As an insomniac I have spent many long nights awake after being interrupted while finally hitting the verge of sleep. Once that moment is gone, it is gone.
Anyway, what is the novel new reason I got snapped out of drift off time tonight? Freakin’ rat doing laps in my toilet.
Last night I heard the scratching of a mouse(I thought), and grudgingly climbed out of bed to set the traps. Then just as I got near sleep again, SNAP!!. but it missed. All I could do was reset it and go back to bed, finally getting a generous 2 hours of sleep.
I kind of forgot about that today, and being tired as hell went to bed early. Just as dream time started I was snapped out of it.
My mind slowly took stock of the real world.
That sound is unusual at night.
That sound is alarming.
That sound is water.
There should be no water sounds in the house at night.
Shit, blown pipe? Get the hell out of bed and check it out.
Sound coming from bathroom.
Sound coming from toilet.
Lights on and… Freakin rat splashing in the toilet!
Searching for relevant experience files… No files found!
Improvise.
Flush toilet?
No, might clog things up.
Slam lid, throw full hamper on it, and wait for full consciousness?
Yeah let’s do that.
So I went outside and smoked, and reviewed my options. Having no wheelbarrow, I decided on my most relevant assets.
Heavy boots(don’t want no nasty toilet rat biting my toes)
35 gallon trash can-empty
reachy-grabby I keep around for when my back goes out
So I closed the bathroom removed the hamper and joined battle. My reachy-grabby only has about a 3/4 inch length that seemed suitable for rat grabbing, with most of the arms being wide apart. My first strike seemed promising, I grabbed him I thought. Nope, he screeched, twirled, and headed up the device. Instinctively I wrist-flipped him off and he arced into the trashcan. I slammed the lid and put it out on the back porch. I can’t think of any humane way to execute him right now, so there he will sit till morning.
It is surprising(and kind of depressing) how much adrenaline gets pumping for a goddamn rat fallen in the toilet. Which means, a long-long time till sleep again.
I had something in my garage, asked Orkin and it went like this
Me: I put peanut butter on the traps
Him: And they just licked it off without triggering the traps, right?
Me:Exactly
Him:Use a Snickers or Milkyway or something. Something you can really wedge into the bait cup so they really have to work at it and get up there and stand on the trigger to get it out.
Works like a charm. Also, I use these. The BIG ones, for rats. All I caught were a bunch of mice that I was probably attracting into the garage with all the candy. I suppose it was a win though since the “rat” that I had been chasing all week, when I finally did catch up to it, turned out to be a opossum. I’m glad I didn’t catch that in a rat trap.
Anyways, break off a chunk of a some kind of gooey candy bar or something, you’ll catch em that way.
Oh, and when I did end up (later on) with another opossum in the garage, I put a 1x4 board leading up to a garbage can with some dog food or something going up the wood and the thing walking right up it and fell in. An angry opossum staring back at me from the bottom of a small kitchen garbage can wasn’t a pretty sight. Luckily, they really do play dead and seem to be terrified of people so it stayed pretty still while I pushed it out to the street and knocked of the garbage can. I’d rather have to deal with a opossum then a racoon.
Maybe I should spread news of the toilet rat. I just got my yearly tax assessment from the county and my house is 24% better than it was last year. WTF? I know many people live in places where houses double overnight, but this is Michigan, houses don’t go up here, and they certainly don’t appreciate 24% in one damn year. I’d like to go to the bitch and whine meeting and tell them that last year I had 0 toilet rats, and this year I had 1. My property tax value should go way down on that factor alone.
So, how did you outfit that cannon on your squirrel anyway? Shoulder holster? Cowboy-rig?
I’m guessing the shotgun you gave it was an auto, although the sight of a squirrel trying to operate a Winchester lever while riding a motorcycle Terminator Style seems like it would be funny.
“Hey, who you callin’ Little? That’s Mr. Stuart to You!!!”
