He’s making other patrons uncomfortable. I don’t think that’s “nothing wrong”.
ETA: I agree with elbows’ comments about the “spidey sense” - the best advice I’ve ever received is just to trust my instincts about situations and people I’m not sure about.
Well that settles it, lynch the bastard.
Where on earth is this idea that anyone is advocating violence coming from? The guy is acting inappropriately. Weedy is trying to figure out what the best reaction to that is. Who mentioned anything about lynching?
I think that constantly touching people without regard as to whether they want to be touched IS wrong. You think that telling people they need to behave is wrong. Both instances are intrusions. I think that unwanted touching is a greater violation of the social contract, myself.
Either the guy doesn’t know that some people are uncomfortable being touched by strangers, or he doesn’t care. If he doesn’t know, he should be told privately and tactfully. If he does know but doesn’t care, he should be called out on his behavior.
I’m a touchy feely person myself, with people that I know and like. But I don’t like strangers to touch me, and I get the impression that this guy is being overly familiar with people he doesn’t know, or that he doesn’t know well. He might only mean to be friendly. Since apparently he’s doing this to men and women, I would guess that he’s not reading the signals that people are giving him to back off, and he needs to be told, outright, that not everyone welcomes being touched. I’m reminded of the mentally handicapped woman who used to go to the same clinic as I did…she had learned how to initiate conversations, but she hadn’t learned when to leave people alone, and she pestered everyone in the waiting room, trying to strike up a conversation. Finally one of the office staff had to tell her to leave people alone. I frequently had to go to this clinic when I had a migraine, and the last thing I wanted to hear was this woman’s attempts at engaging me. Yes, I’m a bitch. But I’ll mostly keep it to myself, if people will just leave me alone when I give clear signals that I am not interested in talking about the weather.
Um, er, okay. Well, are you interested in talking about the OP? I fail to see what your story, about being a bitch to the socially inept, means to contribute here.
Care to elucidate?
Have you even read the OP? The guy didn’t touch or speak to Weedy directly. No one came to her to say he was wierd or they need her help dealing with him. She said he was non threatening and was enagin lots of people from all sexes/ages. What on earth makes you think this guy needs a talking to? Person A doesn’t like how person B is interaction with people C-Z so A needs to straighten him out? Huh?
Weedy already acknowledged that her post doesn’t really merit her intervention so I’m not speaking about her specifically. Mostly just the other people jumping on this guy in the thread.
I mean to say that sometimes people are in public, but don’t necessarily want to have strangers touch them, or get into conversations with them. If someone is minding his/her own business in the gym, that doesn’t mean that other patrons of the gym get to touch them. In kindergarten, the rule was that you keep your hands to yourself. This guy is violating people’s boundaries, and that’s what I’m talking about. Boundaries.
This is not The BBQ Pit, so dial back the personal attacks.
This is not The BBQ Pit, so dial back the personal attacks.
How is it a personal attack, to question the meaning of her post in relation to the OP?
She called herself a bitch I was just using her own words.
Her personal story had little reference to the OP.
(Note to self: never question Lynn - ever!)
OK, look; it’s very simple. This is how creeps look for victims. It’s not conscious in some cases, in the worst cases it is. But they lightly and repeatedly break social barriers and rules and then close in on the people who are unable to enforce boundaries.
He might do this to 150 girls before he finds the one who awkwardly apologizes for questioning his behvior and is lonely enough to continue talking with him after her spidey sense goes off.
He might do it to 100 grownups before he finds the ones who will stand up for him if he’s ever called on it: “He’s a nce enough guy” “Just a little awkward” “He’s like that with everybody” “I know him, he’s been working out here forever.” And the all-time favorite “He’s just a nice, quiet neighbor.”
And all of you who are jumping to the defense of a man you’ve never seen and accusing the OP of over-reacting when she clearly has not done so - you are the minions of the bad guys. You make people afraid to trust their instincts, and strongly enforce boundaries, and protect those too young to do so for themselves.
Quit it. Any time you shame someone for following their instincts you are increasing their chances at victimization in future.
Not me, I wanted to lynch the bastard.
That’s exactly it. By taking the suggestion to extremes you make it sound ridiculous, when in fact her concern is valid.
She never said “Let’s get up a gang to beat him up in the parking lot.” But how on earth is it inappropriate to say to the management “I see this guy making some of the young girls uncomfortable. I can’t say that he’s done anything overtly offensive, but you should maybe keep an eye out.” ??
How is it appropriate NOT to say that to someone who is in a position to watch longer and more often that you can?
Hey, we are on the same side. Why, just yesterday there was a man in my local gym grunting away like a motherfucker over at the weights bench. In my opinion his grunting was making some young girls on the running machines feel uncomfortable.
I reported him to the lady on reception as he was obviously grunting to play on the young girls teenage sexual insecurities. The lady commended me for my vigilance and the man was asked to leave.
Now its just me and the young girls in the gym. Everybody wins.
I find this hysterical and surprising that some people think this way. F your instincts. Who are you? Wolverine? You guys remind me of the old couple that used to keep an eye on all the teens in the neighborhood and kept logs of their activities because they just knew we were up to no good. Constantly callin the cops because teens and mexicans were acting in a suspicious manner. Just following their instincts though so it’s all good!
MYOB. If nobody complains or waxes his glasses for touching them, then, what business is it of yours how they react? Maybe it’s you misreading signals. These young girls could be loving the attention. You could be jealous, and dislike that you aren’t in the group of touchees, and, rather than face that, you are sublimating this doubt and making him the bad guy. You “feel protective of strange young females” ???
Don’t involve yourself in other people’s upbringing/training.
hh
We’re not defending anyone. We’re telling the OP that she is not the arbitrator of whether other people feel uncomfortable. If they do, it is their job to deal with it. The OP has nowhere near enough information to be making judgements, and seeing as she is not personally* in any sort of danger, it is her job to not trust her feelings, but just use the feelings as an indication that she needs to step back and analyze the situation.
And that’s exactly what she did, and I give her tons of kudos for it.
Another way to put it is that all the stuff about trusting your instincts only applies at times when you do not have time or otherwise cannot make an informed choice. Human instincts are often not reliable, and only rational thought can determine if that’s the case.
Following your feelings only makes sense when you don’t have time to think.
*In this context, “personally” includes her duty to look out for her daughter. I just can’t think of a better word offhand that encompasses the concept.
I’d go up to the management and just politely say, “I noticed a guy over there who always seems to be getting overly physical with some of the other patrons” and describe the shoulder-bumping, etc. That stuff to me is in a different category than just unwanted conversation. I go to the gym a lot and seriously cannot think of a time that someone has “bumped shoulders” with me, even accidentally. It’s certainly never happened as a deliberate means of saying hi (seriously, WTF?) and I’d have a problem with someone who was doing it routinely.
God, we always hit the same impasse in these threads: guys hate being assumed to be potential rapists and women hate being, y’know, raped.
But bear this in mind: when we were little boys we were just as weak, naive and vulnerable as the girls. Big mean queers were out there ready to rape us, too; or more well-behaved/stealthier ones were ready to tousle our hair and suggest backrubs or offer to coach us on wrestling moves. We had to swim the same shark-infested waters as young women. So yes, we’ll keep our contact at an a level appropriate to the sad state of humanity. But don’t try to tell us we just don’t get it.