I personally think that, when writing all the thank you notes that come from a wedding, one less does not make a huge difference. Plus, as a gift-giver, a thank-you note tells me that the gift made it from the reception to the bride and groom. (There are horror stories of stolen cards, stolen gifts, etc.) I sent my thank-yous out as soon as we got back from our honeymoon. A cousin of my husband who got married the week before us has yet to send a thank you for their gift. They do have a year, which expires in June.
As for the OP, if you choose to send a gift, you have one year from the wedding date to send a “wedding gift”, whether you attend the wedding or not.
I’ve never heard bringing cards/gifts to the reception is tacky and violates some unwritten rule. I can’t imagine walking into a reception without a card in my hand, probably because I’ve never been to a wedding where it wasn’t the norm.
To address the OP: yes, it’s acceptable to get them a gift. They obviously wanted you to be there, and you’d like to go if it weren’t for the time and distance involved, a gift conveys your congratulations and good wishes to the couple and is certainly appropriate.
Thanks, Opal and Otto. I kinda felt like it was enough, and her mother agreed, but I still felt a little uneasy about it. It’s nice to have some more opinions.
Well of course Miss Manners would say that thank you cards are an abomination (a point with which I happen to disagree, assuming the card is very plain and simple with no pre-printed message beyond the words “Thank you” on the front and if a note is written on the card). I wouldn’t include a note like that. It seems like the flip side of putting “no gifts” on an invitation.
I’d have to agree, if they want to thank you it seems like they’d have to go against your wishes. I’d probably spend more time debating whether to send the thank-you card than it would take me to actually write it.
Every single wedding I have ever gone to* has had a gift table set up. Everyone I know would think it bizarre if you didn’t bring the gift to the wedding.
I just mentioned this to my whole family (hooray for Sunday dinners) and they all basically said, “What the hell would you do with it, then?” It’s totally expected in some cultures, Otto, and therefore, not rude within that culture.
Basically either Polish (one side of the family, or random people) or German (the other side of the family, or random people). There was one random WASP-y wedding, but even there, there was a gift table.
From what I understand, it does go against etiquette to bring the gift to the wedding. But, as many of you have pointed out, many receptions do indeed have a gift table.
IMHO, this is one of those things like including registry information in an invitation or, to use a more “dated” example, including a response card. Etiquette dictates that one does not include registry information in an invitation as gifts are not to be expected. Instead, the invitee should call mothers or the wedding party in order to find out where the couple is registered. Likewise, one is supposed to reply on their own stationary to the invitation. Out of convenience, people will include the registry information or response card or gift table assuming that their guests won’t follow convention.
I think it boils down to a clash of cultures. I’ve heard many people here rail on and on about the tackiness of the money dance. That’s a Polish wedding tradition (pani mloda). It’s not considered tacky at all. So Polish wedding etiquette would say it’s not tacky.
Not everyone (even people who are descendants of immigrants instead of being from the Old Country themselves) has the traditional American British-influenced wedding*.
Although obviously some of these have melded with many more “ethnic” wedding traditions as well.
I wouldn’t release someone from thank you note duty because that’s my assurance that they got the quilt I took weeks to make them. In fact, I am still waiting to hear about two quilts I sent my friend’s kids in January. :rolleyes: Either he’s a jerk (sorry, I don’t accept the busy parent thing after three months) or they got lost in transit.
Well, I stand corrected on the “Thank you note not required” thing. Your points, especially about how the sender can be sure the gift was actually recieved make sense.
Thank you all for your imput!
FML
PS: (Notes are in the mail)