I’ll sit here and think of some incredibly complex arts ‘n’ crafts thingie that I can do!” I know Type A personalities like this IRL, and they just make me tired all over, you know?

But now she has finally topped herself. Now she notices that the bottoms of her dresser drawers look so plain, I mean, just that bare wood, it’s so, so, un-fiddled with. And not content to just go down to K-Mart and get some drawer paper, she has to make it into this incredibly complex arts ‘n’ crafts thingie.

http://www.ohio.com/home_garden/news/docs/003363.htm

Line the bottoms of drawers with printed fabric or velvet: First, cut a rectangle of thin chipboard or particleboard to fit the drawer (or ask the hardware store to cut it for you). Cut a piece of fabric 2 inches longer on each side than the board. Fold the edges over the board and secure them to the back with glue. If the fabric is bulky, you may need to clip it at the corners so it lies flat.
Glue ribbon tabs to each end of the board so you can easily lift out the insert for cleaning – or to make it easy to change the look of the space again someday.

Not if I see you coming first, babe.

Go have a look and see if you can find anything that tops this.

http://www.marthastewart.com/index.asp

Eep.

[bup]

I didn’t follow the link, but one time on her tv show
was a segment on making a ribbon dispenser.

Bunch of spools of ribbon on a dowel mounted in a box, with
slits for each ribbon feed to come out, constructed in such
a way that you could never replace empty spools…

[hazel-rah]

“Tune in next week?”

-fh

[hardygrrl]

I’m still waiting for Martha Stewart’s How to Make A Personalized Crack Pipe and How to Weave Your Very Own Auto-Erotic Harness…then I’ll tune in.

BTW-if you had a full staff of maids,assistants,lackeys,peons etc you’d have time to come up and implement all her ideas.

[Guinastasia]

The only way the drawer thing would be good is if you have an old dresser and the inside isn’t sanded, so putting cloth down might stop sweaters from being snagged. Of course, I’d just throw an old sheet in there.

ON this other show, Next Door with Katie Brown on Lifetime (yak, I know, but I was waiting for Designing Women to come on), she showed this really kinda neat thing-take oranges, hollow them out, and use them as ice tea cups. THAT would be neat, and probably tasty.

Sorry, couldn’t access the website, dammit!

[Guinastasia]

Sorry to double post, I just got in.

BUTTON NAPKIN RINGS

                         Stray buttons needn’t be consigned to
                         the bottom of the sewing kit—a colorful
                         assortment of these tiny fasteners can
                         be used to perk up a table setting. To
                         turn a cluster of Bakelite buttons into an
                         eye-catching napkin ring, cut a
                         6-inch-long piece of 1 1/4-inch-wide
                         elastic. Hand-stitch the ends together,
                         and sew on enough buttons to
                         completely cover the elastic.

Does anyone else think they would come out looking incredibly tacky?

ODDS AND ENDS SHADE PULLS

                         Don’t relegate that favorite thing to the
                         back of a drawer; create a shade pull
                         out of it. Use a bead or a seashell, wrap
                         a plain metal washer with colored twine,
                         or attach a screw eye to the top of an
                         alphabet block. Use hot glue to attach
                         ribbon to shell. Thread twine or ribbon
                         through screw eye or hole in object;
                         knot ends. Thread knot through
                         grommet on bottom of shade so loop
                         forms at back; feed attached object
                         through loop; pull to tighten. If using

wide ribbon or twine, there’s no need to form loop. Thread strand through
grommet hole; tie in large knot to secure.

Oh great! In my house this would translate to “Toys for Misty and Noel.” (for those of you who are new, my cats).

SCISSOR HANDLE WRAP

                         To get a better grip on scissors and
                         garden shears, wrap their handles with
                         soft linen-and-cotton twine. Roll 5 feet of
                         twine into a bundle small enough to
                         pass through the finger holes. Beginning
                         at the base of one handle, secure the
                         free end of the twine with your thumb,
                         and loop it around the handle; pass the
                         bundle back through the loop, and pull
                         tight to create a half-hitch knot.
                         Continue around the handle, aligning the
                         knots to form a herringbone pattern
                         around the handle’s outer edge.

bangs head against table repeatedly

                         BOWSALLOVER PACKAGES

                         With dainty bows on every side, a gift is
                         that much more fun and inviting—from
                         any angle. Start by wrapping ribbon
                         around gift box; tie it in a small bow on
                         top. Wrap another length of ribbon
                         horizontally around box; tie bow where it
                         intersects vertical ribbon on one side.
                         Use three separate short lengths of
                         ribbon to tie bows at ribbon
                         intersections on remaining three sides.

Just to see it torn to shreds by an eager child? Just pin already made ribbons, you anal harpy!!!

TWIG COASTERS

                         These coasters look like rafts afloat a
                         tabletop. For each coaster, gather 22
                         small, straight twigs, and trim them to a
                         length of 5 inches. Double a length of
                         waxed twine, loop center an inch from
                         the end of first twig, and tie once. Tie
                         twine around remaining twigs, one by
                         one. Tie knot at end; cut twine close to
                         knot. Repeat on other side.

