A very old and (I thought) dear friend silently de-firended me on Facebook yesterday.
Now, she and I have always agreed to disagree on politics. In fact, just the other day we were chatting on another friends line about how much we prefer thoughtful opposition to mere apathy.
Wednesday morning she posted a bit of a rant, saying that she would spend the rest of the week trying to decide which employees to fire and charities to stop supporting so that she could pay all the extra taxes that would be coming her way now that Mr. Obama had won re-election. Several of her Republican friends posted supportive rants.
I said: (not verbatim because I can’t see the post now, but very close)
When I went to see her reaction this morning (actually looking forward to seeing her response!) I realized that she had silently de-friended me. Not deleted the post, not sent a note saying why, just poof!
Now, she’s always been a bit impulsive, and we haven’t been what I’d call close for a while, but wow.
I just don’t get it. Is the above super offensive in some way that I am not seeing?
My take on it - you weren’t offensive, but you talked about something that she is sensitive about right now, and she chose this response to it. I don’t think you did anything wrong; I think this is a case of irreconcilable differences.
Well first of all you are wrong about Mitt’s taxes. His rate is around 15% because he mostly earns money through capital gains on the fortune he amassed at Bain.
There has been a lot of poor winners on Facebook who really love rubbing it in. Your post doesn’t look like that to me, but keep in mind it’s probably mixed in with a dozen others that are.
Your response was reasonable, but look at it this way: Your friend basically saw her beloved sports team go down in flames. She doesn’t want advice about how they could have played differently, or how their game strategy was flawed, or even how they might do better next year. She doesn’t even want to talk about how it’s just a sports game and she shouldn’t get so worked up over it. She just wants to complain bitterly with like-minded fans.
You stepped into the middle of that. And she reacted emotionally. If you still want to keep her as a friend, just keep your head down and maybe when she comes to her senses she’ll want to refriend you.
Your experience here doesn’t necessarily generalize. My mom is a former social butterfly who, due to medical issues and the very poor decision to move dozens of miles away from relatives and friends, has become a practical shut-in on long-term disability. Social networking has become her life. She does not distinguish between being unfriended on Facebook and becoming enemies in real life.
Sorry if this is an overshare, but my mom is a real-life example of someone who thinks verrrry differently about Facebook than you do.
People’s perspectives on the OMG seriousness of the disaster that will befall when someone they don’t support gets elected is wildly out of sync with reality. We are a country of conspiracy theorists and doom-sayers; like the crazy with the sandwich board on the college campus talking about the end of days. People are broken in this way, and encouraged to embrace this brokenness. Telling the person with a logical/mental/emotional disability that they should just look at things differently is rarely a welcome or successful approach.
This is a problem I’ve had and still sometimes have. Especially online, it can be difficult to ascertain the mood someone’s in and the kind of conversation they want to have or even can have.
If Person A (such as your former FB friend) is in an emotional, venting, blowing off steam mode and Person B (such as you) comes in with a cognitive, trying-to-determine-what’s-proportionate, efficient-means-to-an-end response, it will be badly received. It’s the typical story of the venter getting upset when a solver points out solutions and questions the hyperbolic bitching of the venter.
You committed no fault but your reply was inappropriate in that it wasn’t the kind of conversation those people were having and you were very unlikely to change the convo they were having. I try to remind myself that the fact that two people are talking about the same topic doesn’t mean they’re having the same conversation. If the ways they’re talking about the topic differ drastically, they’ll do little more than irritate each other.
I think she is being sensitive, BUT if I were to read what you wrote without your context I wouldn’t gather anything from that to say you’re friends. It seem a bit condescending. Who are you to deem what “supports the health of the Nation”? Clearly, she’s not a democrat because she doesn’t see that as what’s right for the country. It’s almost like you’re saying “get over it, because you’re totally wrong anyway”. I think maybe it’s not so subtle. I find it odd you were looking forward to see her response. Did you really think she would take that, with the way you worded it, well? Honestly, if that’s the way you always address her politic views, even if they are irrational rants, I can see why she wouldn’t want to be friends with you.
*Adds this to the list of reasons I am not on facebook.
Based on this comment, I’d say your “friend” seems kind of nuts.
It’s like this. The Republican party has created this bizarre bullshit narative that they are about freedom, small government, low taxes, free markets while Obama is some sort of Marxist, muslim Hitler who is trying to destroy America, our economy and your freedom. And quite frankly, there are a lot of couch potatoes living in relatively isolated suburban and rural communities who watch Fox News and believe the hype.
Dilusional people tend to become very hostile when their dilusion is threatened.
I don’t think your comment was wildly out of line, but I think your timing was poor. Some people get passionate about politics in the same way some people get passionate about sports. You may be able to have a thoughtful conversation with an Ohio State fan a month after they lose the Rose Bowl. The day after, not so much.
Give her a month to cool off and then send her a friend request and/or an email saying you understand she’s upset about how the election turned out but you weren’t trying to rub it in, simply offering what you thought was a constructive viewpoint on why things may not be as bad as she was fearing. If she refuses to talk to you, that’s her issue, not yours.
I dunno, one of my co-workers who is a sharp ER nurse said she was moving to Australia if Obama was re-elected. I’m debating bringing some travel flyers in to work this week.
Concur with the sports analogy, you’re timing was way off, not your comment.
You’re also probably not the only person who has said something to her about this. For some reason, people who were completely silent about politics before the election are not so now, and it happens on both sides. Even if they didn’t say it directly to her, she probably heard it, with everyone posting. She may not like people being so forthright in their views when they are gloating. And you just seem like one of the gloaters right now.
I actually do think your comment is off a little bit. The first part is pretty good, but that last part comes off as chastisement rather than just your own belief. And, while that might normally be acceptable in your relationship, chastising an angry person often doesn’t go well, especially when you’re part of the reason they are angry (and you are, since you voted for the side she didn’t want to win). Only Republicans seem to be able to successfully chastise others of their party right now.
I have to wonder what you feel bringing those flyers would accomplish? She’s not actually going to move. You’ll just be know as the office jerk/bully. That’s not even that fun if that’s your reasoning.
Thank you everyone for all your input on this. I agree that my comment was ill-timed - I should have waited at least a week to try and engage. But that to me would be a reason to delete the post, or put the person on “hide” for awhile.
MEM may have hit it on the head as to why she chose the more permanent option. I am a natural solver, and seldom find the strength to just sit back while folks are venting. If I have a constructive suggestion, I feel like a bad friend if I don’t share it. This is very annoying to those who just want to “be heard” or “let it out”, and I’ve been called on it before (though not by her.)
Those who said it may have come across as preachy are right too. Not how I meant it, but I can see how it would to someone as “het up” as she was.
Thanks again all! It’s nice to have the laser focus of the Dope to aim my own way occasionally.