I’m passing over the fairly routine Martys, like “Frame and hang wallpaper samples on your wall!” and “Make extra pieces of luggage into nifty end tables!”
But every so often she takes a quantum leap forward into the Weirdness Zone, and on those occasions, since I read her column in the Sunday morning paper, I frequently amuse my family by fulminating helplessly in the car all the way to church.
Last Christmas, I thought she had reached the Ultimate. She wanted me to make pinecone topiaries and put them in my windowboxes. (It’s winter, Martha, the windowboxes are SUPPOSED to be empty.)
I thought that was pretty much the nadir of her gonzo homemaking tips. Talk about makework! She goes out and manufactures needs, and then fills them. “Oh!” she says, “Those window boxes look empty with no flowers in them. I’ll sit here and think of some incredibly complex arts ‘n’ crafts thingie that I can do!” I know Type A personalities like this IRL, and they just make me tired all over, you know?
But now she has finally topped herself. Now she notices that the bottoms of her dresser drawers look so plain, I mean, just that bare wood, it’s so, so, un-fiddled with. And not content to just go down to K-Mart and get some drawer paper, she has to make it into this incredibly complex arts ‘n’ crafts thingie.
The only way the drawer thing would be good is if you have an old dresser and the inside isn’t sanded, so putting cloth down might stop sweaters from being snagged. Of course, I’d just throw an old sheet in there.
ON this other show, Next Door with Katie Brown on Lifetime (yak, I know, but I was waiting for Designing Women to come on), she showed this really kinda neat thing-take oranges, hollow them out, and use them as ice tea cups. THAT would be neat, and probably tasty.
Does anyone else think they would come out looking incredibly tacky?
Oh great! In my house this would translate to “Toys for Misty and Noel.” (for those of you who are new, my cats).
bangs head against table repeatedly
Just to see it torn to shreds by an eager child? Just pin already made ribbons, you anal harpy!!!
Um, you’d probably end up with maggots and tentworms in your house, like the time I decided to collect buckeyes and acorns and put them in a little basket in my living room. Well, I guess you could wash them. But then, wouldn’t they break easily?
Yeah, I’ll just go out in the morning, walk through the damp grass, and put some blades of grass that likely has dog piss on it in the egg dishes. Uh huh.
The drawer thing boggled even my Martha-loathing mind. There’s this nifty, inexpensive little item that’s been around for blasted decades: liner paper! Cut it to fit and you’re good to go. When the urge to clean/reoganize the drawer hits, you empty out the drawer, wad up the liner and throw it away, vacuum well and put in new paper.
The designer fabric glued on removable board–with decorative ribbons of course–sounds like a dust and lint catcher, and impossible to clean well. What a stupid, pretentious and frankly yucky idea!
Martha’s probably giving herself a coronary from laughing so hard the power of suggestion. She could tell someone to stick a feather-duster up their ass and climb up on the dinner table as a Thanksgiving centerpiece, and some shithead would do it.
She probably has several decks of cards from which she comes up with these bullshit ideas.
Card deck A: Various pieces of garbage.
Card deck B: Common household items.
Card deck C: Various household locations and body parts.
Card deck D: Names of holidays.
“Take some <draw from Deck A> and hot-melt glue it to <draw from Deck B>, then stick it on <draw from Deck C> to make a wonderful <draw from Deck D> decoration!”
I swear I remember seeing some sort of “answering reader’s questions” article where Martha was asked what to do with that unattractive dishwashing liquid bottle. Traditional cozies, the reader said, were just soooo tacky. (Well, I can agree with her there…) Martha recommended transferring the dishwashing liquid into an “attractive cut glass decanter”.
For the love of… What do these women think the cabinet under the sink is for?!
Well, since you asked. I usually put my dishwashing liquid in a lotion-type dispenser bottle–this kind you can get in the bath accesories department. I started doing this to keep my kids from pouring half a bottle of soap into the dishwater.
I save the cut glass decanter for my mouthwash–you know those bottles are so tacky.
The episode that did it for me was the one that recommended saving the hair from brushing or clipping your dogs and have it spun into a yarn that you can knit into a sweater. This way you can match your precious pooch and will have a lifetime reminder of pups who have passed on.