Yes, it was a line of tornados that stretched across the entire horizon. (Sorry if I had you picturing, like, cooking funnels.) And bingo on the end of the world–although devoid of context it could certainly be considered a freak weather event, the story was (in my mind) set inside the world of Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle. This was the storm that arose as all the water in the world was locked up as ice-nine.
There were two things that made your dialogue, to me, sound unrealistic at times, and neither of them were related to dialect.
1.) Overly expository.
Some of the dialogue seemed intended to explain something about the way the world is structured in that future. “Yeah hardly anybody has lighters now that all the smokers have gone over to e-cigs.” Instead of naturally flowing out of what the the characters are talking about, it’s inserted to act as exposition, feeling much more like telling your readers what the world is like, versus showing them.
2.) Not age-appropriate.
I don’t know many teenagers who talk like these. “It’s just the cigarette smokers that have transitioned.” “Being part of this Wonder means I’m privy to some of its history and secrets” “Your Wonder is plenty cool too, mine is just perhaps salacious” etc.
Honestly, I don’t think you could without sacrificing a good portion of the dialogue to explain things. Like I did with the historic murders in Sugar-Free, you could only give so many words to background info and hope that you used enough for people to get it…I bet you too found it frustrating that there was more background left in your head that wouldn’t fit on the pages. Your story was just a little too big for a 2000 word limit, which could be a good thing if you allow yourself to someday rewrite it at a fuller length.
I’m having an idea. It isn’t anywhere near fully formed yet, so please bear with me as I throw it at the wall to see who salutes…
Would there be any interest in a second stage to one of these contests (possibly, but not necessarily this one…) where respectful editorial suggestions are made (publicly? Privately, via PM? I told you this idea wasn’t fully formed) and after a period of gathering those suggestions, a brief period ensues where everybody submits the next draft, along with a short paragraph outlining the gist of what the author was supposed to incorporate into the second version.
I’m open to refining that idea along with the rest of you - what do you think?
This is very fun, by the way - we are somewhere in between a writer’s group and a contest, and I like that tremendously. I appreciate everybody’s thanks, but I have to say that I derive great pleasure from these contests.
I would agree that there should be no re-writes.
I know I write what could be easily considered “literary-lite” style, but I am trying to practice speed and tone that will fit with other things I write, for a different kind of audience.
These short story exercises have been very helpful to me working with the deadline aspect. That said, I give myself an even harder deadline; once I get the info, I only allow myself three hours to write the story and give myself bonus points for finishing earlier.
I am my own worst critic, and if I have more time I will simply nitpick and re-write for years. I have to stop that. Setting a 3 hour time limit has forced me to think quickly, write quickly, edit quickly and then step away. Just the practice I need!
I’d be up for something further, Le Ministre. I’m not sure exactly what–I’m pretty sure that there will be times when I won’t feel like doing a rewrite, so perhaps that’s not the best choice. But I am enjoying the post-contest discussion, and a second stage of some sort might be a fun idea.
I’d love an opportunity to rewrite a story based on criticism. Come to think of it, I’d be just as happy if we did away with the voting and just focused on the writer’s circle aspect. But I might be in the minority there.
I think the voting is fun, but the critique part is more interesting and useful. I’d like to keep both. I don’t think rewrites here is a good idea simply because of the constraints. I’ll probably rewrite my story at some point, but without the word limits. Thanks again for the extra critiques, I think I have a better idea of what people were saying now.
