Congratulations, Savannah! That was an excellent story–well done!
Thank you!
And thank you to everyone who read, commented, voted or did all three!
Thank you to Le Ministre de l’au-delà for all the work involved in the contests.
I am now working on a piece of erotica that features both a werewolf and a toaster.
You really misread that.
Yeesh, editors!
Well, now, I did send you an e-mail on July 12th asking if you objected to the title and wanted me to change it; I never did get a reply.
Yeesh, writers!
Congratulations, Savannah, it was a lovely story! I look forward to the werewolf/toaster followup.
Congrats Savannah!
I very much liked your story and voted for it - reminded me of a very true story of someone I know who actually had a cabin way up north in Canada where she would go with her husband and kids and grandkids. In a thread a few years ago, I told the story how she and her husband bought the cabin shortly after they were married, and she lost her wedding ring while picking blueberries that first season up there.
Fast forward 40 years or so, and her granddaughter came into the cabin one summer day and said, “Look what I found grandma!” and it was the wedding ring she had lost all those years ago.
At any rate, yours was a very evocative story that hit all the right notes - nice work!
And thanks again to Le Ministre de l’au-delà for putting this together!
Okay, as promised, some comments on my own story, “Reflections in the Water.”
I’ll begin by saying that “Reflections” was somewhat experimental for me. As participants and readers might recall from past contests, my stories tend to be heavy on dialogue. “Reflections” had none; the closest it came to any kind of speech was one line of interior monologue, and that was in parentheses.
I find dialogue very easy to write; the challenge for me lies in writing description. I wanted to create a story with one single character–anybody else in the story would not be present, and all the reader would know about them would be dependent upon the memory of the main character. Likewise, all places and events would be recalled similarly. Through description, I hoped to take the reader from not knowing the main character at all, to knowing a great deal about him and his family, and the places and events that impacted his life. I’m unsure if I managed this, however.
I did want to create a sense of quiet melancholy, and I think I succeeded with that goal; but where I was lacking, I think, was in some kind of hook that better grabbed the reader and drew him or her in. Here was where Savannah’s “The Summer Place” really shone–her list of things to do, placed so early it was outside the spoiler box, and going from important business (“sell second car”) to comparatively banal (“eat watermelon”) in only five items, did a great job of dragging the reader into the story. It sure did to me, anyway.
Still, I did achieve another goal, and jackdavinci confirmed that for me:
Excellent question, and one that I was hoping readers would ask themselves. I wanted the reader to wonder about that, and writing so ambiguously that the question arose was another challenge I set myself. I seem to have succeeded here–thanks, Jack! As for the answer to Jack’s question; well, I’ll leave that for individual readers to decide for themselves.
And though I should have done it earlier, many thanks to Le Ministre for organizing and running the contest!
For me, anyway, the suicide seemed pretty unambiguous on the first reading. I just re-read those last lines, though, and you’re right–it could definitely go either way.
Oh, as for me, I’m curious if anyone spotted (or suspected) the setting of my story, which was actually in another piece of fiction I’d finished re-reading when I was writing it.
Cat’s Cradle, by Kurt Vonnegut
I wanted it to be the sort of thing someone who was familiar with the other book could guess, while still being able to stand on its own.
I’ve never read Cat’s Cradle, so I can attest to the fact that it can stand on its own. As I said before–well done!
I’ve read it, but didn’t even occur to me. I guess because the ice forms at room temperature, I don’t think of it as “winter” despite the ice. Also, perhaps because winter makes me think more of snow than ice. Knowing the intent does make the story take on new meaning for me, so thanks for that reveal.
It seems a lot of people were confused by my story. I’m wondering if I could get more feedback on that. Was it just about the nature of the holiday? I intentionally left the reveal of that mysterious to create suspense. Or was it something else? I thought the basic plot of two teens hanging out on a beach during a holiday was fairly straight forward.
Also, I thought this story was better than my last entry but I got a lot less votes. What would have improved my story enough to get your vote? Or were people just voting for one story only this time?
Since you specifically asked: I didn’t find your story confusing at all. I thought the premise was interesting. The improvements that would have pushed me to vote for it were all in the actual execution.
I realize we were working under a time constraint, but the story really could have used a proofread for things like capitalization and punctuation–for me, that’s always jarring. The dialogue often sounded unnatural, either not like teenagers or too heavy-handed with the exposition of The World of the Future ™. (Writing good dialogue is something I really suck at myself–you’ll note that my story didn’t have any. :D)
Basically, it’s all stuff that’s fixable with more time to edit and probably another set of eyes on your work to give you feedback.
