Wanted: American legends for these modern times

[Beadalin]

In this thread, TheNerd points out that it’s Johnny Pornoseed who is responsible for the flourishing porno mags along roadsides in America. It made me think that it’s really time we updated the old heroes (American or otherwise) to reflect our modern needs. And Johnny Pornoseed is a darn good start.

So, how about Paul Funyun, traveling far and wide, felling mighty cans of Pringles in a single gulp. Inspires little children everywhere to eat lots of junk food.

Davy Sprockett, who died heroically defending the Alamo from Microsoft’s aggressive marketing techniques.

All right, those aren’t very inspired, which just goes to show how badly we need new legends. Invent some more!

[Tripler]

I was thinking more along the lines of Paul Bunion, the legendary timberman who hacked off his foot when it got caught under a tree, and he couldn’t escape the woods. His sacrifice is truly a heroic tale, and his pathetic hobbling on stage while on the lecture circuit is even more awe-inspiring.

Or perhaps the skilled Crocodile HUNTER, who’s jungle stalking skills matched with his 80s Los Angeles street cop savvy solved many murders in the wild, as well as revived cheesy 80s boufonts for female sidekicks.

Tripler
It’s just a thought. . .