OK, so you hate comic strip Foo.'' What would be the Best Possible Last Foo’’ Strip?
MOMMA: Momma nags the children in frames 1 through 3. Enraged, they cut her head off in the last panel, stuff her with giblets and gravy, and bake her, well-trussed, in an greased ovenproof dish in her own oven. Afterward Francis chows down happily, but Tina isn’t very hungry and Thomas has to take a Tums.
SYLVIA: After typing some tedious smarmy male-bashing on the ol’ Underwood, Sylvia leans back with a sardonic smile and blows a big pink bubble, but one of the cats playfully pops it, and in surprise she gasps and inhales the whole gob. In the last panel Sylvia’s empurpling face becomes unrecognizable as she runs out of air. The cats argue using little signs over which of them gets to eat her when she’s dead.
GARFIELD: Garfield wakes up in a terrible mood and bites the car tire. Unfortunately his teeth get stuck, and Jon comes out and drives a coupla’ miles before he stops to investigate the weird thumping noise coming from the left rear wheel.
CATHY: Cathy has to get a double mastectomy. Irving, rallying to her side, turns out to have a heart of gold and the sensitivity and courage of a saint. But Cathy goes shopping for a new bathing suit and the saleslady just points at her chest and laughs. Distraught, Cathy tries to cut her throat with a paring knife. Her mother interrupts and insists on showing Cathy how it’s properly done. After the carnage, Cathy is wierdly calm and never again feels the urge to eat too much. She does becomes addicted to laxatives, however.
SALLY FORTH: While nuzzling on the couch and exclaiming how deep and strong their marriage is, Sally accidentally snaps off Ted’s plastic head. She can’t find the glue to stick it back on, so she’s forced to sell Hillary to a zoo in South Africa and move to Apt 3-G, where Margo sexually abuses her.
BOONDOCKS: Riley says something obnoxious in class, again. The Peurto Rican one desk over suddenly turns toward the little shit and strangles him silently and efficiently, afterwards stuffing the body into the trash can. After the janitor takes the wastebasket gingerly to the dumpster, class resumes with everyone smiling broadly. Meanwhile Huey falls down the front steps, hits his head on a lamppost, and becomes demented, which improves his poetry greatly.
9 CHICKWEED: Amos castrates himself and gives the glands to Edda in a silver keepsake locket necklace. Unfortunately the clumsy oaf dies of sepsis, and Edda is expelled by the nuns for wearing jewelry that emphasizes her cleavage.
SPIDERMAN: Spiderman is on crimefighting patrol in the dead of night in a bad part of town, while Mary Jane stays at home, worrying. Then, distracted by his tingling spider sense and some hairs being pulled by the elastic in his athletic supporter, Spidey steps into dog poop. A passing beat cop sees him and snickers. ``That’s it! I’ve had enough!’’ exclaims Parker, and he tears off the suit and mask in a rage, then strolls home in his underwear. Later we see him in his country estate, calm, tan, relaxed, painting and reading Austen, sipping Gallo rose as he phones Pat Buchanan to make a campaign contribution.
MARY WORTH: War sweeps over Santa Royale, and Mary is sold as a kitchen slave. Many years later she goes blind and partially deaf, and the strip ends up consisting of 5 blank white panels with humming noises (Mmmmmm-hmmmm? Mmmmmmm'' Ummmm? Mmmm! Mmmm!’’) in the speech balloons. No one notices.
