I’m interested in people’s experiences of being raised by a clinically depressed parent, particularly a father. I’d also be interested in any research or other information on the impact on children.
Please feel free to email me privately if you’d rather not post in public.
I apologize that I feel unable to explain right now why I want to know, but any responses would be greatly appreciated.
Ummm, well, yeah, a very depressed father. Mean, bitter and frustrated, too.
Whaddaya wanna know?
Yeah – but it had less of an effect on me than my bipolar mother did.
Well, aside from my continuing fascination with emotionally unavailable men. :rolleyes:
Feel free to email me if you’d like to ask some kind of specific questions.
Well, my father was an alcoholic, but not clinically depressed, AFAICT. My mother, however, gave all indication of being bipolar. Feel free to email me if I can help you with anything.
My father has been depressed for a long time. I didn’t recognize it as such until the past few years. Feel free to email me with any questions.
Mostly he refrained from public interaction beyond what was mandatory for survival. he could go to the grocery store or mall, and carried himself well enough in anonymous public settings like a ball game (he would sit quietly), but did all he could to remain invisible. He was exceptionally short-tempered, but a really nice guy otherwise. Loved to work & become absorbed in a project, great sense of humor. I have become like this as well, but I can’t say for sure it’s because of him beyond the observation that my male role model showed little emotion. I have my own depression issues mixed in with some others.
HIS dad was likely depressed as well but drank a lot and was abusive and altogether unmourned when he died. 2 of Grampaw’s 5 children are convicted felons, another is a professional pilot, another a housewife, and another was my dad. When the 6-fingered man came for my father, we found it to be a tremendous loss.
My son is 6 and is having a difficult time with self-esteem which is manifest as a rather strong Napoleon complex, but has the charisma to back it up–his teacher is at her wit’s end, but I’m not sure she wasn’t already there when she met him. The more social power he gains, the more fiercely he guards it. I seem to be the only one who can really reach him and he’s admitted that he tries to contol situations so that he can feel special. To the casual observer it seems obvious that he’s compensating for being ignored at home (he is not, but HIS perception of reality is all that matters to him). But as one who is painfully reminded of his own boyhood by this little guy, I can only say that he’s begun to recognize the same demons that his fathers have tried, with varying degrees of success, to stare down.
As the father of the 4th generation (as far as I know) of depression, I face the probably hopeless fight to make my boy understand that his perception is not entirely accurate. As I watch him develop as a person, much of what I want to explain to him sounds a lot like talks my old man had with me. Maybe it will help that mine is the first generation that is allowed to recognize and address depression & sundry psychoses, but I don’t believe seeing the demon will be of much assistance in defeating it.
My point is, I’m willing to say it’s a chain that can’t be broken. Not while the male line remains unbroken at least, and even that may have little effect if it’s an inherited brain chemistry. And that depression will manifest itself in some form–terminally bummed out, violent, withdrawn…whatever.
I’m still getting raised but…
My dad is/was depressed and is an alcoholic. I’m not really sure now what’s up with him though, I don’t exactly have a relationship with my dad at all.
What all do you want to know?
Inigo, it’s great to see you back.
In regards to the depressive father, I have not a doubt in my mind that my dad would be diagnosed with a mental illness if only he were prepared to seek professional help about it.
I only came to think along those lines in regards to my dad when I myself was diagnosed with depression approximately 4-5 years ago. Being diagnosed really makes you look at your upbringing in a completely different perspective and makes you more aware of why you are the way you are.
I really love my dad and I’m sure he has never intentionally or consciously tried to have the impact he has had, but he is an extremely negative person which over the course of 24 years (when I was first diagnosed), has really taken its toll.
My oldest brother is also a lot like my dad in terms of negativity, and as a result of this, I made a conscious decision approximately 2 years ago to keep him out of my life as much as possible. If it wasn’t for the fact he is the father of my 2 nieces and 2 nephews, I would have no desire or need to see him at all.
My father was an alcoholic. I think he would have been diagnosable as depressed had he sought treatment. Depression, alcoholism, and bipolar disorder run rampant on his side of the fambly.
I guess I’m interested in the impact of a depressed but otherwise good father (not alcoholic, cares about his effect on the child, etc).
TastesLikeBurning touched on one of the issues I’m thinking of when he(?) said:
If I may ask, was your mother a negative person? If she was more positive, did it help provide balance, or do negative emotions just seem to win?
Inigo Montoya’s discussion of a chain of depression is also interesting to me. Do you think it would be equally modelled to a daughter?
Thank you to everyone who’s posted so far. To those of you who said I could e-mail you, I will probably be doing so in the next few days.
I just want to add that my father was a very good father. He adored his children, took a real interest in all of our lives, and was a positive, generous man. His death at age 65 has, so far, been the biggest tragedy of my life. He was an alcoholic, but he cared very much.
Thank you for your clarification. I apologize if you felt what I wrote was insulting to your dad.
You weren’t. I realized after you posted that I had really left that pretty up in the air.
I hope your research leads you to a conclusion that you can live with. 
TastesLikeBurning 
I ain’t even gonna speculate! 
My father has never been formally diagnosed as having clinical depression, but I’m quite sure he did. He had a lot of childhood trauma, and I think he felt a lot of grief he was not allowed to express. He was an excellent, if occasionally distant, father. I think the greatest reason he was such a good dad is because he was determined to prove he would be a better dad to us than his step-father was to him. Anyway, mom covered for him a lot, so with a few exceptions of the times he’d just disappear, I didn’t realize he was depressed. I suppose I was self-centered, as most children are, so my dad’s problems didn’t get much help from me. Interestingly, I don’t think he’s suffered a depressive episode since he got religion about 15 years ago.
My father’s had clinical depression since his 30’s (which he still refuses to get treated…he’s now 50…because he’s afraid he’d appear “weak”). We had some hard times but he’s been a great dad despite it. We had a lot going against us financially which didn’t help his depression. He is extremely smart, with Mensa level intelligence, as was his father; I’m not sure whether this is somehow a factor or not, as I never inherited any of the brains 
) Coincidentally his father also had it for the majority of his life, and I’ve had it since I was 7 (it wasn’t taken seriously by doctors till I was 16 :rolleyes: ) and I’ve been treated on and off since.
While I don’t feel his own depression made an impression on me growing up, it’s apparent that whatever chemical imbalance there is certainly was hereditary.
Likewise. If it wasn’t depression my father was dealing with, then I suppose he was just miserable. I wouldn’t say he exhibited the typical signs of depression, though. He would still carry on with his normal daily routines, such as work (until he retired), eating, walking the dogs, and yard maintenance, that sort of thing. He seems to have become slightly less depressed over the last 5 years or so, if that’s even possible. Perhaps after moving to Florida, the near-constant sunshine has improved his mood.
Consequently, my sister has been on Prozac and other various antidepressants for the past ten years, after she was diagnosed. She’s still taking one to date, I’m just not sure which one. I have also been on Paxil and Effexor for bouts of anxiety and depression that I’ve had.
Also, if I may add: my father is a kind man with a good heart. Perhaps one thing that depression doesn’t really affect is one’s sense of moral values, but IANAMD so I don’t really know. And he’s never gone to the doctor (that I’m aware of) for treatment.
Depression and alcoholism sometimes go together. Here is a link to one of the many spin-offs from AA, for adult children of alcoholics.