Um, you’d probably end up with maggots and tentworms in your house, like the time I decided to collect buckeyes and acorns and put them in a little basket in my living room. Well, I guess you could wash them. But then, wouldn’t they break easily?

GREEN GRASS IN EGGCUP

                         Celebrate spring by decorating your
                         breakfast egg cup with fresh blades of
                         grass. Simply place a few green leaves
                         around the edges of the cup before the
                         egg. Breakfast becomes a spring
                         surprise.

Yeah, I’ll just go out in the morning, walk through the damp grass, and put some blades of grass that likely has dog piss on it in the egg dishes. Uh huh.

[TVeblen]

*Originally posted by Guinastasia *
**The only way the drawer thing would be good is if you have an old dresser and the inside isn’t sanded, so putting cloth down might stop sweaters from being snagged. Of course, I’d just throw an old sheet in there.
**

The drawer thing boggled even my Martha-loathing mind. There’s this nifty, inexpensive little item that’s been around for blasted decades: liner paper! Cut it to fit and you’re good to go. When the urge to clean/reoganize the drawer hits, you empty out the drawer, wad up the liner and throw it away, vacuum well and put in new paper.

The designer fabric glued on removable board–with decorative ribbons of course–sounds like a dust and lint catcher, and impossible to clean well. What a stupid, pretentious and frankly yucky idea!

Veb

[Green_Bean]

I dunno. The one where she suggested taking old tin cans, tying ribbons on them, putting flowers in them, and hanging them from the doorknobs was pretty good.

[Biggirl]

My 13 year old daughter’s impersonation of Martha Stewart: “Today we are going to make a garage out of milk containers! It’ll be fun and look great by your circular driveway.”

[OpalCat]

:::city-raised desert rat here:::

What is a window box?

[OrcaChow]

Martha’s probably giving herself a coronary from laughing so hard the power of suggestion. She could tell someone to stick a feather-duster up their ass and climb up on the dinner table as a Thanksgiving centerpiece, and some shithead would do it.

She probably has several decks of cards from which she comes up with these bullshit ideas.

Card deck A: Various pieces of garbage.
Card deck B: Common household items.
Card deck C: Various household locations and body parts.
Card deck D: Names of holidays.

“Take some <draw from Deck A> and hot-melt glue it to <draw from Deck B>, then stick it on <draw from Deck C> to make a wonderful <draw from Deck D> decoration!”

[flodnak]

I swear I remember seeing some sort of “answering reader’s questions” article where Martha was asked what to do with that unattractive dishwashing liquid bottle. Traditional cozies, the reader said, were just soooo tacky. (Well, I can agree with her there…) Martha recommended transferring the dishwashing liquid into an “attractive cut glass decanter”.

For the love of… What do these women think the cabinet under the sink is for?!

[OrcaChow]

For the love of… What do these women think the cabinet under the sink is for?!

That’s where the Stepford wife hides the corpse of the original.

[Rosebud]

I don’t know about idoitic tips, but I found her topless Christmas special quite entertaining.

[Rosebud]

Sigh… that would be “idiotic.”

::bangs head into desk::

[lolagranola]

Actually, I can’t even look at her now without picturing her doing the show topless. Damn Christmas special.
snicker

[QuickSilver]

I hear she is coming out with a segment on “How to stencil your driveway”, followed by, “How to make your own dirt”.

[The_Mermaid]

*Originally posted by flodnak *
**I swear I remember seeing some sort of “answering reader’s questions” article where Martha was asked what to do with that unattractive dishwashing liquid bottle. Traditional cozies, the reader said, were just soooo tacky. (Well, I can agree with her there…) Martha recommended transferring the dishwashing liquid into an “attractive cut glass decanter”.
**

Well, since you asked. I usually put my dishwashing liquid in a lotion-type dispenser bottle–this kind you can get in the bath accesories department. I started doing this to keep my kids from pouring half a bottle of soap into the dishwater.

I save the cut glass decanter for my mouthwash–you know those bottles are so tacky.

:D&R:

The episode that did it for me was the one that recommended saving the hair from brushing or clipping your dogs and have it spun into a yarn that you can knit into a sweater. This way you can match your precious pooch and will have a lifetime reminder of pups who have passed on.

[The_Mermaid]

Damn Smilies

[Sue_Duhnym]

My beef with Martha is the inane, over-priced items in her catalog (I seem to get one every week). Here is a great example:

http://www.marthabymail.com/mbm/product.asp?pfam_id=886&dept_id=140&main_dept=8&start_product=8

$52 for a travel sewing kit…f-ing ridiculous!

Andygirl, get on those Altoids sewing kits, you’ll make a fortune! Make sure you line the tins with silk you weave yourself from the silkworms you raise in your dorm closet, though!

:rolleyes: