I guess “lover” wouldn’t cut it, but I’ve always liked it as a word.
I’m married but never took the time to break down exactly what “benefits” I get monetarily from it and wondered if anyone actually knew?
Do you actually save money on your income taxes by filing jointly? How much?
I know you get the benefit of getting your spouse on your companies health insurance plan and that’s probably cheaper than both of you getting your own but can’t you do the same thing nowdays filing as a domestic partner?
Anything I’m missing?
That word makes me shudder. Makes it sound like it’s all about the torrid sex. I think an important quality this new word needs is the ability to use it in front of parents and bosses.
That’s an… interesting response to torrid sex. 
But I agree that it’s not really right for parents and formal company. Too bad, because, like, from a hippie point of view, the important thing is the love.
I understand you are somewhat touchy on this issue Anaamika, and I promise I’m not trying to provoke you, only to understand. I simply do not understand why someone in a committed relationship would not want to marry. You are very proud of your commitment and conduct yourselves as most married people do. I guess I don’t see, exactly, what the problem with marriage is if you are, in fact, living exactly as married couples do.
Anaamika:
I don’t think the English language needs to be altered to make a distinction that’s defined nowhere except in your hearts and minds.
Disagreeing with the OP (“we need…”), and, apparently, you.
We’re on a message board that promotes free and open discussion/debate. If you don’t care what I say, fine. Nothing I say obligates anyone else to act. But if someone makes an assertion I disagree with, I’ll state my disagreement. Why shouldn’t I?
I’m sure you do. I’m sure many non-married couples do. But it’s equally true that if either of you wished to dissolve your relationship (and I certainly hope only the best for you, and the prior conditional clause should be taken only in the debating sense), no legal entity can force an equitable distribution of these assets, short of your filing civil lawsuits against one another.
If one of you should ever be in an unfortunate state of health, who do you want making the decisions, one another or the unhealthy one’s parents? Should one of you die, who do you want being in charge of the funeral arrangements? I hope you and your significant other have good enough health, and good enough relationships with the other’s blood nexts-of-kin that these never become cause for issue. But these are real-world things that marriage gives legal standing to a spouse for, and lack thereof denies it to non-spouses.
One of the biggest benefits, and one that does indeed scare me, is the whole visitation rights, etc., when you’re ill, and the right to decide when to cut off life support. I know my folks will want me to live on and on and on and on and I don’t want to. The Terry Schiavo thing has not made me confident that marriage will make it Ok, though.
I’m not really sure what the basic benefits are for marriage. I get to tell people I’m married, sure. I would get more respect in the eyes of his family. As it is I’m still just a girlfriend. My family would stop delicately hinting.
But I think all of those reasons are kind of lousy reasons to get married. As far as I’m concerned…it’s hard to expain in a few words. But I do intend to get married. Just not yet.
I know there are benefits to having kids, whether married or not. I just applied for financial aid. I can’t get any since I have no kids unless I make less than 14K. I couldn’t survive on 14k though!
To be fair, there are tons of distinctions that exist only in hearts and minds. ‘Friend’ vs. ‘acquaintance’, ‘step-dad’ vs. ‘guy my mom married’, etc.
But cmkeller, those are all true, but what I am wondering is why all that makes any difference to the fact that I would like a different name for my relationship. You don’t respect it, but your disrespect doesn’t lessen it.
I’m not asking for a state-sanctioned word that everyone MUST use, like husband and wife. I’m simply asking for something for convenience.
And you know that your comments (and my answers) have hijacked this thread beyond all measure. I’m going to quit now, and go back to the very important task (to me and other non-married couples) of finding a name for our relationship. Whether it satisfies people who don’t believe in our relationship or not I don’t particularly care.
Half of my serious relationships have been with people of the same sex. I’ve been with my partner (my hetero life partner 
) for 7 years now. I will not get married. Why? I can’t stomach taking advantage of a benefit that is so unfairly distributed. Yes, marraige has real benefits, benefits I’m not going to claim until same-sex couples can also claim them. It feels wrong, it feels like I’m participating in discrimination. I’ve volunteered many, many hours and donated more than what’s comfortable to getting the right for same-sex couples to marry recognized. I just can’t participate in marraige until the laws are just. YMMV.
When people ask me why I don’t get married, it’s fun to tell them that I’m morally opposed to marraige as it stands in the U.S. I always get weird looks. I do call my SO my partner, and I know an increasing number of hetero couples that do. It is awkward though. If you find a good word, I’m on board.
That’s why I love the Quebec term “conjoint”. It pretty much means “common-law partner” and can apply to hetero or same-sex couples. When you stop calling your girlfriend your “blonde” and start calling her your “conjointe”, people get the message that you’re as good as married.
Too bad it doesn’t translate well into one simple word.
But here’s the thing.
You really are married to this guy. Just because you don’t have a certificate from the government proclaiming that you’re married doesn’t change that. The certificate is unimportant, except as to how government officials will treat you. But from an emotional and practical standpoint you’re as married as most people with that certificate.
So the question then becomes, why are you so opposed to using the standard english terms for people in you situation–husband and wife? You’re living as husband and wife, why is it such a problem to use those words?
What’s a matter…“the ole’ ball and chain” has lost its romantic overtones?
What about “man-mate”? (I got nothing for what you can call her)
Or “special friend”? (That one, though, sounds like you may need help bathing and clothing yourself).
Personally, “my better half” sounds nice.
Why doesn’t the word “marriage” apply here? You said you are kind of against the concept, but what is the concept, if not that of a “serious long term committment?”
ETA: Oops, I see this question has already been asked. Well, I’ll leave it here just for the record.
-FrL-
We got married for lack of a word. There wasn’t a good way to describe each other that wasn’t “wife” or “husband” so we figured we might as well make it legal.
As it turned out, we adopted and having a legal marriage of three years was a requirement for that, so its worked out well.
But “wife” doesn’t need to mean legal wife. No one other than the adoption agency has ever wanted to see our marriage license.
(I have a friend who says “spousal substitute”).
I like main squeeze. No one uses that one enough.
How about…
**Platinum Plus+ Partner™ **
Hi, mom. I wanted to know if you wanted to go to dinner with me and my **Platinum Plus+ Partner™ **?
See, it has a certain ring to it!
My SO and I will use ‘partner’ sometimes. The people at her work have taken to calling me her husband so frequently she doesn’t correct them. I don’t think we’re stealing it from the Gay community, if it becomes more popular amoungst heteros, doesn’t it de-stigmatise gay relationships? Just a thought. After we refinanced her condo in both our names, I told her we were ‘wedded in debt’.
Add one to Nava’s reasons to not marry: She’s technically still married to her 2nd husband, who she hasn’t seen or heard from in years and may not be alive. We know she could divorce him by publication, but it hasn’t seemed worth the hassle yet.
Just save a lot of hassle and refer to each other as husband and wife. No one needs to know the private details of whatever contract you have/haven’t signed. For all intents, you are husband and wife. You’re sharing your life together, and have done so for quite some time. You live together. You presumably have sex with each other. So just say husband and wife. If someone presses you on it, you can either tell the person to mind their own business, or explain that it’s a ‘common law’ marriage.
I’ve always thought it was strange that people don’t marry because they don’t want the ‘commitment’. The commitment doesn’t come from a piece of paper. It comes from agreeing to go through life together. That’s the whole reason behind common-law marriage - living together, sharing the expenses, helping each other through college, having joint property that increases or decreases in value… All of these things require commitment. You can’t just walk away if you feel like it, without tying up those loose ends to each other’s satisfaction. And that’s all that formal marriage demands of you anyway.
That was the first thing that came to me, too.