And about social status (in many cultures, titles of respect get transferred from one spouse to the other, with the appropriate modifiers to indicate if someone got it from their spouse or by other means; note that the transferring spouse specifically doesn’t need to be a man), and about property, and about raising the kids together, and about the respective parents being available for advice but generally welcome to not stick their nose where they aren’t invited…
Yeah, it’s about being one household. You don’t need to chop each strawberry in half but most people would consider it real weird if there were separate strawberries budgets.
I see no reason to judgmental towards the OP. If both they and their mother have a problem with the husband, then who am I to say they are wrong? I don’t know their situation. The husband could be a total jerk for all I know.
It is also not remotely unreasonable to assume that, if both their names are on something, then they will both use it, and thus both read what you have to say. It is even more reasonable when they are the type of couple that shares everything.
In general, I would say just to talk to her anyways when you need to. But since this involves a situation where your mom doesn’t want him involved, and you aren’t too worried about the relationship between you and your sister anyways, I’d just say tell her, politely, that you have some stuff you need to talk to her privately about, and let her set up the way to do so. Call her, and tell her that mom wants this to be for her daughters only.
Then leave it up to her whether or not she talks to her husband about it. You did your part.
Maybe that’s not the best advice. I admit I don’t have personal experience with this. But it’s what I think I would do.
I think the Op is also disturbed by what he feels is a sucker financial relationship.
Let’s take it the other way: My brother is an intelligent, professional man in his mid 50s. His wife, 10 years his junior, hasn’t worked since before he met him in the mid 1980s so, apart from some money she inherited from her late father, she has not contributed financially to the partnership. She is living better on his earnings than she had ever done before.
Doesn’t seem so odd taken that way, now does it? The world has changed, the man is no longer always the breadwinner. Sometimes he’s the house-husband.