What am I, a maid? (tame and lame)

The BBQ Pit
1

My dad has long made fun of my cleaning habits. Apparently, they’re just not up to scratch. Last time he visited, he said it looked like I and my husband were still living in college. This coming from the guy whose mom ironed his underpants and undershirts for him after every wash (one of the many reasons he and my mom divorced - he expected that once his mom wasn’t around to iron his underpants, my mom would be more than happy to do so).

Anyway, when I pointed out that most of the crap laying about was my husband’s my dad countered with, “Well, you’re the wife.” Apparently us wimmins come with a French maid uniform and cap, complete with cleaning neuroses (oh, yeah and a voracious sexual appetite and a penchant for wearing high heels during sex, but dad and I didn’t talk about that part). And if my husband is incapable of cleaning his shit and I refuse to pick it up for him, I ought to be ashamed of my housekeeping skills.

Jesus, what the fuck am I? A maid? And what about my husband? He’s not a child, nor is he disabled. He’s more than capable of cleaning up his own shit, and will, but in his own time. It’s not like we’re living in filth. There’s no food out, old or otherwise, cat boxes are cleaned every day, kitchen every night and bathroom every weekend.

Anyway, dad’s visiting tonight. The house is nearly spotless, thanks to my and my husband’s efforts. If I hear a peep about my housekeeping skills or lack thereof, the shit is going to hit the fan.

What really got my goat, though, was the “Well, you’re a wife comment.” What fucking century is he stuck in anyway?

All right then. Sorry 'bout the lame, pre-emptive rant. Now I’m off to wash the dishes, take out the recycling and trash and stock up on booze.

2

I’m not defending your dad’s attitude, but keep in mind that in his generation that attitude was pretty prevalent. From what you’ve said about his mother ironing his underwear, it sounds like that’s pretty much what he was brought up to believe.

Since he’s your dad, and since he doesn’t live with you all the time (for which I’m sure you’re very grateful), why not cut him a little slack.

3

I feel your pain. My MIL is the same way. She thinks it’s the wife’s job to take care of her husband, sons, etc. I was at their house for dinner one night right after we got engaged. My future-husband had just gotton a job where he had to wear dress shirts and a tie. MIL had been washing and ironing his shirts despite the fact that he was 22.

She looked at me and said, “Well, you’ll have to learn to do the laundry and iron dress shirts once you’re married.” I looked her directly in the eye and said, “I’ve been doing my own laundry since I was 13 and if Gary wants clean dress shirts for work, he can wash and iron them himself.”

She was stunned. But she didn’t say a word. I haven’t had a problem with her since. We’ve been married 12 years.

Good luck with your dad. Only thing I can think of to say to him if he picks on how you keep you house is something to the effect of, “Dad, if you think you can do it better, I’m more than happy to let you prove it to me. If not, let it go.”

4

I’ll call your MIL and Father and raise you a Mother, all anti-feminists.

The Mother: After I got my BS in Engineering: “Why don’t you get a real job–as a secretary?”

The Father: After I got my PhD in Engineering and an Assistant Professorship at a University: “It’s your fault that your brother is unemployed. You have taken the job of a man with a PhD, who now takes the job of a man with a MS, who now takes the job of a man with a BS, who now takes the job of your brother the drunken carpenter.” He left out the drunken part though.

The MIL: too many instances to pick out the best :rolleyes:

My husband is the best though, so overall no complaints in the long run :cool:

5

Perhaps you should point out that if your brother had a job, he could support you, so you could be sitting around eating bon bons all day instead of having to go out and work in his place?

Sheesh. It’s good to be reminded how lucky I am.

Daniel

6

Well, sinjin, you’ve certainly put my particular problem in perspective for me! Your MIL sounds absolutely nuts.

7

[homer]ummmmmmm bon bons[/homer]

What the hell is a bon bon anyway? And why would I want to eat them. BTW the above was by no means a dis on stay at home mom’s. Did that for several years when my kidlings were small and it was the toughest job I’ve ever done. Also not a dis on secretaries, I could never put up with the shit they put up with from the assorted faculty members I work with. Talk about a thankless job :mad:

8

Oh, I know, sin jin–my mom was stay-at-home for part of my childhood, and I’d never dis either type of mom for the type of work they choose.

And when I was a kid, I had a teacher who gave us these puffy peppermint candies that she called bonbons, so that’s how I always think of them. I could go for some of them right now.

Daniel

9

Bon-bons.

10

This sounds just like my dad, except that mom is happy to iron his gotch. Personally, I think they’re both nuts.

Back when I lived with them, if mom would go out of town, when dad would get home he’d ask what’s for dinner. I asked him once why I had to make dinner and he said “Because you’re the woman.” Totally free of irony, I might add.

We struck a compromise - one night I would cook, the next he would take us both out. However, the only reason this worked is because I have no problem eating: a) nothing, b) pudding, c) smores for dinner, and he can’t cook. So, if he didn’t want S’mores, pudding or nothing for dinner, he was going to have to compromise. :slight_smile: (He actually tries very hard to be enlightened, so I try not to give him to hard of a time.)