It is, and I understood that part, but other elements in the story confused me. To me, anyway, they weren’t explained, and it was almost as if you expected us to know what they were. Examples would include the Omnicom (though that became clear from context), being a legacy of The Wonders (have our traditional geopolitical boundaries been replaced by things such as The Lighthouse and The Garden, and do the descendants of the founders have some sort of special status?), the transit beam (suddenly, the story becomes science fiction?), and an astronaut. The ending left me confused too: “the beginning of a new hope, and a new ray of light for world.” Why did the world need one?
It seemed to me that you were trying to blend two stories into one: (a), a story about a celebration that thousands are attending, and two teens who are there to join in; and (b), a story about celebrating the arrival of someone who will save the planet or humankind or both, as witnessed by two teens.
I think if you had taken either of these approaches, things might have worked better. With approach (a), you could have your two teens, looking forward to the destruction of the lighthouse by conventional explosives as the climax of a fireworks show (perhaps to make room for expansion of the harbour, or another similarly logical and mundane reason), and falling in love at the end. Or, with approach (b), you could set out the reason for the destruction of the lighthouse by a transit beam (I don’t know–something like, Earth can no longer feed itself, so an alien civilization will send us the technology, and the people to operate it, that can), why the lighthouse is the spot where this will occur, and the celebration of the arrival of Earth’s last hope as seen by two teens on the beach. Certain elements could overlap–for example, the teens can still enjoy their sparklers and liquor, and fall in love, in both cases–but it seems to me that by choosing one approach, you would rid yourself of the need to include necessary elements of the other, thus having enough room to more fully explain the elements of the one you chose.
I hope this doesn’t seem harsh, Jack, but I was attempting to answer your question. And of course, these are only my impressions; other may answer the question differently.
You didn’t ask, but I’ll offer a hint anyway. Maybe somebody will find it useful.
I’ve been complimented before on my dialogue skills, both on- and off-board, and asked how I manage to write it so it sounds as natural as it does. My answer always boils down to two things: (a), listening to people; and (b), writing the familiar.
“Listening to people” means actively listening to people in all kinds of situations. This is not eavesdropping; you really don’t care what is being discussed, and you certainly don’t plan to join in. But look, recognize, and understand the relationship between the people (husband-wife, two people on a first date, father-child, two guys who have known each other forever, etc.) and the situation they find themselves in (delayed in an airport departure lounge, discussing the game in a sports bar, around the family dinner table, etc.); and listen. What are they talking about? Are they arguing, gossiping, agreeing, playfully insulting, or snarking at each other? How are they doing it? What words are they using, what syntax are they creating?
One caveat though: practice your listening in person. Listen to what you can in the places you find yourself. Do not try to practice listening from media such as the TV–somebody wrote that dialogue in such a way as to get a laugh, or build suspense, or whatever; but the real world has far fewer doofus husbands, wisecracking kids, genius wives, and brilliant detectives. Listen to real people in the real world, and you’ll hear real dialogue; the style of which you can recall and use later.
And write the familiar, especially if you’re unsure about your dialogue-writing skills. If you’ve listened to people in coffee shops and bars, then set your stories in coffee shops and bars, where you can recall and style your dialogue to what you’ve heard in those settings. Of course, nobody lives their life solely in coffee shops and bars, so you will have other settings you have experienced and can use; but the point is, unless you have spent a significant amount of time listening to the conversation in (say) an English drawing room in Victorian times, don’t set your story in an English drawing room in Victorian times–the dialogue simply will not sound like it belongs.
Of course, researching and reading stories in those settings (and paying careful attention to the dialogue) will help your dialogue skills in similar settings. Here is where you can get into genres: if you’re a fan of mysteries, and you’ve read them enough, you can have a crack at writing something similar–but don’t confuse your “Agatha Christie” mystery story dialogue with your “Raymond Chandler” mystery story dialogue. Both wrote mysteries, but their dialogue was vastly different. At any rate, the same applies to science fiction stories, westerns, horror, and other genres containg situations that we don’t often find ourselves in. You should have read a lot of the genre if you’re going to write dialogue in a story belonging to that genre–but if you have read enough of that genre, you are indeed, “writing the familiar.”
One more thing: be patient. Listening, especially, is something that you should do over time–preferably, a long period of time. Listening to one conversation between two strangers killing time in a Greyhound bus terminal won’t make you a good writer of dialogue if your story concerns a family visiting the zoo. You need to listen to thousands of conversations in hundreds of situations and settings–of course, as an adult, you probably already have, but you need to recall them. And take time to practice writing dialogue also. Bouncing it off somebody is great, but even if you don’t want to do that, practice anyway. Again, it will take time, but you will improve.
Just some tips. Hope they’re useful to somebody!
Spoons, the elements you list as confusingin jackdavinci’s story are ones that I immediately understood. I’m curious if it’s a function of the kinds of fiction we’ve read. I’ve been reading sci-fi since I was a little kid; is that a genre you’ve read a lot of, or no?
