Weirdo resumes.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

[QUOTE=whiterabbit]
Previous employees have apparently not either learned to write legible English, or to learn the alphabet, or to even bother to look and see if there’s already a card on that dog because there’s three of them, in different handwriting that they obviously made instead of bothering to look to see if there was one already. And my boss hates paperwork, so she made the cards my job.

I can’t wait until everything’s ready and I can start putting all of them into the computer and I won’t have to search through those damn cards every day anymore, but I admit part of me rather enjoys getting them straight.
[/QUOTE]
Do you really believe that moving the cards to the computer will stop repeat entries, illegible entries, and general laziness and stupidity?

82

[QUOTE=dalej42]
I’ve got to link to Resumania in this thread.

I love that website.
[/QUOTE]

I just spent half an hour on that site- hilarious!

83

[QUOTE=dalej42]
I’ve got to link to Resumania in this thread.
[/QUOTE]
Ha! Third click: “TECHNICAL SKILLS: PlayStation 2.”

Maybe it’s a this generation thing. (We’re boned.)

84

[QUOTE=Joey P]
Recently I looked over an application, in the general things category she put “Was a vegan for a year, interested in Veganism, Vegetarianism, Altertantive Medicine, Alternative Birthing” (maybe a few more similar things). For Position wanted (and the position we were hiring for) “Cashier”

Well those things are all well and good, but I’m not sure they really apply here.
[/QUOTE]

I don’t know, Joey. At least you could rest assured she wouldn’t be off dressing an elk when she should be manning the till.

85

Elk are a pain to dress. They’re very vain and can’t stand to look anything less than their best, so they’re always changing their mind about what to wear.

86

Back when I was foolish enough to actually accept a management position, I ran an ad in the local paper:

Advertising. Outside sales rep. Verifiable 2 years field experience required. Long-haired freaky people need not apply.* Submit resume to CCU, P. O. Box 000, SLC UT etc …

Third person to apply brought her resume in person. Showed some initiative, actually, cause there was no contact info in the ad other than the P. O. Box.

Highlights:

Experience: None. I just graduated from high school last week.
Previous Employers: None that are germane to this position.
Skills: 3 years on the [Name of School] Debate Team. We took State this year.
Hobbies / Special Interests: Trying to change my image as a long-haired freaky person.

Okay, she piqued my curiosity. I set up an interview with her. Hired her after 10 minutes. Within 3 weeks, I had 11 of her fellow debate team members working for me. One kick-ass sales team.

Over time, some personnel left - and having to go through the ordeal of replacing them taught me just how extremely-very-just-plain-dumb-lucky I got with those first twelve kids.

Nowadays, I have found my “niche” as a Professional Driver. I have one standard reply every time someone suggests to me that I should be promoted back into a management position:

Never, not in the entire cumulative history of civilization, have they ever printed and stockpiled enough money to get me to accept a management position again.

:smiley:

Lucy

*It was a nod at this song. Which was popular at the time. Which kinda dates this tale. I was actually trying to attract independent thinkers. Reverse psychology and all that. Worked. For a while, at least.

87

[QUOTE=sturmhauke]
Elk are a pain to dress. They’re very vain and can’t stand to look anything less than their best, so they’re always changing their mind about what to wear.
[/QUOTE]
“Does this blouse make my antlers look fat? Be honest.”

88

[QUOTE=LucyInDisguise]
… Long-haired freaky people need not apply.*
[/QUOTE]
Did she tuck all her hair up under her hat when she went in to ask you why? :wink:

89

[QUOTE=Spoons]
Did she tuck all her hair up under her hat when she went in to ask you why? :wink:
[/QUOTE]

Huhn, imagine that, her, working for him.

90

[QUOTE=Larry Mudd]
Ha! Third click: “TECHNICAL SKILLS: PlayStation 2.”

Maybe it’s a this generation thing. (We’re boned.)
[/QUOTE]

Hey, I’ve listed my Playstation 2 skills on my resume before!

Granted, I was applying for a position as a video game tester…

91

Five Man Electrical Band was from Ottawa. [/who cares]

92

The funniest CV I ever got where I work was this perfect CV, the guy had got all A1s in his Leaving Certificate (ie was very smart and/or very hard working), had the necessary experience, the perfect candidate…

except he forgot to include his contact details. It just had his name on it, no address nor phone number nor email.

93

[QUOTE=Danalan]
Do you really believe that moving the cards to the computer will stop repeat entries, illegible entries, and general laziness and stupidity?
[/QUOTE]

No, but it’s better stupidity when it’s alphabetized!

94

A couple of years ago we advertised for a temp. One of the more memorable applications had the young lady’s email address in bold before even her name: pissonmeangel@
Now you’ve gotta love the professionalism there!