11

I recently read a study that said SAHMs do work equivalent to that of three full-time jobs. In other words, most SAHMs put in the same effort per hour as someone who works 40 hours a week, only they put in that effort for 120 hours, plus they’re on-call 24 hours a day, 7 days week. I’m always impressed by people who can keep up with children all day.

12

Cite?

I don’t want to disparage the work a SAHM does, but the whole “three full-time jobs” makes me think that somebody took 24 hours a day, divided by the standard 8 hour workday, and came up with three “full-time jobs”. Again, I don’t think that SAHM moms are loafing; it’s real work, and a lot more than 40 hours a week. I’m just suspicious of the convenience of the numbers.

13

Why is it that people who believe that never say a word about what the man’s job is?

If a woman wants to stay at home, that’s great. If she wants to work, fine. What I don’t get is people who believe the wife should stay at home and be domestic never dare to suggest that, if a woman’s job is to stay at home, then the man’s job is to do whatever he has to do to keep the family in a good standard of living — even to the point of working 2 jobs, if that’s what it takes.

It’s like the wife should do ALL the housework … and* if * her husband can’t provide for the family working 40 hours a week, then she should get a job to help out financially … and then come home and put in another 8 hour day taking care of the house.

Nobody ever says that the man should work 2 jobs if he has to. He’s on the hook for 40 hours a week, that’s it. If he can’t bring in a good income, it’s the wife’s duty to get a full time job too, and then be on call the other 128 hours of the week.

I don’t have a problem with the traditional “woman stay home, man provide” thing, if that’s what both parties want. I just think it’s odd that those who subscribe to that view are quick to spell out for the woman what her job is, but don’t expect the same amount of effort from the man to enable his woman to stay at home with the kids.

14

Great, now I’ve done gotten started.

In high school I had a teacher who was a very traditional type, a Mormon. Sometimes she had to work really late (we had a newspaper to get to the printer’s), so she’d be stuck at the school until midnight or so while her unsuccessful artist husband was at home with 3 of their kids.

He’d call her occasionally and bitch and moan about how she wasn’t home to cook dinner and how everyone was hungry. I asked her once if his arms were broken.

“Well, Abbie, I always thought it was my job to cook dinner.”

I sat there thinking “here you are supporting his sorry ass on a teacher’s salary so he can chase some fantasy when he’s perfectly capable of getting a real job and your kids could live with a much better standard of living, and he’s got the nerve to bitch about you not being home to fry hamburgers?”

:mad:

15

I’m not trying to pick a fight - we’re pretty much in agreement on the basics of your post - but I often do wonder why no one ever says, “If a man wants to stay home, great.” I mean, if the wife is willing to be the working-outside-the-home partner, why not? I know women sometimes get paid less than men do for the same jobs (although I’m hopeful that trend is passing) but wouldn’t the same rationale apply? So she can’t support a household on her salary alone, she should work two jobs, right?

I’m a woman, and I have a choice because I am a woman. I don’t think men get as fair a shake as we do.

I’m still not ironing anybody’s underwear, though :slight_smile:

16

THAT’S a bon-bon? I always thought they were talking about the ice cream kind. And I always wondered how they kept the damn things from melting while they were “laying around eating bon-bons all day”. I mean, you’re not exactly lazing if you have to keep going to the freezer for more bon-bons are you?

:smiley:

17

LoW: * I often do wonder why no one ever says, “If a man wants to stay home, great.” I mean, if the wife is willing to be the working-outside-the-home partner, why not?*

No reason why not. In fact, I know several couples who have done the salaried mom/stay-at-home-dad thing, and it worked out fine for them. The SAHD’s did get a lot of crap from ignorant/old-fashioned people about doing “women’s work”, though. :rolleyes:

Most couples I know who’ve had this arrangement haven’t made it permanent: instead, they switch off (he stays home when the first kid is little and then she does the same with the second kid, or vice versa) and when both kids are in school, then both parents are back to full-time paid employment.

18

You have my sympathy. I can’t imagine my Dad speaking to me like that. When my Dad made a joke like that in jest, I remember my Grandma telling me that in this day and age I don’t have to put up with it. And my fiance is to do half the work. I forget how cool my family is sometimes. :slight_smile:

19

My housekeeping skills are very similar to Overlyverbose’s. I have piles of books and magazines everywhere, and the beds are rarely made, but I don’t live in filth.

Anyway, mom has no problem openly criticizing my housekeeping skills. She’ll remark about how my baseboards or ceiling fans needs to be dusted, blah, blah, blah. My Grade A clean is her Grade C clean. You could literally eat off her garage floor because it’s so clean.

My brother hosted Christmas this year and his house was similar to mine - not immaculate but not filthy. And so I asked her why she was so openly critical of MY housekeeping but nary a word was ever said about my brother’s. And she said, “Because I can criticize my daughter, but not my daughter-in-law.”

See, even though my SIL works full time, mom still thinks the housekeeping is a reflection on the wife only.

20

I suspect my mom doesn’t think much of my cleaning habits, but if I gave her a call, she’d be over in a flash to help clean.

As for men and housework, we’re still working on that. I know very few men who do more than or equal housework as their spouses (most in their mid-thirties). Maybe in a couple of generations there will be no such thing as “women’s work.”