Welcome to Hernia City, population Me.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

<blues riff>

Woke up yesterday mornin’
And it kinda hurt to pee
I said I woke up yesterday mornin’
And it kinda hurt to pee
But it wasn’t really that bad so I
Didn’t spend a lot of time wonderin’ what it could be.

Then I woke up this mornin’
And the pain was ten times worse
Yeah I
Woke up this mornin’
And the pain had gotten ten times worse
Plus a big swollen blob in my groin, yeah
It told me I was suffering circumstances adverse.

<blows on harmonica>

Ow.

Okay, no blowing on the harmonica, I guess. Sorry, boys, the song’s over.

So, anyway, yesterday, I thought something might be wrong, but it didn’t seem too bad, like a muscle strain or something. I was very busy yesterday, running various errands in preparation for a trip to the Caribbean next week. All told, I probably wound up walking four or five miles, and felt fine.

This morning, though: whoo baby. I wake up to a dull ache, like the feeling ten minutes after getting hit in the nuts, except it’s constant, not fading away. Plus, on tentative exploration, the walnut-sized lump at the crease where belly meets thigh. Which hurts when I touch it. A lot.

Sleepiness is gone. I’m immediately awake, wondering what’s going on.

“What is this?” my inner voice asks. "What could this be?

"Well, let’s run down the possibilities.

"Could it be… cancer? Big swollen bulge, like a tumor?

"No, probably not. You had a clean bill of health at your physical a year ago, and a tumor this big probably wouldn’t grow overnight.

"Okay, well, what about …

"CANCER?

"No, stop that. It’s not cancer.

"Okay, well, how about, CANCER?

"Stop that, I said! It’s not cancer. Think of something else.

"Well, then, maybe CANCER.

"It’s not cancer, I said.

"Fine. What if CANCER.

"Knock it off!

"Okay, okay.

"You through?

"Yeah.

"Good.

"CANCER.

“Don’t make me come in there.”

So after a couple of minutes of that, I started considering other options, and remembered that my 90-year-old grandfather had surgery a few months ago to repair a hernia. That sounds plausible, I thought.

A few minutes later, I was on my way to the emergency room to either have that self-diagnosis confirmed (and get more information about it), or to see if there’s something else it could be.
CANCER … Stop that!
The doc listens to my symptoms, takes a look, takes a poke (OW), and says, yep, you got yourself a hernia.

So that’s the good news. Routine medical condition, with routine treatment.

The irritating part: I wasn’t really doing anything to bring on the condition. I wasn’t lifting, or straining, or exerting myself significantly. Sure, I walked a bunch yesterday, and I’m sure that didn’t help, but it’s not like I was moving a piano.

And the really sucky part: Did you catch that offhand mention of the Caribbean vacation next week?

Yeah. Probably gonna have to cancel that.

I’m supposed to talk to my regular doctor first thing tomorrow morning to see about a surgical referral. (I called her service, but another doc in her office was on call.) Updates to follow.

2

Kill the damn blues. Let me have a guitar and one harmonica, playing “Streets of Laredo,” in G. Ready?

Cervais is ailin’ on our fair web site;
Constantly achin’, like he might have done
Some insult to fair ladies who I think just might
Be expert in some martial art like Wing Chun.

So give the man’s gonads some time to recover;
These things, they need time to get better and heal
Hernias need to be pushed by strong shovers
Back to where they can relax and congeal.

Let’s bind up the muscle, and then let’s all hustle
To bring Cervais pain-killers mais non pareil,
And cheer the man bearing the brunt of a whole sex’s
Sins, 'cause the Lord knows he’s
Not bad at all.

3

Thank you, sir. You honor me with your lyrical dexterity.

Update: Surgical consult scheduled in 90 mins. It’s possible I’ll be under the knife by supper.

4

Update: Well before supper, actually.

The surgeon took a look, and a couple of pokes, and said, “Yeah, we’re going to operate on you pretty much immediately.”

He tells me to get dressed, then goes out to talk to his nurse, and I hear him giving instructions to clear his calendar and get me into the OR ASAP. “Emergent situation” was the phrase, I think.

That was around 11:30. I was in surgery by 2pm.

Luckily, they were able to do the whole thing laproscopically, but it doesn’t mean it was easy; I had a “lot of tissue” protruding, including a partially strangulated intestine (the reason for the urgency, apparently). Woke up feeling like I’d been stabbed in the gut (which I had) and tumbled in a cement mixer (no confirmation on that one).

Two days later, I’m weak, but recovering. And the good news, my surgeon is recommending that I not cancel the Caribbean trip, that I should be able to handle the flight, and that it’ll be a nice opportunity to get away from everything and really, really rest. As long as I don’t swim or bike or anything like that.

Woot! Ow. Sorry, no wooting for a while.

5

Damn, Cervaise. That’s quite a sequence of unfortunate events.

Get better soon.

6

Did they get the cancer?

7

We were wondering where you were last night! Didn’t see this thread until today.

Sorry you’re feeling crappy, but I’m glad you won’t have to cancel your trip! Take it easy and we’ll (hopefully) see you in a couple of weeks.

Did they at least give you some good drugs?

8

Quick recommendation?
I suggest you re-think the whole spandex Speedo decision…

9

A loop of intestine is now up around my lung area in my chest cavity. My doc called it a paraesophageal (sp) hernia.

We are going to fix it in May. He said that *this *operation was going to be quite painful! :eek: As opposed to all the fun I had with the others…

Glad that your op worked out! Good luck recovering. Sending healing thoughts your way!

10

shut up shut up shut up shut up

11

Sorry about your pain, but I just have to ask what it is with men and going to the doctor? Seriously, if it hurt to pee – I would be at the doctor within the hour. Honestly. Does your scrotum have to grow ears before you think you need to see a doctor? I just don’t get it.

12

I glad you didn’t have to cancer your trip.

13

Brilliant, Zebra!

14

Not so fast…

15

If this happened to me, I would probably think about going to see a doctor.

Speedy recovery, Cancer Boy. Enjoy the tropics.

16

My ex was the same way. It hurt for her to have sex and she have very painful periods and she felt a LUMP! She would call for an appointment after serious pestering by me. Then she said they didn’t have any for two months. When asked if she mentioned the lump she said no, so I made her call back and mention it. They found time for her that afternoon.

It’s not a ‘man’ thing by any streach.

17

Well, I learned today that I’ve been walking around for the last couple of weeks (periodically going “Ow!”) with a broken collarbone. I’m feeling sort of sheepish because my Wikipedia diagosis (separated shoulder) didn’t pan out.

18

Hey, everyone knows the balls have ears.

19

Don’t highlight this unless you want to ruin one of lifes little pleasures.

[spoiler]
I got my hernia taking a shit. I wasn’t really even straining much. Just sitting there - gave a little push and ‘blahh bloop’ a blob emerged - Right where Cervaise described. Weird! I thought.

I had hernia surgery two days later and am now fine. but every time I tell that story, people get all paranoid about pooping. [/spoiler]

20

Speaking of which:[spoiler]It’s two days after my surgery and I haven’t pooped yet.

I’m afraid.[/spoiler]