I went out on the front porch to sneak a cigarette at 4am this morning.
I stepped on a slug.
Didn’t get that cigarette, either. It just didn’t appeal to me very much after that.
That’ll teach me.
That’ll teach the slug, also.
(visualises slug puffing on tiny little roll-up when this big ol’ foot comes down like Monty Python).
I see some marketing potential here.
“Stop smoking in only 30 days. No pills. No patches. No gum. Just drop a few in your favorite smoking spot and ‘squish’, the craving is gone.”
"Call now and we’ll include an extra 30 slugs for just the cost of the shipping and handling. "
“But wait!. There’s more. Get the free bug-be-gone spot remover for only $2.00 more.”
Did it squish between your toes, or were you wearing socks?
…or did it squish through the fabric, too?
I went out there barefoot. I should have been wearing my flip-flops.
Yeah, Least Original User Name Ever. It squished between my toes and all over the bottom/sides of my foot.
Oh, and you know the bleach water that you plunge your foot into trying to clean it all off? Well, it makes it WORSE.
Somehow.
More slimy and gooey than it was originally.
Good Og, I was a wreck.
I finally got it washed off with some serious scrubbing, lots of soap, the aforementioned bleach water…and some 409!
I’ve got the cleanest foot in the county!
You know what’s worse than stepping on a slug at 4am?
Rolling over in bed at 4am and feeling that squish between your cheek and the pillow.
Yeah, it was over 10 years ago now and I still have flashbacks…
Somewhere in the hive-mind of slugs, a murky thought develops:
“Og, we hate smokers…!” 
You should quit smoking entirely now. Or that slug will have died in vain.
And now I’ll spend the next 10 years having nightmares.
So… I shouldn’t go into detail about the “pressed flower slug between pillow and mattress” experience, or the “hand in letterbox” experience, or the "virgin slug sacrifice experience’ then?
Man, I thought I had it bad when I swallowed a fly once…
In college, we had a frat house that was next to the bio building. The frat got kicked off campus (Long story) and the bio building moved.
And the Brazilian cockroaches got loose at some point and decided the frat house smelled yummy.
I moved into the ex-frat house the first year it was student dorms. There’s nothing quite like going to take a shower in the tiled shower room of moistness and not-quite seeing the three inch long very warm roach that you step on, it goes sliding, and you go sliding.
It’s not that the roaches werent’ bad, it was the locker-room showers that made them worse.
You need to find a spider now.
Now, for no particular reason, I’m tempted to invent the nicotine patch slug. One way or another, you’ll give up the smoking.
You know, this reminds me of that How Clean is Your House episode I was watching on BBCAmerica yesterday, when the nice British ladies moved the crazy bird lady’s couch and all underneath it was a solid net of slug trails, all over the carpet.
I don’t know why this reminds me of that, but it does.
I hate slugs. Snails, too. They’re just slugs in RVs.
It would feel weird if a slug was crawling into your ear.
KHHAAAAAAAN!
STOP!!! Ohgodohgodohgodohgod. That movie (well, that part of that movie) terrified me as a child! To make it worse, I somehow got the idea that those were “earwigs”, and so whenever Mom said she’d found an earwig in the bathroom, I’d sleep in earmuffs. Seriously.
You can’t be too safe, remember the kid with SPIDERS in his ear???
What I can’t imagine is having aphids in my ears. They leave waste a byproduct, honeydew, all over my tree leaves and it’s brown and unsightly. What if you had so much honeydew in your ears that it piled up, got heavy and you couldn’t hear well anymore.