I agree with Spoons. The theme of the boys and the holiday kiss being boardcast I got, but I had to read twice to even begin to grasp what was going on besides that. Even after reading it twice, I’m still not entirely sure what everyone was gathered to see.
You may be onto something, when you say that you’re curious if it’s a function of what fiction we read. I don’t read science fiction at all, so unless it is written for the layperson (lacking any better way to state it), science fiction is very likely to leave me confused.
I have read some science fiction in my life, certainly; and I recall devouring authors like Ray Bradbury, Arthur C. Clarke, and Robert Silverberg in my youth. But that was many years ago, and I’ve lost interest in reading science fiction ever since. Anyway, like I said, you may be right that we understand more when its a genre we’re familiar with.
That could very well be it. For example, “Omnicom” to me was very clearly some sort of communication device.
Finally got around to reading this evening… :o Yeah, yeah, I know, but I did get to it! So…
The end of the lighthouse
Some interesting stuff here, but it didn’t quite gel for me. I was never quite clear on where I was or exactly what kind of plotline it was. I couldn’t really picture what the ruins of the Lighthouse were like, either. The historic kiss between the boys was nice, though.
Working on those kilos
Very sweet, I liked it a lot. The only thing I can suggest for improvement is better telegraphing of when you’re moving between the flashbacks of the past and the present of the story.
Reflections in the water
OHH so bittersweet, but also a great, moving read! Thank you very much!
Night on earth
Very interesting. This might be reading against the grain, but I was wondering all the way through if Beck was really delusional. Even the brief references at the end to commotion didn’t seem too clear to me - Beck interprets them as people having rediscovered Shiva and panicking, but there could be lots of other explanations, including harmless ones.
2P
Again, a really great little tale. I was flinching through the initial build-up to the moment of humiliation, and cringed when you described it in such great detail. But the conclusion with the protagonist taking that bad publicity and making something good of it was a little inspiring.
Waiting tiger
This feels like it could be expanded it something longer very well, but it’s interesting as a vignette - I wasn’t sure if I could identify with the protagonist at first, but he won me over, and I liked the ending.
Pinky
I wanted to like this story, but I didn’t understand enough of what was going on. Who were these people, why were they hiding from armed people in a cabin with a well out back, and how do her fingers grant her wishes? Did she use her last wish at the end of the story and if so - what for?
Independence day
Again, interesting, but I was haunted by questions, and not in a particularly good way. Were the funnels outside tornado funnels? If so, what did they signify - the end of the world in a freak weather event? The bit about counting down the week through the strawberries to the last one was good though.
The Summer Place
Okay, I can see why this won. Very honest emotion, in a cathartic pattern but not too melodramatic. Well done!
Sugar-free
Another really sweet story with a fun twist at the end. I’ve just cut down on my daily calorie level a few days ago, so I can relate to the protagonist.
Payback
Umm… what just happened here? :-o
So, if the poll were still open… (yeah, right!) I’d be voting for:
Reflections in the water
2P
The Summer Place
Sugar-free
And also want to send out honorable mentions to:
Working on those kilos,
Night on Earth, and
Waiting tiger
And - if any of the participants are interested in getting a more in-depth critique with a view towards revising their story, PM me on the board. I might not be able to get to it right away, but I’d be happy to help.
“And - if any of the participants are interested in getting a more in-depth critique with a view towards revising their story, PM me on the board. I might not be able to get to it right away, but I’d be happy to help.”
I’ll bite! But no rush. I PMd you but I’m making an open post out of curiosity.
My story was the Lighthouse one. I had asked for other critiques and I think you can see what some of the issues were. I want to thank everyone who commented, becase it’s a lot of food for thought, even though I got some contradictory information:
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Some thought I had very realistic dialogue and some thought I had very unrealistic dialogue. Not sure how to reconcile that LOL. FWIW, maybe it’s a regional thing. The dialogue was pretty much how I speak, but I realize I’m not “typical”.
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Some people were a little confused about what was going on, although people that were used to sci-fi stories didn’t seem to have this issue. Maybe I should chalk that up to demographics, but I’d be interested to know what would make it less confusing for “regular” readers. Also, if there was anything other than the sci-fi elements that were confusing I’d like to know what/why.
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In particular, I’m worried that my intention (create suspense) ended up causing some of the confusion. For example, I purposely didn’t reveal the nature of the holiday until halfway through, to create anticipation about it. If this is true, well, I’m at a loss. How does one make the reader realize that information is being used as a carrot rather than being buried?
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I realize there were some basic editing issues. I had done one or two editing passes for basic spelling/grammar/errors, but my story was over the limit so I had to cut out some stuff, and I didn’t realize that this created new errors. So I’m not really worried about that sort of thing, which is a result solely of the time and word limit.