95

[QUOTE=Frank]
Five Man Electrical Band was from Ottawa. [/who cares]
[/QUOTE]

I love Tesla.
Just for the record.
I care.

96

My coworker reviews resumes for programming technical skill (after they’ve been weeded of people sending resumes from overseas :confused: )

This round hasn’t been hilariously funny, but has included the standard “I believe I would be an asset to XYZ Widget Manufacturers”, which is great except we’re ABC Software. (Not a barrier to interviewing if your CV is otherwise good, actually).

This last one included a guy who seemed to have the right degree, but started his technical abilities list with Word and Excel. For some reason he also felt it important to mention, in addition to his high school/junior high education, his elementary school.

97

[QUOTE=Harriet the Spry]

Weirdest resume/ application I ever saw, and I saw it repeatedly, for every job we posted, was from Extreme Detail Man. He had held many low-level jobs for short periods of time. He got the concept of action verbs. However, every job was described like: Cooked burger. Put burger on bun. Put pickle on burger. Put onions on burger. Put lettuce on burger. Wrapped sandwich. Put sandwich in bag. Took money from customer. Gave change to customer.

Imagine 20 pages of that.

[/QUOTE]

At least he didn’t use complete sentences or you’d probably be looking at 50 pages.

98

I posted this on a long-ago thread, but I think it is worth repeating.

A collection of cover letter and resume “bloopers”. The applicants were applying for a research editor position at a parenting publication.

The I spel real good category:
*I would laik to apply for the position as Research Editor.
*As a former Reasearch Editor and Technical Writer…
*I create good repore with writers.
*I am an experienced and wiley researcher.

Unclear on the concept:
*I am very interested in your job opportunity. I am a dedicated stay at home mother.
*Objective: An engaing position with a non-profit organization [also a contender for the spelling category]

How nice for you:
*I collect facts like some people collect state plates, velvet paintings and clowns; however, my hobby gathers no dust or
derision.
*I ENJOY EDITING, I OFTEN EDIT THE NEWSPAPER FOR RELAXATION (the entire, very long cover letter was all caps–ugh)
*I am also the mom of a toddler turning 2 on 02-02-02 (pretty cool, huh?!)
*I’m a great face, voice, communicator and worker.
*At the age of nineteen, I was promoted to manager of Baskin Robbins Ice Cream Store.
*I have 2 children (girl 10, boy 16) who have turned out rather well, so far- or so the neighbors tell me. Before having kids I never felt the tugging need to procreate but I surprised my wife and myself by turning into an pretty good dad. So, I have the experience thing going for me when it comes to turning this knowledge into a job.

Duh!:
*As the downturn in the economy continues, it’s imperative to have qualified individuals onboard to ensure company stability and continued success.

Ways to impress a prospective employer:
*Must I be so bold as to say I am exactly what you are looking for? Well, yes, I must.
*This job appeals to me because … I could ride my bike to work.

Huh?
*I am closely parenting my children, 7 and 9, minding the details and optimizing the desirabilities since conception.
*The exposure from helping expected mothers and the research I learned from that has imprinted my essential to share with others the myths, facts, stories of joy and fear of bringing up a child/children.
*I hope you’ll do some original research of your own and ask me to an interview. Perhaps we can exchange techniques?
*I don’t let deadlines pass by with whooshing sounds.

99

[QUOTE=DellieM]
A couple of years ago we advertised for a temp. One of the more memorable applications had the young lady’s email address in bold before even her name: pissonmeangel@
Now you’ve gotta love the professionalism there!
[/QUOTE]

I’ve mentioned here and there that I work for our family tax representation firm. I was looking through the book of California Enrolled Agents for Southern CA, which lists their name, their address, their phone, and their email.

So this one guy, I fucking kid you not, had his email as: “DoMDaDDy6969@whatever.com” (or something in that vain).

I laughed and laughed. Then I laughed some more.

100

[QUOTE=CanvasShoes]
The strangest, and saddest resume I got (It sure didn’t look like a joke, but then I can be naive). It was written in longhand and was about three pages. It was from a guy in an economically disadvantaged country. He told how he worked in a shoe factory and had to ride his bike to get there and how he was supporting his entire family (mom, dad sisters) on his income.
[/QUOTE]

Bless his heart.

I had one co-worker tell me about a handwritten resume she’d gotten once. It was for a graphic artist position and was apparently a work of art. Calligraphy, centering, you had to take a second look to see it wasn’t created on a computer.

I had one young kid who applied for a sales position. For salary, he put “minimum wage.”

Sorry, sweetie, that’s not quite how sales works.