What are you doing to protect yourself from Quantum Physics

I was just reading that the Big Bang could happen again anytime. It doesn’t have to be a Big Bang either, it could be of any size.

What will you do if you’re sittting at home tonight and a brand new universe actualizes out of Planck space right there in your living room?

The figures are not widely available because this is a much overlooked phenomenom, but it seems pretty clear that we are greatly underestimating the dangers of new universe genesis.

Who knows how many people meet their untimely end due to virtual particles of unusual size that fail to completely self-anhiliate?

If you have children or loved ones can you afford to take this risk?

Do you have any idea what kind of damage a Big Bang can do to your house?

If you think insurance is going to cover it, you better reexamine that homeowners policy because you have another think coming.

You may think there’s little that you can do to avoid a Big Bang, but here you are in error, and there really is no excuse for not being prepared.

The best defense against a Big Bang is to catch it early during it’s inflationary period. If you can act decisively in the first 10 to the negative forty nine seconds, the chances are excellent that you and your household will be able to avert disaster and escape with little or no damages or injury.

This is why I keep a magnetic bottle of antiprotons stored safely in my accelerator at all times.


Doubtless like many homeowners you are also completely ignoring stochastic ooze. Stochastic ooze is a phenomenom where two or more solid objects can pass through each other without touching.

A homeowner needs to be aware of stochastic ooze for two reasons:

  1. Home security. Even the best security systems these days pay little heed to the stochastic ooze dangerm, and this is an unforgivable lapse.

It doesn’t matter how well your doors are bolted or your windows or locked, if an intruder can simply take advantage of quantum physics and walk right through them, can it?

The fact is that if your security system is not equipped with a high energy particle beam, you are woefully unprepared and completely vulnerable to stochastic ooze.

We’ve recently found that not a single house equipped with a high energy proton gun integral to the security system has ever been robbed. It’s a fact.

  1. Home maintenance. You probably check for termites, and for things like sagging roofs and foundations, but when was the last time your home was inspected for stochastic ooze?

If your foundation suddenly turned immaterial and slid through the crust and mantle of the earth down to its superheated center, do you have any idea how much damage that would do?

Can you imagine waking up and finding that your car has flowed through the wall of the adjoining garage and regained substantiality in the middle of your living room?

Are your rafters strong enough to support the weight? Have you reinforced your house against stochastic ooze?

Have you checked your pets for singularities? They could be bringing them into the house, and if you’re not paying attention a singularity can eat a lot of matter in a very short time period.

Please remember to prepare against Quantum Physics, and while we’re at it, be sure and always use a condom.

bah - alarmist! I am not impressed by your polysyllabic rantings! I sleep soundly at night. Because between the vapor barrier and the walls of my house, I have a layer of tin foil!! And not just any tin foil - we’re talking the heavy-duty kind. It costs more but it’s worth it.

So don’t bother me with your silliness. I’m an engineer - you can’t frighten me!!

I don’t think they exist

Does stochastic ooze = random mess? If so, high energy protons aren’t going to the trick. You’re going to need a lot of the element Germanium, to bring order out of chaos.

Ha! I ain’t afeared. I have a random black hole that wanders around my house. If any upstart universe tried to appear in here it would immediately eat it, and then spit it back out somewhere else, just like it does car keys, tape measures, and miscellaneous other items I need.

And as for stochastic ooze in my house, who could tell?

Okay, here are my tips for avoiding Quantum Physics:

Wear headnets, long sleeve shirts, and long pants in areas of high Quantom Singularity populations, such as salt marshes or wooded areas. Wear a Quantum repellant with the highest DEET concentration available.

Make sure window and door screens are “Proton Tight.” Repair or replace screens wherever necessary.

Empty standing water in old tires, buckets, puddles, where quantum reality incursions breed.

Stay indoors at dawn, dusk, and in the early evening when Quantum Singularities are active.

Replace outdoor lights with yellow “quark” lights

Wear light-colored clothing while working outdoors between dusk and dawn.

Avoid heavy perfumes, these agitate quantum states.

Late last May, I found a hole behind the refrigerator that I couldn’t explain. Suspecting either mice or spontaneous universe creation to be the cause of it, I went down to the local adoption center and got myself a Schrodinger’s cat (just in case). Since then, I haven’t had any more problems but, come to think of it, I haven’t checked on it in a while. I wonder if it’s still there.

Fuck it. Just use some duct tape.

Stochastic Ooze

In case the “Band Name” joke hasn’t quite worn itself out yet.

Bah! I’m not ascared! I own 4 cats! I mean, hell, they already bend quantum physics every day by teleporting into locked and closed rooms and such. So, i’m thinking that they will protect me and my house from any quantum irregularities, just on the principle of self preservation.

Oh, and yeah, i’ve already covered the “I am god, you are my human” attitude of my cats. Who else is gonna change thier litter box and buy them those 6 packs of fake mice! So I should meet their self preservation guildlines.

I just can’t figure out the spin of this thread…

going back to tending my sigularity detector now.

Can someone please open this stupid box and collapse my wavefunction, please?

Sorry CougarFang, RadioWave, has already collapsed it, unless Kip Thorne has been working on his closed time like loops and animals of the feline persuation.

as for the ooze, I keep a singularity in a leyden Jar labeled ‘touch brass knob in case of quantum emergency’ I just cant keep a charge on the other jar long enough to stuff the singularity back in after the emergency. damn catch-22.

Hattrick
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
‘doc I’m crazy… get me off the filght roster’ - Yossarian
‘just because you asked, your flying… Catch-22’ - Doc Daneka

Am I safe in assuming this puts you in the “Act of God” camp?

The duct tape idea might work too.

Are you sure you want someone to do that? You may not like being in the superposition of death-life states, but are you willing to risk being just “dead”?

stochastic ooze?
Isn’t that the stuff that grows on your dishes if you don’t wash them?

Ack! Anyone heard from scott evil lately?

I visited the quantum mechanic the other day for a tune-up. He was such a big help. He said that my problem is that I’m always uncertain about where I am, which is simply because I move around so little. That’s why I feel so lost all the time, especially on Saturday nights.

At least then I’d know exactly what I am, instead of being left hanging… Besides, a cat’s curiosity must be satisfied. I know what it’s like to be alive, I know what it’s like to be a superposition of death-life states, so what’s left is being dead. Wonder what that’s like?

don’t try to tell me about the superposition of life/death states… I work in a call centre. Only when you leave your cubicle are you sure… I just can’t remember when that last was…

Bravo. This belongs in The Onion!

Icing on the cake…