In our case, I asked the funeral director about a birth/death certificate. At the time, I was visiting him while collecting death certificates he had received for my father. (We’ve had some trying times, the past three years.) As I looked them over, I asked what Hayden’s (our son’s) certificate looked like, if there even was one. In the case of my father, many death certificates were needed for insurance, bank accounts, mortgage, etc. You’d be amazed. For Hayden, however, no certificates were needed and I never asked for or received one.
Anyway, the funeral director (who is a saint if I’ve ever met one), showed me a blank copy of a certificate used in the event of a stillbirth. It’s a birth and death certificate in one. It has all the normal information, but it’s all on one page. I have never gotten a certificate for Hayden. It just never seemed worth the expense. I may get one one day, just because. I don’t know. I felt better knowing that such a certificate was on file in Austin.
Why does it matter? Because he existed. In our modern world, we are all made up of paperwork. I have a birth certificate, a driver’s license, a college degree, a high school diploma, a teacher’s certificate (actually, two of those), and so on. There are tax returns, newspaper articles, letters to the editor, and even chatboard posts that testify to my existence. My Hayden didn’t even get a TAX DEDUCTION!!! Had he drawn ONE breath, he would have been a citizen. One breath and he would have had one line on my 2003 tax return. It’s not the money. It’s the fact that he existed. I am glad that, at the very least, officially, the State of Texas acknowledges that he was, for however briefly, here.
I can tell you so many stories about my daughter’s successes and struggles. I can regale you with many funny stories about my son’s unique way of expressing himself. I have but one story of Hayden. I tell it at such length in these posts because it is the only story I have.
As to the OP’s episode from ER. I believe you are describing an episode in which Dr. Carter and his girlfriend (played by Thandie Newton) lose their baby. I forget what caused their loss. I believe the doctor insisting the mother hold the baby was Dr. Carter, the baby’s father. This, I think, is somewhat different than an attending physician being so pushy.
This episode aired almost exactly one year after we lost Hayden. My wife and I have watched ER since it’s inception (it’s our date-night show), so quitting just because of this storyline was out of the question. We watched this episode and were amazed by how closely it paralleled our experience. There was the same realisation, the struggle to do the delivery, the anguish at the end. Later, Dr. Carter and what’s-'er-name split up. Fortunately, my wife and I never considered that route. Much of what they did afterward was very different from our experience. But, my wife and I felt that the hospital’s behavior was somewhat accurate.
My wife wanted to hold the baby, up until he was brought to her (by me). Then it became much too real. Still, she took him and held him as normally as she could manage. (Even in a normal birth experience, the mother’s chemistry is such a mess that many things seem different. She had just had a C-section, which is major abdominal surgery, so she had her own health issues to deal with in addition to the baby.) My mother had to gulp a deep breath and clutch to my dad in order to come into the room. She knew that she had to do it, though, or she would wish she had later. My father-in-law didn’t want to hold the baby for fear he would drop him. He probably would have felt that way even in more normal circumstances. My mother-in-law, my other kids, and many others took turns holding the baby at various times. Some visitors did not, and that’s okay too.
As to those of you offering condolences and well-wishes, thank you. Even through such a mostly anonymous place, they do mean something to us.
I’ll stop rambling now.