When I was younger, I’d cross the street if I was alone & there was another man walking in my direction. It’s paranoia, but it was also an acknowledgement that I’d never fight off a larger man. I was pretty much raised to believe that men could not control impulses, particularly if my attire wasn’t modest.
I did this to a black man and he gave me this most exasperated, hurt look. As if a thousand women had done it to him, and he would never shake off the stigma of being a potential criminal. I was much more subtle in how I avoided men after that.
I once flinched when a young black man asked me for the time as I walked back to my flat. I flinched because I’d been assaulted a couple of days before on the same road at around the same time of day on the way back from uni.
My assailants were a young white woman and her white bf, so he had nothing in common with them other than location, but the response kicked in anyway. Still, he naturally assumed my very obvious fear was due to his race and walked away calling back that not all black men are dangerous. I still feel guilty about it.
These days I, a white woman who is depressingly unscary (I was bizarrely accused of an assault once and even without having to provide an alibi everybody laughed at the idea :mad:) I still avoid accidentally following people on dark or slightly dodgy streets. I can hear the women’s footsteps faltering as they realise someone’s behind them. It would be totally understandable if they were freaked out by me appearing to follow them home.
I think if you leave the race of Skald and the woman entirely out of the story her paranoia was still understandable. It’s more of a male/female fear rather than black/white.
Could it have just been defensive behavior when confronted by a large man exhibiting possibly stalkish behavior? Yes.
The main thing I took from your story was that it wouldn’t have killed you to SPEAK to her, especially after the 2nd time you ran into her. A simple “Oh hey, you again? we must be going to the same place” could have worked wonders in this situation.
I sure as hell would be frightened of a professional looking white guy in a suit who was trying (or appeared to be trying) to follow me home from the bus stop one night.
TBH, I’d be rather wary if the same guy I didn’t know just kept popping up in various places I went to, regardless of his size, color, etc. The weirdo population where I live, especially among mass transit users, is not exactly microscopic.
I’m also somewhat cautious about male strangers who seem to be following me, due to being middle-aged, shortish, and with poor eyesight and hip problems. I do feel a bit vulnerable due to size, vision, and mobility.
Okay, clearly you’ve not actually read the book. If you had, you’d realize you’ve just made the author’s point for him.
Fear HAS a rational basis – self-preservation. Fear is intended to focus our attention on potential threats. However, we exist in a culture which tells us (women especially) to rationalize away our fears: they’re silly, they’re irrational, women should be nice, women should be friendly, don’t hurt that guy’s feelings because you “over-reacted.”
It’s when we IGNORE OUR FEARS that we get in trouble. That seemingly small behavior that seems off? It seems off for a reason, and if you hand-wave that unease as “irrational” and go ahead with “being nice” you’ll likely discover that your instincts were right in the first place. There’s nothing irrational about noticing a guy following you, getting too close, or getting too friendly, and being uncomfortable with that. What’s irrational is ignoring that discomfort because society sez you should be “nice.”
What?
When would you have the opportunity to see it? If a woman is alone, being followed down the street by a white guy in a suit, by definition you can’t see how she’d react because you’re not there.
And yes, if you were with a woman while she was being followed, or you both were a part of a crowd, her reaction would be different. For that matter, so would the behavior of the guy following – would he even? How often is a woman followed/threatened when she has another guy escorting her, or if she’s surrounded by witnesses? Not nearly as often as when she’s by herself, I’d wager.
I am a woman and you are wrong. A professional looking white guy in a suit who seemed to be a lot of places where I was would stir up a lot of suspicion (as in concealed carry could become open carry if we are ever alone). Ted Bundy was often a professional looking white guy in a suit.
I don’t think it helps to ask whether the “racist” label applies. A lot of black women would behave the same way under the same circumstances. Would you call them racist?
At the bottom, though, we’re all racists, to some extent. The only way to fight it is to recognize it and look for it and correct it, in our own behavior. Most people who say “I’m not predudiced” just haven’t paid enough attention, or else they’re stating a wish rather than a fact.
I don’t want to be a racist, but I do catch myself making prejudgments.
I don’t think she was racist. The reason : it happened to me many times that a woman walking ahead of me felt threatened in similar ways*, and not only I am white, but also, contrarily to you, I’m not large or physically threatening.
(*)and one instance was very similar to your example, since it began when we both left the subway at the same station and ended when she took refuge in the building where I happened to live (and where she didn’t live)
When I was younger, this kind of situation pissed me off. I was resentful towards women who acted like I was a predator, and contrarily to Skald the Rhymer, I wouldn’t have made the slightest effort to assuage their fears.
Nowadays, I can understand that fear, and I won’t be offended. They’ve nothing against me personnally, I’m just an anonymous potential threat. Although it happens much less frequently now that I’m closing to 50. Maybe I should be offended by that (“mostly harmless” as in THGTTG).
By the way, I’m a bit surprised that Skald found this situation notable (apart from the serial coincidences). It happened quite frequently to me. Maybe it’s a factor of more often walking to places (I’m thinking of this because it’s often said that American people walk much less than we do). Or maybe Skald isn’t an urbanite.
Out of curiosity do you think that a short man say 5’4 would react in the same way if a women who was say 6’2 and quite large happened to behave in a way that could have been perceived as stalkerish.
