Very, very drunk skank in Las Vegas who says to the arresting officer:
“You don’t love me 'cus I’m UGLY! But I’m not ugly, I’m a VAMPIRE!”
Right. Ok.
I like the one where they busted an older man for picking up an undercover hooker. He was driving his business van and had to call his wife to come pick it up.
“Baby, you know I love you”
Don’t remember the premise, but the younger guy who interspersed “Man!” (or actually, it was more like “Ma’ah!”) SOOO often, that one of the cops started calling the guy “Ma’ah”.
LilMiss and I sometimes have convos where we use that gentleman’s turn of words:
“Hey, ma’ah, can I have a soda, ma’ah?”
“No, ma’ah, you can’t, ma’ah, cuz, ma’ah, it’s too late, ma’ah”
“Aw, ma’ah, that ain’t fair, ma’ah!”
In north Las Vegas these two cops pulled over a guy with plates from Ohio for soliciting a prostitute (an actual prostitute, not an undercover cop). He gets out of the car and is being really nice to the cop talking to him. The other cop is talking to the hooker and finds out that “she” is a “he”. The cops talk to each other away from the guy and they’re laughing. Then they tell the guy and the look on his face was that of someone who has had his penis rubbed raw and inserted into a jar of horseradish. They let him go with a warning because of the shock he got.
Re: Idjits signing release forms. Are they paid for their appearances (performances?) on the show?
Also remember some punk-ass kid yelling “Yo” every other word to the cops.
Sir Rhosis
I saw an episode where they found a bunch of women’t clothing in a guy’s dresser. When they asked him what they were for, he looked at them at them cold and said, “I’m building a plastic museum, is there anything wrong with that?”
Ah, the urine in the multitude of containers was classic. A real nutjob.
One of my favorites: Cops pull over a few kids. Kids get out and you can just see the pot smoke roll out of the car. Kids are all prompt arrested. While some of the kids are sitting on the curb in cuffs, cop notices that the car they were riding in had a “My other car was seized by the DEA” bumper sticker. Cop points it out to the kid and says that “Now you’re going to have to get a ‘My OTHER other car was seized by the WhateverPD.’”
Not terribly funny, but it cracks me up everytime.
**
Cripes. I actually did this in real life. The cop let me go though.
My favorite was one where two cops (southern town, from one of the first few seasons) are chasing after someone who drove away from a traffic stop, and the one cop is backseat driving nonstop to his partner during the chase: “There he is! Go get 'im! He’s turning!! There he is! C’mon, now! Get 'im!” This went on for a good five minutes until finally the cop driving screamed “SHUTUP!!”
I recall 2:
1). Narc team busts some guy with a U-haul full of his stuff, only to find that the guy’s ex falsely called in the report to hassle him. When the guy calls her up to get her to confess at the end, and she does, she says something like “Did I tell you what you wanted to hear?” the guy was like “more than you’ll ever know”.
2). Either a junkie or a prostitute (maybe both) gets busted and starts offering all kinds of sexual favors to the cop to be let go. He keeps trying to sneak nervous glances at the camera while saying no thank you that it always made me think if there was no camera, he’d be getting a hummer from that chick.
Several cruisers were involved chasing some kid on a scooter for something like 20 or 30 minutes. At one point one of the cruisers was close enough for the cop to reach out and grab the kid by the shirt and pull him off the damn thing. Finally, finally they corner him and then stand around for another 5 or 10 minutes congratulating themselves.
Another episode featured the cops chasing after a small bunch of teens who split up. One was quickly cornered in an alley by a cruiser and he surrendered without fuss, putting his hands on the hood of the cruiser. The cop got out of the car and actually tackled the kid. Idiot.
The only episode of COPS I ever watched was when I tuned in partway through one episode.
In it, a skinny blonde woman has been arrested, either for prostitution or drug abuse, I forget which. Her arms are slathered with tattoos, and she’s wearing a sleeveless T-shirt. She is in the police station, and talking a blue streak, which leads me to believe she was arrested for some sort of drug violation.
At one point, one of the cops makes some sort of remark about her tattoos.
She goes a little nuts then, and proceeds to start tearing her clothes off in order to show him the REST of her cartoons. Her breasts are digitized out, but she spends the rest of her segment about half starkers, and I seem to remember that at one point she tried to take her bottoms off, as well.
In particular, I remember one of the cops looking at the camera and sending a telepathic message to me: “Boy, I’m glad we got video evidence here that we didn’t actually touch this crazy bimbo, much less strip her down and grope her up like she’s gonna tell the judge when she sobers up…”
My favorite all time one liner on COPS follows. My roommate and I laughed for ten minutes straight when we heard this.
Set-up: Guy gets kicked out of a bar and is roaring drunk. The cops are talking to him and he’s blubbering about how much he loves some woman and she doesn’t love him. Out of nowhere this huge guy runs at the drunk and levels him with one punch. The cops cuff the huge guy and ask him WTF? It turns out that the drunk had smacked the huge guy’s sister in the bar. That was the lady the drunk was crying over. Huge guy had a completely clean record so they let him off with a warning.
As the screen fades to black, the huge guy is self rightously muttering to himself. The delivery of the line was just perfect.
“Ain’t nobody hits my sister. That’s right, nobody hits my sister <pause> unless he’s married to her.”
Haj
That was a darn fine episode. If I recall correctly, the whole series of events of them stopping the guy, unloading all of his stuff, clearing him and having him call his wife to get the confession took about 5 or 6 hours. Time well spent.
Another great episode is one where a cop calls a fellow with a warrant out and tells him he’s won a new television and asks where he would like it delivered to. The guy gives them his address, the cops show up in street clothes with an empty TV box and slap the cuffs on. The guy’s kids are in the background yelling “What’s happening? We don’t get a TV!?” as he’s being hauled off.
One that will stick with me was a guy who reported his car stolen. When the police arrive the guy is clearly stoned out of head. He told them that he’d been hanging out with some guys he’d never met before and getting high with them for a while, when they said they were going to go get some more drugs. They had him give them all his money and the keys to his car, then told him to wait right there (in front of a convenience store) while they drove off (in his car) to get more supplies. After waiting for a few hours, it evidently began to dawn on him that they weren’t coming back.
What was absolutely priceless about all this was the look on the cop’s face as the guy was giving his story. He was trying to sound sympathetic, but his eyebrows were slowing rising higher and higher as he tried to keep from laughing.
I was debating revealing this, but what the hell.
I was on COPS. It was COPS in Marti Gras, (1989-90 IIRC) and my girlfriend was arrested for urinating in the street. I was standing in the background and agreed to have my face unblurred. For some reason they don’t show that episode much anymore, but we made the cut - you can see her blurry face and my unblurred face plain as day.
The most amusing part was that they basically let me know that if I agreed to let them unblur me, they wouldn’t take me in for Public Intoxication. (There was a famous landmark in the background that behind my head that they would have lost so they really wanted the shot. I didn’t actually see anyone from the film crew speak to the cops specifically, but I didn’t really care - happy to oblige to avoid spending the night in a drunk tank in NO with a bunch of drunken frat boys).
Hey man I know this three is extremely old but I’ve been digging around so hard for that cheeseburger throwing episode and can’t find it anywhere I saw this episode when I was five years old it’s one of my first cops memories and I want to see it so bad do you know what episode this is from? I think it’s season 15