That pretty much sums up what it has taken me 10 posts to only half say. Thanks!!
I usually just refer to her by name around anyone that knows me as well, and even some I don’t. I’ll just leave it up to them to figure out, and I feel that just coming right out and using a name sounds more serious.
To those that keep wondering why we don’t just call each other husband and wife, the above is why. We are not legally married, which to 99% of America they would assume we were if we used those terms, and would then have to spend 10 minutes figuring out ways to answer - when did you get married (we didn’t) did she take your name (well, we aren’t really married), where did you get married (we didn’t) how long did you date first (uh, we still are), etc.
“Nobody move! This is a wedding! When I ask you, you will recite your vows slowly and carefully, place the rings on each others fingers, then lay down on the ground with your hands above your head.”
I’ve been married twelve years, shacked up with my husband for several years before that (and was previously shacked up with someone else who I married and divorced) and I’ve never had anyone ask me any of those questions - outside of here where you can just ignore those threads. I even kept my maiden name to add to the complexity - and no one ever asks about that either (outside of these sorts of threads).
And if they do:
“My husband and I…”
“Oh, when did you get married”
“We aren’t, its just easier to use the word husband.”
“Well, why aren’t you married?.”
“That is a very personal question and not one I care to answer.”
We think we need to explain ourselves too much. “MYOB” is an answer (though should be phrased better than ‘piss off.’)
Count me in on this, too. I truly don’t understand why anyone would choose to live as married while simultaneously choosing not to be married. And how do we learn to understand if noone tells us why? There are a lot of things I didn’t understand (or know anything about) until I came here where people talk about them and gave me a chance to see it from their point of view.
I will admit I agree with cmkeller here, so I’m not necessarily saying I’ll change my opinion, but knowing how it is for other people is part of losing ignorance.
Oh, and somebody beat me to POSSLQ, so all I can say is I think SO works. You might have to explain it once but after that it’s easy and useable. Much better than live-in or, heaven forbid, shackup. And it seems to be a step up from the girl/boyfriend level. I’m always understood it to mean committed but not married, whether temporarily or otherwise.
Mr. Henderson to co-workers in a hushed whisper, “You missed a crazy dinner party last night, Marc brought an escort with him and wasn’t shy about introducing her to everyone. . . I would have never thought he was the type.”
All right, I’m just going to invent two new words. Then when someone asks “What the hell is that?” I’ll say "It means ‘unmarried male/female life partner.’ " But when I explain it, I’ll use a “Duh” tone of voice so the person will think they’re stupid and the only person on earth who doesn’t know what the word means. Then that person will start using it, and so on and so forth.
My words:
Amidoso (ah-mə-do’-so’) for life-long partner of the male persuasion. Amidasen (ah-mə-da’-sen’) for life-long partner of the female persuasion.
(Loose Portuguese roots.)
My memetroduction begins today. I figure they’ll be in Webster’s by Christmas.
I got used to using the word “partner” when working at Planned Parenthood. It’s a perfectly neutral term for whoever you happen to be with, of whatever gender, of whatever commitment level (momentary sex partner, bonded life partner), and allows for any number of poly-style permutations. I find it very handy in the real world, where some “boyfriend/girlfriend” situations are vastly more committed and “adult” than some marriages I know. I am married and will often refer to NajaHusband as my partner.
And it seems to be a step up from the girl/boyfriend level. I’m always understood it to mean committed but not married, whether temporarily or otherwise.