We had one of those office meetings where everyone introduces themself. People talk about spouses, kids, dogs, etc.
One person referred to her “partner” I really couldn’t care less about the sexuality of anyone I’m not fucking (and for the past quarter century I’ve only fucked one person). But when someone uses the word “partner” I find myself wondering whether or not they are gay. Because in my mind, one’s BF/GF could also be called one’s partner, no?
But I didn’t really think of it, until a little while later, when she said she was talking off for her marriage. I fully support that gays have all rights afforded straights, but have no idea whether my state (which I recently moved to) allowed marriages, civil unions, whatever. So her marriage got me started thinking about THAT.
And when she returned, we were notified that she had changed her already hyphenated last name, to a new hyphenation (kept one of the two old names and added another.)
So I guess I’m asking 2 questions. If you encountered what I describe, would you be curious, or does such curiosity simply not occur to you? And, if you were curious, would you reach any conclusions?
The person in question is one of my favorite co-workers, and tho I now know her current situation, I really couldn’t care less. But I did find myself curious. In some way I think it kinda unfortunate that the use of the word “partner” had me wondering about her sexuality, in a way I never would have otherwise.
I would automatically assume that “partner” in this case meant same-sex partner. It just seems to be the go-to euphemism nowadays. Like you, I also wouldn’t care one way or the other.
I guess grown adults may find the use of “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” somewhat immature sounding. This is why the term S.O. gets bandied about. Although that too could denote same-sex.
Mr. Horseshoe and I (we’re a het couple) were together for almost a decade before we married, for various reasons. Calling him my “boyfriend” after shacking up for so long seemed … odd. So I took to calling him “my non-lesbian partner” sometimes.
I admit, I also referred to him simply as my partner on a few occasions in order to imply that I was a lesbian and therefore uninterested in whoever was trying to flirt with me at the moment!
My first thought would be that somebody talking about their partner (in a non-business setting) would be part of a same-sex couple. But I agree with purplehorseshoe; partner is also the best term for somebody of the opposite sex that you’re in a long-term relationship with but aren’t married to.
I often refer to my SO as my partner. He’s over 50, so “boyfriend” sounds stupid. Plus we live together, raise my biological children together, etc.
Thing is, we’re still legally married to other people. So “husband” refers to a guy I’m getting divorced from and “boyfriend” sounds dumb and “fiance” sounds pretentious. “Partner” is the most comfortable term for me.
Still, I admit that I do generally hear “partner” as an indicator of a homosexual relationship, even though I use it in my heterosexual one.
First of all, it sounds like you’re trying WAY too hard to say “I don’t care if she was gay or not”. Don’t worry, we get the point :p.
Yes, it makes me wonder. It’s either 1) the couple lives together and the woman tries to classify their relationship as “more” than boyfriend/girlfriend, even though that’s what they are. They hold a candle for getting married, even when it’s been forever. And 2) They’re a gay couple, not necessarily living together.
I don’t assume it’s one or the other, but mentally I do narrow it down to the two options. I hear straight couples use it a lot more often to imply they’re “more”. If you wanna be “more”, get married, but don’t take away a term that’s traditionally used for gay couples.
I’m always curious because I’m naturally very curious about people’s personal lives (if I care about them in a personal or work related way). If I don’t care about them my curiosity will not be piqued.
The only reason I consider it minimally “unfortunate”, is that as a rule I am not the least bit interested in anyone else’s sexuality. So it kinda bothers me that conventions (language and other) result in me at least momentarily thinking about this one person’s sexual orientation. As an example, a month or so after the first meeting, I remember this person’s use of the term partner, whereas I could not remember which or the other people mentioned a husband or wife.
Spark, I admire I had your mental approach. And I guess I have some idiosyncracies/hangups regarding certain language usage. I work in the legal system, in which “marriage” generally refers to a relationship which is recognized by the state. Also, a part of my work involves individuals’ legal status as spouses, widows, divorcees, children… For example, someone might consider themselves to be in a “common law marriage”, but depending on where you reside, that may or may not have any legal implications.
I think it may be a generational thing - I’ve heard lots of younger (man, it pains me to type that ) people referring to their common law, heterosexual spousal unit as “partner”, so to me it just means “unmarried, but boinking” - not a comment on the respective boinking apparatuses.
“Common law, heterosexual spousal unit” is just a tad too cumbersome for cocktail party introductions.
I had a huge, discussion about this a few weeks ago (I was very surprised how heated it got).
Personally, I don’t like the term ‘partner’. I find it very ambiguous and can carry considerable conversational faux paux potential. That said, I also don’t believe that people have any obligation to clarify their relationship with strangers in a conversation setting.
I for one, I’m proud of all of my relationships and don’t feel the need to hide behind such a super nebulous label. Speaking of labels, I have been told (by more than one person) this is the main reason they prefer ‘partner’…because somehow it isn’t a ‘label’. I scratch my head at that argument. If I had to choose though, I would probably go with Significant Other. It clearly denotes a romantic, non-business link, maintains some of the opaque-like nature of ‘partner’ and doesn’t sound so fu*cking smug ultra-PC as Life or Domestic Partner.
Apparently it’s very trendy in some circles to refer to your boyfriend or girlfriend as your “partner,” even in the case of one of my old roommates, who was twenty-three and referred to her boyfriend of less than a year as her “partner,” though they were not particularly serious, nor planning to marry each other one day, nor had any of the other markers of a Relationship Heading to Marriage.
Yes, it makes me assume a homosexual relationship. The young people I know have no qualms about referring to their boyfriend or girlfriend, and the older folks are pretty set on husband/wife/spouse/fiance, whatever. Gay, straight, it’s all good. Although I am in Canada, where you can marry your boyfriend or girlfriend or roommate or milkman if you so choose.
I read a lot of mystery novels and it seems to me a lot of the British ones (like Ruth Rendell’s) use “partner” for opposite-sex live-ins. As in “I was home all night, just ask my partner.” That made me assume it’s common there. Isn’t it?
I’m a female in a non-married committed sexual relationship with a male, and I like to say partner. It’s purposefully ambiguous, because no one who doesn’t know my partner and I personally really needs to know my sexual orientation. I also don’t like people to assume that because I have a “boyfriend” that I am heterosexual, when I’m not.
Edit to add: I do get curious when I hear someone else refer to their partner, but I like to be curious.
I think this very much describes my thoughts. I place an extremely high value on clear communication, so I tend to dislike words/phrasings I feel unnecessarily introduce ambiguity. And I wish no one had more or less ease referring to their “partner(s)” than anyone else.
I’m curious, are there any generalizations as to how married/“civil unioned” gay couples refer to themselves? Partner? Wife/husband? Spouse?
Sure. There are also people who either don’t want to be legally married for one reason or another, or are not permitted to be, but have still formalized and sanctified their relationship in terms that are equally or more meaningful to them–perhaps by means of a non-standard religious ceremony that was never reported to or acknowledged by any government.
Sigmagirl, I think you are right; I have heard the term partner in England used much more to refer to serious hetero couples than I do here in the US. I like it, though. I am another one who finds “boyfriend” a little silly at my age.
) people referring to their common law, heterosexual spousal unit as “partner”, so to me it just means “unmarried, but boinking” - not a comment on the respective boinking apparatuses.